Mixed marriages - JW/non-JW - what makes you stay?

by Nickolas 43 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Nickolas

  I know a woman, became a wife
  These are the very words she uses to describe her life
  She said a good day, ain't got no rain
  She said a bad day's when I lie in bed
  And I think of things that might have been Paul Simon - Slip Sliding Away
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  Ever done that? Lie in bed an analyse your life in the context of you and your spouse not being on the same page? Yeah, same story from Nickolas ad nauseum, but it helps to vent.

  I know there are several other people on this board in my situation. Women and men whose husbands and wives are Jehovah's Witnesses while they are not. Most yearn to find a way to set them free. Some seem to have given up hope or have resigned themselves to accept things as they are. Still others gave up entirely and called it quits. I don't ever want go there but I do allow myself to imagine that my wife just might, if I got to be more intolerant toward her association with the WTBTS than I already am, or if the elders in her congregation got wind of how thoroughly I loathe the Society and decided to intercede, as some on here have warned could happen. Still, there are times I have to keep myself from boiling over (my nephew's shunning is a key trigger but there are others) and on bad days I am unable to. I get to thinking selfishly and not remembering all the good stuff. I think about her getting baptised against my wishes almost 33 years ago, I think about the 5 years of marriage we had before, I think about the things my children and I have been denied, about the Watchtower being the third person in our marriage and in our marriage bed, about the strained relationship with my parents, now deceased, and all the stuff that's lost forever. I think about the time I have left and I wonder why I stay.

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  Time
  Is tapping on my forehead,
  Hanging from my mirror,
  Rattling the teacups,
  And I wonder,
  How long can I delay?
  We're just a habit
  Like saccharin.
  
  And I'm habitually feelin' kinda blue.
  
  But each time I try on
  The thought of leaving you,
  I stop...
  I stop and think it over Paul Simon - Overs

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  I stay because I love her more than anything, even this. What makes you stay?
• 

  Highlander

  I stay for my child.
• 

  OUTLAW

  I think about the things my children and I have been denied, about the Watchtower being the third person in our marriage.....Nickolas

  It`s not just the WBT$..

  It`s their self appointed JW, Family/Marriage Saboteur`s..

  Who may be and often are,your own family..

  Every day can be a war on all sides..

  Survival of a marriage with JW influences,is a Miracle..

  Many of us lost our Familys and Marriages as a direct result,of WBT$/JW Sabotage..

  One more Life about to be DeRailed..

  By a WBT$/JW Saboteur..

  ..................... ...OUTLAW
• 

  jamiebowers

  GAWD, that must be awful! I got out of my jw marriage, because it was dangerously abusive. But even so, I can't imagine living as you've lived either. I don't have any words of wisdom..just wanted to say how sad your situation is.
• 

  lifeisgood

  The elders of Jehovah's Witnesses clearly violate the Bible teaching on family life when they purposely seek out married women to "bring them into the truth", and then give these women instructions that clearly go against the husband's headship. Jehovah's Witnesses give lip service to headship but they tell all baptized JWs that they have to obey Jehovah, then the anointed, then the elders. I guess headship comes in fourth place. Now, the rules that Jehovah, the anointed, and the elders lay down on a person cover every aspect of one's life, so there is really nothing left that the husband can have their own way on.

  I was a JW for over twenty years. I got married a second time two years ago. I told the woman that I was marrying that if she ever started attending a church that our marriage would be over. She laughed and said "I would never step foot in a church". Of course, we have been to funerals and weddings, I meant attending church for the services.

  Here is the problem that you have. A loving person will put your feelings above "rules". A JW will never do that. A JW cannot consider your feelings. I used to be this way. It isn't being done on purpose. Something happens to a JW that causes them to be able to inflict great pain on others and not realize it, or feel it, or care about it. They are so busy being puffed up with pride that they "stood up for Jehovah", that they do not see the pain that they are causing. When they explain the story about how they "stood up for Jehovah", while their husband was crying bitterly, the other Witnesses will be commending them for their "stance" and totally ignore the crying 'worldly' person.

  I will give you an example. Take Thanksgiving dinner, for example. If you cared about Thanksgiving, a loving person would want to see you happy by celebrating Thanksgiving with you, even if they don't recognize or believe in, Thanksgiving. What does it hurt to help someone celebrate something they like? A JW would NEVER do this. Why? Because the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society told them not to. Does the reason have to even make any sense? No, it does not. I would be willing to bet that most Jehovah's Witnesses could not explain the reason beyond "the Society says so". Now, according to the Bible definition of headship, you should be able to celebrate Thanksgiving in your own home, and your wife should be required to do what you ask to help in the preparation and presentation of the celebration. And if a JW wife did this she would be disfellowshipped. So, in actuality it is the elders who the JW wife has to show headship to, not the husband.

  Personally, I would never accept this third party to my marriage. I would tell my JW wife that she had to show proper headship in my home or she could move out and let the Watchtower society and the elders provide for her (they won't of course). I think most JW women would move out and all their friends would be so happy that they "were firm for Jehovah". None of them would give her one red cent, of course.

  I was baptized at 15, and my father told me 20 years later, when he thought I was dying, that I had inflicted great pain on him by my hardheartedness and stuborness over rules that the Watchtower Society had told me that I had to follow. None of these rules cared one iota what the impact was on the other person. This was the second time in my life that I saw my father cry, the first time was when I was baptized.

  This is not love, this is insanity.
• 

  Satanus

  ' I stay because I love her more than anything, even this.'

  You are being true to yourself, by staying to the end. Can't blame you for that. It reminds me of a bruce willis movie, the last boy scout, i think. His wife is unfaithful, but he sticks w her, cuz he still loves her. Seriously, bruce willis' line, similar to yours stuck w me for yrs, for some reason. Maybe, it's because of the tug of war between love a person feels in their heart, and the automatic ego reaction. The heart wants to stick w it through anything vss the bruised ego wants to throw it all away, regardless of the cost.

  S
• 

  Nickolas

  Personally, I would never accept this third party to my marriage. I would tell my JW wife that she had to show proper headship in my home or she could move out and let the Watchtower society and the elders provide for her (they won't of course). I think most JW women would move out and all their friends would be so happy that they "were firm for Jehovah".

  After all this time it's apparent I'd never do that, lifeisgood. My wife is delusional, and I have told her that time and time again. She got sucked into the mindset by her screwed-up brother (same one who convinced his son to take the plunge at age 12 and who is now shunning him) all those years ago and I've been trying (badly, apparently) to pull her out ever since. If she suffered from dementia, I would stay with her. If she broke her neck or had a stroke and needed 24 hour care, I would stay with her. That's just the way it is. Maybe someday she'll wake up.
• 

  jgnat

  My situation is a little different in that I walked in to the marriage knowing what I was getting. I stay for all the things about him that have nothing to do with the Witnesses.

  It's a strain on any marriage when one partner changes the rules partway through. It's just as painful with a conversion TO the Witnesses as when one partner decides to leave. Or how about couple agreed to remain childless, when one spouse changes their mind? The original contract of the marriage is broken, and the betrayed spouse is left wondering what sort of bargain they have made.

  I've gained some insight from Zimbardo's book, Time Paradox. The happiest people spend most of their attention on a planned future and setting goals to reach it, with a smattering of present hedonism to keep them balanced. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Reserve the past for warm memories of traditions past and carry forward the best traditions from those memories.

  I took Zimbardo's test and found that I am too focused on the failures and disappointments of the past. I see how that drags me down and lowers my zest for living. I've resolved to stop obsessing over past events I can't change. The rest of my scores are pretty darn healthy.

  http://www.ted.com/talks/philip_zimbardo_prescribes_a_healthy_take_on_time.html

  http://fora.tv/2010/03/25/Philip_Zimbardo_The_Secret_Powers_of_Time_Animated
• 

  CoonDawg

  I stay because my wife is a wonderful woman. We don't really argue about religion. She knows where I stand and that I'm not going to be coming back to the hall. She understands my reasons and she also realizes that my effed up parents (esp. my dad) imposed this religion on me, whereas, she made a conscious choice as an adult to join up. Fortunately, she's not a jihadist JW...she really doesn't go to the hall much or anything. In fact, she says I'm her "favorite heathen." What we have works for us. However, I realize that this is the exception - for sure not the rule.
• 

  Nickolas

  I took Zimbardo's test and found that I am too focused on the failures and disappointments of the past. I see how that drags me down and lowers my zest for living. I've resolved to stop obsessing over past events I can't change.

  I think you know how much that resonates, jgnat. As long as your mate accepts you 100% for the person you are, it will work. But if you're a hedonistic athiest like me, it might just be a bit of a stretch.

  Fortunately, she's not a jihadist JW...she really doesn't go to the hall much or anything. In fact, she says I'm her "favorite heathen." What we have works for us. However, I realize that this is the exception - for sure not the rule.

  hey, CoonDawg, that would suit me just fine.