Mixed marriages - JW/non-JW - what makes you stay? (page 4)

Nickolas

It sounds almost like the philosophical divide between the two of you, FF, was the straw that broke the camel's back, as opposed the the entire bale. I may be stretching here, but I suspect you would not have defined your marriage as a 9/10.

Finally-Free

Nickolas, you are right. We were nothing more than roommates for the last 11 years of our 16 year marriage. The "relationship" ended when the elders turned down my regular pioneer application, which effectively destroyed the wife's hope of ever going to Gilead. After that I was merely excess baggage. I was just too stupid to see it at the time.

W

Nickolas

Thanks for the dialogue, folks. Today my wife informed me she's going on a four-day convention in a few months, reignighting the slow burn. She's devoted and resolved, I'll give her that much.

I'm going to have an extra double scotch tonight, Curtains. Maybe a triple.

Curtains

I'm going to have an extra double scotch tonight, Curtains. Maybe a triple.

Curtains

nickolas

in thinking about the hypothetical situation you describe concerning turning to alcoholism to self medicate when one's spouse is a JW - I have a further thought and these question apply to men and women who may turn to alcohol to self medicate

Is your JW spouse aware that you are self medicating?

If they are aware then in their limited JW perspective wouldn't this indicate to them that they need to stay where they are? If this is the case it may be worth suggesting that they attend a group for families of alcoholics. This latter would perhaps help them to see that there are other solutions, other ways to gain perspective and other means of support. However the self medicating spouse may need to attend one of these groups (in addition to attending an AA group) so that they can promote the merits of it.

JWism imo in this context can be seen as paramountly a support organzation and this aspect is surely gonna kick in more strongly if the JW spouse thinks that he/she may also turn to alcoholism if they leave the confines of Jehovahs witnesses.

Additionally if the non alcoholic spouse is like me and has children then my ability to give more support to my hypothetically alcoholic husband is gonna be quite limited. All the more reason to first test and then promote the merits of other family support organisations.

Forgive me if the above feels like I am blaming the vicitim - this is not my intention. I'm simply trying to think of solutions for both parties and recommending the idea of establishing negative feedback postive feedback options for addressing the issue - This is how our biological systems work (particulary the endocrine and nervous systems) and I am a great believer in attemting to mirror nature to enhance life and to find solutions that can work unconsciously as well as consciously.

edit: just to emphasize that my husband is not alcoholic or even remotely heading that way - I am commenting on a hypothetical scenario

moshe

and I wasn't content to be a second class citizen in my own home.

F-F, you hit the nail on the head.

Nickolas

Is your JW spouse aware that you are self medicating?

Difficult to say. I don't drink to the point of inebriation - I hate hangovers - just periodically to the point at which the relaxing characteristics of the drug are sufficiently amplified that I don't give a damn anymore. This is not a frequent occurance. My doctor might prefer I used valium, but it just doesn't have the same appeal as a nice Islay single malt, y'know? But don't confuse self medication with alcoholism. Someone who "needs a drink" after a particularly brutal day at the office is self medicating. Someone who needs a drink so his body stops screaming at him is an alcoholic. There is even a difference between problem drinking and alcoholism, although the effects are equally destructive. Alcoholics are addicts, problem drinkers may not be. Alcoholics either can't or find it nearly impossible to moderate their intake, so they must give it up entirely. Problem drinkers, if they on occasion consume alcohol excessively as a mechanism to cope with external issues, will tend not to consume excessively when the issue is addressed and can otherwise learn to drink responsibly. Problem drinkers who consume excess alcohol because they like to get buzzed are in a category all their own. There are also alcoholics who use their perceived issues as an excuse for their alcoholism, when the fact of the matter is if the issues went away they'd still be boozehounds.

All of which to say, Curtains, that the hypothetical husband in our discussion who uses alcohol to calm the infrequent psychological pain brought about by his inability or resistance to cope with the divide between him and his wife will, if he is not alcoholic, no longer do so either if he makes peace with his reality or if his reality changes. If he's alcoholic, that's another problem entirely.

isaacaustin

the kids is why i am in it

Curtains

Nickolas

thanks for pointing out the differences between self medication, problem drinking and alcoholism. But I am already aware of this, however a witness may not and I was commenting from that point of view but I was not clear.

Black Sheep

I was the born-in Dub.

Drifted, unbaptised, but still a victim. You're not really out until you fully understand that the WT was not selected. I hadn't 'got it'.

I married a nice Anglican girl and converted her. She took to it like a duck to water and has turned into a JW predator.

When Jehovah got held up in the privy in 1975 I drifted out again, still a member of the great unwashed, thank goD, but still not understanding why He hadn't showed up for his appointment.

Somewhere, underneath the cult facade, is my nice Anglican girl. I want her back. I'm trying to find her. I catch a glimpse of her now and again.

Mixed marriages - JW/non-JW - what makes you stay?

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