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by Dawn2011 35 Replies latest social relationships

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  Dawn2011

  I've been visiting this forum for quite awhile now, reading as much as I can about others in situations similar to mine. I've learned alot but I think I am ready to share and will really appreciate whatever advice/thoughts anyone has to offer.

  I'm a "wordly" gal (non-demoninational Christian) and have been dating a JW for a year. He has been a witness for about 34 yrs but has been inactive the past two due to the way he and his ex were treated when she was DF'd for cheating/alcoholism. Other than door-to-door witnessing, I didn't have a clue about the religion when we met.

  He told me on our first date that he was a JW; he asked me out again and within a couple of months we fell in love. He talked frequently about marriage and long-term plans for us. During this time I read everything I could find about the WT org and after I started asking him more questions he finally said he never should have went out with me in the first place due to the "rules". Wow, this hurt to hear...but he was right of course.

  He is on the fence about whether or not he wants to become active again. He doesn't want to leave the church because he would lose the amazing relationship he has with his daughter/grandkids. I would never ask him to leave, and on the flip side I have told him that I will never become a member because of the multitudes of rules and conditions involved.

  I LOVE him, and have become very attached to his grandkids. He loves me as well, I have no doubt about it...he demonstrates this in his actions every time I'm with him. But my heart literally aches because I know I will never be all he wants in a mate, especially if he chooses to be active ...I won't be at services with him, witnessing, conferences, etc etc. He stopped talking about marriage long ago due to his ambivalence about this.

  I asked him why he would be with me if he believes I will not survive armegeddon. He said he doesn't know. ??????

  After reviewing what I've written here it seems obvious that I should break up with him...I did try once but we couldn't stop crying for days and he swept me off my feet again. I guess I'm looking for different perspectives. I feel so confused. I don't intend to wait for years...but I'm also in no hurry to marry after a couple of terrible past relationships.

  Help?
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  Lozhasleft

  Mmm, tricky this. I'm sure lots of opinions here will suggest you walk away because being with a partner who's a JW is really not easy, but, I would suggest that perhaps while he is 'away' from the organisation you use the opportunity to help him see through their deceit. For example you could obtain Ray Franz's book 'Crisis of Conscience' and ask him to read it. Its not written from a bitter apostate view but rather with sincerity and kindness. There is much info to be had on this site too. Maybe you can free him in a significant way? That would leave him free to lead a normal life with you in the future.

  Loz x
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  Black Sheep

  Hi Dawn. Welcome to the forum.

  I'm a born-in who never got baptised and married an Anglican in her church.

  In my opinion, because I didn't fully understand that the Watchtower was not selected by Jesus in 1919 to be God's channel of communication in our day, I was damaged goods, and was not marriageable material. Anyone who has been associated with the group must understand this or they are in danger of leaping back into the cult if something scares them. I doesn't matter if they are a dope peddling, prostitute, bikers mole with tattoos from head to foot, or a successful business person in a collar and tie.

  If you haven't got what it takes to get that notion out of his head, run away.

  You will need patience, knowledge, and psycological tools that you haven't thought of. It is easier to scare them off than it is to get them out. They have been taught how to spot an opposer since about lesson two in the first study book JWs use, or worse, since birth.

  Stick around, ask questions, and learn ... but be careful of advice that will scare him off. Most of us here have scared our families off and haven't learned from the experience.

  Chris
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  Lozhasleft

  Sorry Dawn I forgot to say...... Hello and Welcome !

  Loz x
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  Black Sheep

  I see someone has already suggested Crisis of Conscience.

  This is a very good book for someone who already has doubts. If they don't have doubts, you handing it too them identifies you as one of Satan's minions intent on dragging them off to destruction.

  You haven't said anything that makes me think he has doubts.
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  wasblind

  " I feel so confused. I don't intend to wait for years...but I'm also in no hurry to marry after a couple of terrible past relationships."

  Welcome Dawn

  As you know relationships take work, this religion is already causin' tears to flow

  If he left for the way they treated him and his wife, as his new woman

  I would not want to go in that direction, and if he go back and you remain worldly

  they'll still give him grief, and that's not good on a relationship
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  Dawn2011

  Thank you Loz, I appreciate your advice and warm welcome. I've noticed that the book is mentioned many times here and I think it would probably be helpful if I read it...perhaps I could get a better grasp of the hold that the WT has on members. What do you think?

  I wrestle with the idea of trying to help free him for my sake, but you struck a chord when you suggested that this would be for his benefit. And as you point out Chris (thanks very much for your help!), this would probably scare him off. Maybe if I think of it from an unselfish point of view I can get the courage to at least plant a seed of doubt and stop worrying about how this would impact me.

  Regarding his doubts...now that I think about it, his doubts are really just about the organization as opposed to the beliefs/doctrine. This hadn't occurred to me before! Reminds me of my own situation; I became disenfranchised with traditional Christian churches...I tried many different denominations and became very frustrated about the hypocrisy I saw amongst church members and leaders. I'm finally at peace with my path, which does not include involvement in a church. (a side note...it's hard for me to remember that the WT IS a Christian denomination; I can't imagine Christ shunning someone when they beg for forgiveness though)

  When he and his ex confessed her adultery and alcoholism to church leaders/council or whatever they're called, they were treated harshly. She was very remorseful and they both begged for help...instead, she was DF'd. As he told me, for years he had been one of the people that took part in deciding to disfellowship members and, after this experience, he was ashamed at how his actions hurt others.

  He was also asked to step down from a leadership position after this by people he considered his friends...he still feels bitter.
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  JahsOne

  Bad advice from all.
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  JahsOne

  Don't come here and ask for advice because you won't get the right advice from here.
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  Highlander

  Hi Dawn,

  Ultimately the decision to stay or leave is up to you. As long as you recognize that his mind belongs to a cult, then you can decide if the subsequent problems and strain on the relationship will be worth the effort.

  Good luck!