My wife's anxiety, guilt

ashitaka

My wife has been depressed each time we see our JW friends. She doesn't want to see them anymore, because it reminds her of what she left behind, and it makes her feel bad.

I've offered to go back to meetings for a while to help her break away. She never wants to go back, but her guilt and anger make her so uncomfortable around active JW's.....it's really bothering her.

Any good books out there on breaking away from controlling organizations, especially concentrating on keeping the friendships but not the allegiance to the organization in question? I'm really having a hard time helping her with this. I'm always there for her, but I don't have any solutions to her sadness in this regard.

I work very hard to make her happy, but she's been feeling insecure about the future because she said that, "When I was a JW, I always had some kind of focus. No matter how blind it was, I miss having a direction to go in."

I've tried telling her that the beauty of our situation is that we don't have kids, and are free, without having wasted our lives to a lie. We can travel the world, and just love each other, burden-free.

But she still has issues with having been a JW. Frankly, I was such an asshole as a JW, that leaving them was no problem. My mother put the fear of control in me, so I had an easier time breaking away than my wife is having.

Any suggestions, books, seminars, etc? I just want her to be able to funtion around JWs, even come to terms with her past.

(BTW, her childhood was a whole lot worse than mine.)

ashi

Amazing

Hi Ash: Oddly enough, when my family decided to leave the JWs, especially my wife, they moved past me faster than I could move. What I mean is that they were able to start living like the rest of Society, with Christmas, making new non-JW friends, even going to other Churches, etc. Even after I left, it took a long time to make the transition.

One things that helped everyone was to go back to non-JW family and friends and try to renew old non-JW relationships. This helps build some support structure as we build new relationships outside the JW world ... and then it becomes easier and easier to let go of the old JW friends.

ashitaka

So Amazing, would you consider it unhealthy for my wife to continue with JW relationships for the time being?
Perhaps it is.

ashi

DIM

i would think that keeping your JW friends would just confuse you and your wife. We are quitting in 2 weeks and the only people from our JW lives we are keeping in contact with are people who know where we stand and are OK with it. Which isn't very many.

Gopher

Ashi,

Best wishes as you and your wife find your way.

Your wife said, "When I was a JW, I always had some kind of focus. No matter how blind it was, I miss having a direction to go in."

It may help to ask her, what direction does SHE want to go in?

You said you try to make her happy. In reality, her chance for happiness lies within her own self. Each person decides whether or not to be happy, no matter their circumstance.

So once SHE decides a direction and SHE decides to accept life (with its ups and downs) and be happy, she will have learned a valuable life lesson.

I know you'll hang in there with her until she reaches these life-affirming conclusions.

GopherWhy shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

ashitaka

thanks, DIM and Jeff.

My wife was saying that she missed people having goals for her. She misses the structure and rigidity when it comes to the social structure of JW. She misses the security, both mentally and socially of being JW. When she mentions that I really don't know what to say. I think we have a very solid life with plenty of friends, but she's missing something, and it's not hte meetings.

She hates them but she misses them-

She grew up in an idealized/yet not ideal household. Orwellian thing. Parents said everything was wonderful when it wasn't. LOTS of issues there.

I don't know...there's just one friend I have who is still a JW, but his is a very important relationship in my life. Kind of torn on this one. He's heard even my most disturbing 'apostate' views. He really doesn't care about it.

Yet, my wife can't stand being around him, but she loves him, too. Really a mind-job for her. It's a shame....

ashi

ARoarer

Hi Ashi, I just clicked on to the DB and saw your post, and I can only tell you that what she is going through is part of the separation process of being in the cult. Especially now during the season of the Memorial. My opinion is that they are emotionally black-mailing her into going back to the kingdom hall. I was told the same thing. "If you come back to the kingdom hall, we would see you and think and invite you to the gatherings, but because your not there,out of site,out of mind". This is actually what was told to me when I had asked a close friend why they don't stop by or call anymore. It is another form of passive aggression and all about control to emotionally black mail her into coming back. It is so dangerous and once there she will be exposed to the thought control given at the talks and more emotional controls. Ashi sometimes it is hard to close the door on something that was part of our life, and we feel insecure without the security of it, even if it is destructive. But in life we must shut the door behind us before new doors open. If she is feeling lonely, she is in the same boat as I was and my daughter who is now lost all of her freinds. She is getting pressured by her in-laws. It has been very difficult for her. If you need to e-mail me I can talk more openly about it. I have to go now. I have to be at the stable for my "horsey"

nimue

Ashi,
Here are some books recommended on lists posted on Amazon.

Releasing the Bonds-Empowering People to Think for Themselves
Healing Spiritual Abuse
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse
Captive Hearts/Captive Minds

I've read all four. Each is good, in its own way.

Nimue

target

Ashi:
It seems that you can't just walk away without the emotional turmoil. It is like leaving a bad marriage. You need to do it but you still go through this period of limbo and adjustment. It is important for your wife to realize that it does not stay this way. She has to allow herself time to adjust and she needs to understand that what she is feeling is normal. It will get better and better.
It is my experience that it is very hard to keep JW friends. They will not be satisfied with the arrangement. You will either not be good enough for them anymore or they will make it their mission to get you back in "the fold". I have just one friend from back in Wisconsin who is also leaving. The rest are just gossiping about me now. I also realize that most of the people that I was friends with I didn't really even like, I never would have been friends with them if we weren't all JWs. Now you can choose your friends by who you like, not by whether they are of your religion or not. It is interesting to look back over the JW experience without the rose colored JW glasses on.

Target

pandora

I would also recommend Leaving the Fold - by Marlene Winell, Ph.D.

My wife's anxiety, guilt

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