How can I get past the anger?

Rocky_Girl

I have gotten through so much of the anger I felt toward my parents for their part in my screwed up childhood. I know they were just doing what they thought was right. But now, as I celebrate holy and special days with my children I feel a new anger because I cannot give them the big family celebration they deserve. I cannot even get a non-holiday generic family gathering together. They refuse to do anything, because it looks like Thanksgiving -even in April. I know that it is hard to be the one that breaks the cycle and starts new traditions, but that doesn't help me feel less angry. Any coping techniques you could share?

MrFreeze

I think that anger will always be there. Although you can't give them fully what you would like you should at least try to dwell on what it is that you can give them and /ake sure you make the most out of it.

HintOfLime

Time. It takes time, and building of a new social structure. Personally, I have friend who is also now an ex-JW, we were in high school together, and I spent a lot of time at his house growing up (he didn't come to my house so often - he was always bad association because he dressed too 'trendy'). We now get together a few times a year for christmas, etc. Half of his family has left now, including his parents - so I've sort of adopted them as my family when it comes to the times of year we all want to get together and share some good food.

It took me a few years to really exhale all the hurt, and find those connections, and in the meantime I felt extremely lost. I still feel saddened that I can't enjoy a special day with my own family - but they are not bad people, just gullible.

Take care,

- Lime

Rocky_Girl

I really try to focus on the positive. I know they are getting a healthier upbringing and they have a great time during holidays (they don't know any different) Lime, I can see the wisdom of finding another family to celebrate with. Even though it wouldn't be my parents, at least we would have the experience.

TheSilence

The only way to get past it, I think, is to forgive them. You've already said you know they were just doing what they thought was right. Isn't that the best any parent can do? Isn't that what you do? Every parent makes mistakes, some bigger than others. You hope that your children forgive you for yours so extend that same courtesy to your parents.

Rather than looking at what they are denying your children see also what they deny themselves. Your children have you and a chance to experience the love, laughter, and happiness that goes along with it... and your parents deny themselves the opportunity to share those memories with your children. They miss out on knowing your children as intimately as they could.

If they were just being mean and vindictive it would be one thing... but they are victims of a cult just like you were. The only difference is that they had a choice, and that is only assuming that they, too, were not raised in the religion. They are the ones still stuck in. They are the ones missing out on life.

Every parent is human and makes mistakes, some are just greater than others. We all have to accept at some point that dad can't fix everything and mom's hugs don't always solve the problems of the world. We all grow up and learn that our parents are fallible. The choice is to hold them to an impossible standard and judge them for it or to forgive them and love them despite their faults. It's hard, I struggle with it myself... but forgiveness is for you, not for them. It allows *you* to move on in your life and get past it. And, as far as I know, it's the only way to truly get past the anger.

Best,

Jackie

Robdar

Rocky, you've gotten some good advice especially from Hint of Lime. I really cant add much but I wish you well in your recovery. It does get better.

TheSilence

Sorry... my paragraphs didn't go through the first time... I think I've fixed it. :)

Rocky_Girl

Jackie, I hear what you are saying. It makes so much sense. I thought I had forgiven them... I guess it is something I have to keep working on. My mom has told me that it makes her angry that I celebrate things she cannot participate in, thus the generic family get together I offered. I know I should feel compassion, but it is so hard.

TheSilence

Forgiveness is easy in concept, difficult in practice, so cut yourself a break. But I will make one more point: we talk continuously about the conditional love that the witnesses teach, how if you don't follow this rule you lose your friends and family. But unconditional love has to come from us if we aren't going to be hypocrites when we talk about how wrong they are in this regard. That means we have to accept our parents faults and love them for who they are. That is what we believe they should do for us, is it not?

Again, this is a much easier concept than it is a practice and it takes time to get there, but sometimes having these things pointed out makes it easier to see it and move towards it which is why I wrote it down... not to make you feel bad but just to give you an altenative way to look at it and see it that may make it easier to get to the point where you can forgive them. Because, really, forgiving them affords you peace... or at least it has for me. Your mileage may vary. ;)

Jackie

TheSilence

What is with the paragraphs today???

How can I get past the anger?

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