Eighty percent of my panic attacks happened at a Kindom Hall or a convention. The environment is toxic.
First is the mind numbing repitition that forces the brain to shut down. A doctor once told me that inmates experience a high rate of depression NOT because they are locked up but because of the monotony. The same scedule, the same food, the same walls--no changes. Perhaps they have a job, but it only takes up an hour or two and it's always the same. So there is one thing.
But I think another issue is how the WT pushes for so much self reflection. I have come to believe that too much of this is a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, we all have to look within to be better people and make corrections, but it has to be balanced. This religion forces a person to look at every bad tendency, pluck it out, hold it up to the light, look at it in all its facets, find the fault. It never encourages one to look within and find the GOOD things! No you have to question every motive, evey action, every word. Analyze it. What weakness does it point to? How are you lacking?
I go to a Unitarian Universalist church, and every Sunday the pastor asks everyone to relax and absorb the quiet. She asks us to breathe and think about the good things in our life. To take a moment and reflect, not on our sins, but on our strengths. It felt very foreign to me at first. Wasn't all self reflection meant to find the evil and rip it out by the roots? I very much enjoy these moments now. I actually need the reminder that there are good things inside---decades of indoctrination doesn't end after we walk away.
They celebrate the wonderful things people do, read works by humans, allow people to play music or sing songs for the congregation if they wish. They have a portion every day directed specifically at children. One morning a member who also reads stories at the library sat in front with the children gathered around her wearing a silly interactive hat and telling them a competely secular story. That was in the middle of the sermon. Those kids felt good and special and that story teller got to use her gifts to uplift them. They weren't asked to look inside and find what was bad---they were celebrated.
At the hall I was surrounded by anxious worried people. At UU everyone is relaxed and happy. Their anxiety doesn't push them to love bomb--they know if you like it there you'll be back. I'm sure some struggle with anxiety and depression--it's everywhere. So when the pastor took a break, we came to church and a psychiatrist had arranged all of the seats in a circle. She talked to us about anxiety and stress and ways to deal with it. She was gentle and encouraging. Would a dub even understand such a set up?
I haven't had a panic attack since I left the hall. I don't examine my weaknesses until they grow so large in my head I can't see around them. I still have a lot of failings, but I now have permission to accept the good things about me too. It's much more balance. The KH will drive you crazy!
NC