HELP PLEASE!

by TheStar 28 Replies latest jw friends

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  Beck_Melbourne

  Star

  I wish I'd had the brains to come to this forum before I wrote my letter to DA myself. I agree with the suggestion to fade into the wallpaper and avoid the 'elder' police patrol...but 3 years ago I thought it would be a gallant gesture on my part to come out in the open and declare my weakness/wrongdoing. I wrote the dreaded letter with admitting to my conduct and to ask for them to disassociate me as a member. Dumb move.

  I have a younger brother and sister who faded out...they are totally inactive...the difference between them and me? They don't get shunned...I do! You're not missing much to be shunned anyway....but....if you have relatives still in the borg then it makes life really tricky....and they feel torn between their love for you and their loyalties to the borg. My mother has told me that her life is the 'truth'....not her DA kids (I also have a DA brother). BUT...my inactive brother and sister who are sporting new tatoos...body piercing and tongue studds don't bring her the shame and humiliation that I bring. It is all so unfair and hypocritical...but she is just being 'obedient'. I wish I'd known before what I know now.

  I wish you well Star!

  Beck
• 

  jesussaves

  Well, I'm one of the ones that faded away into the wallpaper. I went to my last meeting over four years ago. The elders have never approached me. I just recently told my fam that I go to church, though. I seriously doubt that they'll go to the elders. They don't want to have to shun me because they love my babies. FADE AWAY!!!! It's much easier, and on the rare occasion that I run into an old JW friend, they always speak to me.
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  plmkrzy

  Hi star. Mind if I add my 2 cents? Take your time. Jumping into something like that can cause enough emotions to flare up due to what will follow you may end up in REAL depression. Not to mention added stress on your relaitionship with your husband and your overall home life. It's a big step to take when a part of you will continue to be a part of what you are leaving.Meaning you will be oust and shunned by people your husband will be associating with on a regular basis. That can be a major strain for both of you. Try hanging out here for awhile longer and post more. Even if you don't think you have much to say say it anyway. Just keep communicating.
  best of luck to you. plm
• 

  TheStar

  Thank you guys. All of you really... It means a lot to find people who care because I'm feeling a little lonely and lost right now.

  I still think I should write a DA letter but I'm hearing what you guys are saying and I'm going to post pone it for now. I'll try to fade and see how it goes. I just hope I will still be a sane person at the end of all of this.

  Thank you all again for taking the time to post and try to help me out.

  I want to get more involved here but work doesn't always permitt it and I can't come in here in the evenings if my husband is around. I'll do the best I can. Again, many many thanks.

  Hugs to all of you.

  Star
• 

  Xander

  Keep in mind, when people say 'fade away', many (including me) are not talking about missing more and more meetings, faking field service time, etc.

  'Fade away', in this context, means to me (and others), "STOP". Stop everything, go to no more meetings, go out in service no longer.

  Just don't DA yourself. They will not admit it, but they do have a problem keeping their numbers up. They won't kick you out if they don't feel that HAVE to.

  As has been said by others, what triggers them feeling they HAVE to is...well, not much. But just being 'inactive' and missing meetings isn't it. You might get a call or something from the elders, but if you have an answering machine or voice mail, it shouldn't be hard to 'miss' them.

  Now, about the husband....don't know what to say here. My wife was pretty much in the same boat your husband was a year ago. It just takes time to get them to 'unlearn' what they were taught.

  BE WARY, THOUGH....the elders will CERTAINLY talk to your husband about a 'separation' if you are pushing too hard and he talks to them about it. Divorce, no...separation, yes. They almost forced my mom into it (she was a witness, my dad wasn't).

  Note that if you had grown up in the 'truth' or had family currently in the org in good standing, this would probably not occur. You have indicated that both of these conditions are not true, which will make it hard. (And, actually, if your husband also 'came in the from the world', it wouldn't be such a big deal - but you mentioned his whole family was still in? So, he was probably raised in it, yes?)

  A fanatic is one who, upon losing sight of his goals, redoubles his efforts.
  --George Santayana
• 

  Xander

  As an addendum to the above, I'm sure you've seen by now they maintain a healthy amount of double standards.

  Unfortunately, you seem to fall into the 'biased against' catagory, which sucks. My wife and I both lucked out and fell into the 'biased for' catagory. Like it helps a lot, or something. We changed congregations (so the folks we grew up with could always just assume we were doing okay over in the other congregation). Then, we just stopped going to meetings, stopped going out in field service (so the folks in the new congregation could just assume we were lazy or something).

  We got a call or two from 'concerned' elders a year ago, ignored them, and never heard from anyone again. We still keep in contact with our families (both still 'in', with the exception of my never-in dad), and she even criticizes the org to her family a lot now. You may think you know how good j-dub 'denial mode' is, but these folks have it down to an art.

  (A suggestion, if possible - you and your husband could transfer to another hall, and you just never show up there - that way your husband doesn't have to keep explaining to people who knew you where you are).

  A fanatic is one who, upon losing sight of his goals, redoubles his efforts.
  --George Santayana
• 

  detective

  Can anyone post the date or a scan of the articles in the awake entitled "Your Wedding Day"?

  Attn Lecook: this might help you!
• 

  TheStar

  Thanks for the advice Xander. Moving to another congregation is a great idea, I had already thought of that but I know my husband won't go for it. To answer your questions, Yes my husband was raised in "the truth" (the lie) and his whole family except his Dad and one of his sister's is DF'd right now but on her way back. I was not raised in the truth and none of my family is in the truth thank GOD!
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  Mr Ben

  Good luck, Star, good luck.

  Its a game of chess the WT is playing, with people's families as the expendable pawns. Don't play by their rules - make your own. If you want to keep your hubby, take the advise here to heart.

  ben

  Religion n.
  An organisation designed to promote atheism.