Sitting Still at Meetings has Become an Impossibility

venusinfauxfurs

Since I know the truth about JW, and still have to go to meetings for family reasons (and because i don't want to leave my friends, either) I get so sick in my chair in the hall. I can't pay attention, I can't sit still knowing it's all such a waste of time and a big fat lie. I get weird symptoms like: the feeling that I'm going to almost pass out, very sweaty or very cold, and weak legs though I'm sitting down, and the urge to get up and run away. It's very bizarre. I went and had medical tests and nothing is physically wrong with me, and they said it's all in my mind. The doctor referred me to a psychologist and wrote on the letter that I'm associated with Jehovah's Witnesses so I guess they consider that a significant part of the issue.

I used to have a hard time going to meetings & would hyperventilate in the carpark because I've always struggled to fit in with the congregation, not being baptized and all, even though my family are there I definitely feel left out of things and people have told me "We haven't moved away from you. You're the one not making steps towards us" and all this other emotional blackmail. I don't blame them: I'd be wondering what I'm doing too. I mean, I well and truly know the doctrine, and I'm fence sitting. Thats because I read the Bible on my own and came to the conclusion that the witnesses are wrong, and the internet verified it. I want to leave but can't just yet.

Whats going on with me! Why can't I just sit there and listen to the crap, even though I know its crap? I figured I'd be more relaxed, but I'm not. It's getting too much. As I said, I can't leave just yet, but what can I do in the meantime to get through meetings? I'm even worried about leaving in this state because they'll say "Jehovah got rid of her, he could see she wasn't serious" because i wouldn't put it past them. This might be a strange theory but could it be a result of brainwashing coming undone? It's like my head is basically rejecting it and my body is on red alert. I had fantasies of marrying into this like most of my friends are and part of it appealed to me, but my conscience is giving me the hardest time of all. I know it's crap but i can't just sit there and stomach it and my suppressed beliefs have manifested themselves physically. Has anyone had a similar experience?

clarity

Venus welcome,

This site will take some of the pressure off. You can vent!

{could it be a result of brainwashing coming undone?}

Sounds like that could be exactly what is happening. You got 'lucky'!!

c

Anony Mous

I'm out now (still a baptized JW though) and I'm getting those too. They're basically panic attacks and anxiety attacks induced by the irrational fears you were brainwashed with. The cult basically tells you all this stuff is going to happen when you leave them or when the end comes and when you have certain feelings to "flee from the devil" or that you're in a "dangerous situation" etc. They use fear and guilt as emotional tools in order to do as they say. Now that you don't have that control anymore, your flight-or-fight response kicks in at seemingly random times.

What I have noticed is short-term memory loss, repressed memories returning and even altered memories, issues with sexuality and being very impulsive, hyperdefensive and sensitive to people staring.

Here is a site that I just found: http://www.rickross.com/reference/recovery/recovery3.html

Gorbatchov

Hi Veblablabla

I remember having this feelings 15 years ago. It went away when I accepted it was me that was right and the others are part of the cult (so they are wrong).

Step 2 was accepting that i was not right at all because there is no right or wrong. (pff this is a hard part of my accepting stages)

Step 3 was accepting that "they" actualy need us (apoblaba) for feeling all right in their believe. You need an enemy for feeling perfect.

Step 4 is that I can totaly ignore their information in the congregation. I walk in with my family and kids, greeting everybody with a big smile, and one hour later I leave the kingdom hall with the same big smile. (once a month or so). Between walking in and walking out the kingdom hall I play with my 2 kids, walk to the kitchen or the second school-space and give the kids some beverage and see (and hear) the sisters of elders gossip about others in the same room, I just pretend not listening....

Step 5 is a great part of the sunday with my JW family. That's why I'm attending. It's a entrance-card for meeting some fine, friendly people and have some great food and drinks!

That's Gorby's hypocrite world at the moment...!

Mickey mouse

Cognitive dissonance. The act of sitting in the Kingdom hall whilst knowing it is bullshit is not compatible. Your mind needs you to either:

Change your beliefs to be in harmony with your actions (i.e. become a believer again), or
Change your behaviour to be consistent with your beliefs by not going to the kingdom hall.

Brad Wilson

you can't sit there and listen to this crap...... because it's CRAP !!!!!

I was heading that direction in the end and just had to stop and did. Sorry you may still have to go but Mickey mouse is right either take #1 or #2

Condolences - Brad

Scarred for life

Why do you have to stay? Be true to yourself. Live your own life. You have an important decision to make. Yes, it will be painful but you can be free.

GeneM

If I were forced to go to meatings again, I would fake that medical condition where you get a ringing in your ear and use that as an excuse to wear an iPod on one side. That would do the trick I think. Of course girls could just wear their hair over it.

To avoid shaving every goddamn day I would tell them that I get a bad rash and it bleeds if I shave more than once a week. They stopped "letting" me pass mics but boo hoo. I also faked back aches as an excuse to stand in the back and walk around the parking lot.

cantleave

I could never sit through a meeting again. I will never set foot in a KH again, for any reason.

Joey Jo-Jo

I know how meetings are like venusinfauxfurs when you know its all bull, I had to bite my tongue a lot, memorial was the worse.

Sitting Still at Meetings has Become an Impossibility

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