Sitting Still at Meetings has Become an Impossibility (page 3)

Darth Rutherford

I listened in to the School and Service Meeting last week through the phone connection because I wanted to hear the "Gilead" letter, and what they had to say about it. Trust me... I was having a hard time sitting still in my own living room! What is it about those fraking meetings... the monotone instructor who just rambles... the mindless comments?!! The longer I'm away, the more sensitive my BS-Detector gets. How can anyone sit still while the BS-alarm is going off in one's mind and heart?

venusinfauxfurs

Hi everyone, knowing other people have gone through this nightmare helps a lot. I have a long road of psychotherapy ahead of me that i wish would be unnecessary as long as i just left the hall for good - and maybe it will be - i keep forgetting i haven't taken that leap of faith to find out. I'm still having panic attacks from hell because i'm looking for reasons to stay in this thing when my conscience just wants out. My body is carrying all the stress of my mind saying "if only everyone i loved would wake up" and as most of us here would know, that's completely beyond our control :( :( :( :( :(

I was out yesterday and JW's from my hall who are just new to the hall i attend were nearby and even that was making me anxious. I don't think its solely limited to the bullshit on the platform. I just have to think about them and get worked up. It's weird though... when i'm sitting in the hall, there are trigger words that make me sick! I now take mind control seriously. Those trigger words all have to do with the organization itself. The only time i didn't have a panic attack in the past few months was when the WT was somewhat about Jesus. Call it crazy, but i was oddly calm. BUT Not because i was focused on the WT article itself (i never am) but because i was thinking about Jesus my own way, not reading along. Then i started to cry discreetly, and it was the first time i was ever moved in a kingdom hall. It didn't come from the platform, it came from within me, where Jesus says the kingdom is. JW's dont believe that because they're spiritually dead. I know thats harsh but thats the conclusion i've come to.

This wont make sense to atheists, but the more i pray, the harder it is to stay in there. Jesus says you'll know the truth and it'll set you free, but not while i'm chained to the org, still. I'm no longer leaving with thoughts of "Where to now?" i know what it is to follow Jesus, when 6 months ago, when all this started happening mildly, i didn't know that yet. I hadn't studied the bible on it's own and i couldn't imagine not belonging to something that did all the thinking for me.

But the more i pray and read the Bible (and NOT the corrupt NWT) the more I find scriptures that confirm JWs are not the truth. Scriptures that I've never heard in a KH. The other night i listened and read along with LittleToe's final talk and got extremely emotional. THAT was a "spiritual banquet" not WT crap.

Please bear with me, because it might sound crazy, but my whole motivation to stay in the mess is a man and he is so deep into it, it's not funny. I have this stupid fantasy i suppose of marrying him because he's so nice, loves God, blah blah, but I'm trying to think of it this way: he would stand idly by while his family, friend, or his wife (if that was to be me) died from refusing blood. I'm trying to see how terrible marrying a JW could be, as opposed to what i've been brought up to believe: they're the best men in the world, basically. I've got rose coloured glasses on, but these panic attacks are showing me whats really going down. I have friends married to JW men and they're like stepford wives, really. Look alike, sound alike, think alike. And yet some part of me is apparently harboring a desire to join them!? And their husbands do shitkicker jobs for a living in order to pioneer. I think this back and forth thinking is fuelling an impending nervous breakdown.

I did the phone meeting the other night just to see if i could have a panic attack from the crap while in my house. No. I didn't get the symptoms, but my bullshit detector went off like crazy. had i BEEN THERE, i would have had a full blown attack. This time they were saying "If you look like the world in hairstyle and dress, will Jesus recognize you when he returns?" SERIOUSLY WTF!? What happened to reading hearts? When did it become all about appearances? Jesus even says something about "being outwardly beautiful and inwardly, whitewashed graves." I wanted to scream down the phone "Would you recognize him if he's not wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase, Pharisees!?"

It just gets MORE and MORE ridiculous.

I think i have to cut it completely. The more I go back, the more i find reasons to stay when my conscience doesn't want to and is fighting me right until I'm in the car park of the hall when it's over. I guess, at the end of the day there's no REAL purpose to be there, the bad exceeds the good, and thats all my mind can concentrate on.

lifestooshort

I think you are allergic to bullshit. Most people will do anything to avoid what they are allergic to.

mrquik

I left after 50 yrs. in. All my friends & my oldest daughter I have left behind. Oh, and my exwife. It's been 4 yrs. now & it gets better as time passes. I have a new wife, life & friends. I can't tell you what road to take. We're all on separate ones ourselves. Whatever works for you. We're here to support & help. Good luck. One piece of advice: Live Well....Enjoy Life.

Most Noble

Same here

rebel8

Hi venusinfauxfurs,

still have to go to meetings

Therein lies the answer.

good luck

moshe

are you in your 20's & do you have a job?- join a health/fitness club and work out- you will feel better and meet people. Good luck and baby steps will eventually get you to the KH exit.

featherimiss

Wow...this is why I love this site. When I was first convinced that the JW was not the Truth. I would go to the KH and cry and the strangest part is that no one every asked me why am I crying. I was so terribly depressed that I checked myself into the hospital. I was diagnosed with Severe Depression and PTSD. When I received this diagnosis and started therapy...it help me to make sense of what I had been through.

And I came to this site in late 1999 and reading others experiences....it help me to understand that I was not crazy. And just the point about people from around the world experiencing the same issue was very therapeutic.

I have not been to a KH in 6/7 years and the last time was because my father was giving a talk and my sisters thought we would surprise my dad by attending and bringing all of the grandchildren. When I listed to my dad give that talk, it was horrible...my head was spinning, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I just could not believe how many scrpitures he quoted in 45 minutes...I wanted to run up on the stage and take that JW Bible and burn it on the stage.

The point of it all is to take care of yourself and remember that the JW faith and people are a small portion of the world population. You will find many new friends and there are lots of AWESOME men to date and believe me a man without JW indocrination is so AWESOME!!!

Hortensia

I remember those feelings, I was seriously depressed at the time and had awful anxiety attacks. I couldn't sit still, had to stand at the back of the hall to listen to talks.

Time to quit!

LisaRose

There are breathing techniques you can learn that will help you through these panic attacks, or whatever it is you are feeling. Close your eyes (if you can do it discretely) slowly breath in through your nose for a count of 8 seconds (one thousand one, one thousand two, etc.) Hold for eight seconds, slowly breath out through your mouth for eight seconds. Repeat two or three times as needed. Also you can just keep on breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth for as long as you want. Think of something calming, like the beach, visualize and think about the details of the beach (or other place), the waves, etc. Breathing technique can help you through these issues. I meditate every day.

I think what is happening is that one part of your brain is telling you this is BS and to get the hell out, while another part of your brain is getting the JW brainwashing "tape" that is telling you to go along with it. That conflict is creating stress. This is something you need to work out in therapy. In the meantime, breathing can help you get through.

Sitting Still at Meetings has Become an Impossibility

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