Hello from Muddy Waters

by Muddy Waters 26 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Muddy Waters

  Hi everyone! Well, here's some of my story. (Am leaving out a lot of personal details.)

  But I was prompted to look outside the WT because I'd been having doubts and questions for a long time. After being DF'd and then re-instated, I never recovered "spiritualy" from that experience. The elders went WAY BEYOND what is written and were very harsh in their judgements and pronouncements. That had always bothered me, but I just figured I needed to follow their direction. But now it makes me really really angry and upset.

  And then things changed within the society and their teachings… the generation thing… the blood-fractions thing…. none of this made sense to me any more.

  Yes, I fought my doubts. Prayed about it. Didn't want to "run ahead" of Jehovah's organization, be presumptuous, be questioning glorious ones, stepping out of place, etc. (HA! "Glorious ones!!")
  
  But as I thought more and more about it, I would get more and more upset. When I did talk to the elders (about my poor meeting attendance and discouragement) I was told to go to meetings and strive for more field service. Just more treadmill. Oh, and that they missed me.
  
  Funny what really got me researching outside the WT organization, was my own little grandchildren. I was going to give them a copy of "My Book of Bible Stories" when I REALLY SAW, as if for the first time, THE HORRIBLE PICTURES in that book. (I don't know how I didn't see this with my own dear little children! That book is a horror-show! Terrible, nightmarish stuff for little children!!)
  
  I realized I DID NOT WANT my little grandchildren to look at this book!!! It made me feel that the GB/Society really didn't know about little kids and how to draw them to Jehovah. And with that first thought, "questioning the wisdom of the GB", it led to other (unfaithful) thoughts. And that's when I started "being bad" and looking up stuff on the internet.

  My research also led me to read Ray Franz's books... and WOW. That sent me reeling and into a headspin. I am now reading many other books (Captives of a Concept is one) and feeling actually a bit lost right now.

  I feel like I spent 30 years of my life "knowing the truth" and thinking I'd really found God and had answers, and am now back to square one. So it's been tough emotionally... I've had a disturbing dream of walking (through the streets of New York, for pete's sake!) and crying out, "Jehovah, where are you? Where are you, Jehovah?" and feeling all lost and not knowing where the heck to turn.

  I've been reading different translations of the Bible (not that it helps, still confused as can be) but am trying to gain some clarity. It's all uphill right now. Hope I don't sound too pathetic! :)
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  charlie brown jr.

  Welcome to the Forum.....
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  cofty

  Welcome Muddy Waters, thanks for your story. Isn't it amazing when you see things in a new way and amaze yourself that you didn't see it before?
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  Ding

  Welcome!

  Don't worry. You're not alone. A LOT of people understand the confusion and emotions you are describing.

  Please realize that when you read the Bible you still have all the WT spin in your head. It takes time to get past that.

  I would recommend the books of Romans and Galatians as starters instead of trying to figure out things like Ezekiel and Revelation.

  If you'd like to discuss this with me via PM, feel free.

  You access your private messages by clicking on the little envelope in the upper right hand corner of the screen. Sometimes you have to do it twice. To send someone a PM, click on their name on top of one of their posts. One of your options will be to send them a private message.
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  JW GoneBad

  Hello and welcome Muddy Waters.

  Well everyone, here is another one who found out the truth about "Truth" via the Internet and thru independent thinking. Good for you Muddy Waters.
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  tec

  You don't sound pathetic at all. And you've made your way OUT... this is a huge accomplishment (especially after 30 years in). So give yourself some credit for that. And if you can accept it, that you might actually have heard someone calling you out. If so, that One would be Christ. The one we're supposed to be listening to, and following :)

  But take your time. Read, breathe, love, live, and enjoy your freedom from the chains of the WTS.

  Welcome to the board.

  Peace to you,

  Tammy
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  ziddina

  Welcome to the forum!!

  Don't worry - the feelings of confusion you're experiencing right now are NORMAL.

  Just relax, keep on learning, and eventually you'll come to a place of peace - or of decision.

  Either way, it will give you greater strength and peace-of-mind to be able to see CLEARLY what the REAL truth about "The Truth ™ " is...

  Zid
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  mummatron

  Hello & welcome.

  My Book of Bible Stories is horrific isn't it?! Being able to look at it objectively now as an adult, the graphic illustrations of certain stories (the flood in particular) would never be used in any other "Worldly" children's books or films. I was given a copy for my children and have just sent it to be shredded in an industrial shredder. It gave me too many nightmares as a small child and there's no way I'd put my children through that. Good on you for noticing and not wanting your grandkids to see it!
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  JW GoneBad

  "After being DF'd and then re-instated, I never recovered "spiritualy" from that experience. The elders went WAY BEYOND what is written and were very harsh in their judgements and pronouncements"

  Harsh is the key word in your d'fing experience that most can relate to. The public humiliation is in itself difficult to ever recover from. This practice of d'fing IMO is a factor that is contributing to the organizations' ugly & well deserved reputation and hopefully to its' demise.
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  InterestedOne

  Regarding My Book of Bible Stories, I appreciated how a guy on YouTube pointed out that in the parting of the Red Sea picture, the Israelites are smiling happily as they look at the soldiers drowning in the water. He pointed out that this is not a good message to convey to children, and that if he were in the Red Sea situation, he would be horrified, scared, and relieved, but not smiling. This reminded me of the Armageddon pictures where the Jehovah's Witnesses are smiling happily as they walk away from all the other people getting killed. Something seems wrong with the smiles in the pictures. I would not use that material to teach children.