Welcome to the forum. Glad you are here with us.
You can see by my name that I felt many of the same things that you do. I came "in" when I was 21 and stayed over thirty years. Been out a few years now.
It was my daughter as a teen that was treated so harshly-berated and humiliated for some normal stupid teen stuff and accused of fornication which she hadn't done-they called her a liar and she was df'd. We were all devastated and wrote the WTS feeling that this would be taken care of by the "loving brothers" in NY-turns out we were the ones who got a new "spiritual education" through their uncaring attitude. Their sole concern was that the WTS be seen in a good light and that we must accept the "discipline" even if "mistakes were made." That a young one in the congregation was treated as a piece of trash was just something we'd have to overlook. (I am happy to report that even though they crushed her she went on to graduate from High School as an honor roll student and then college with the highest honors and a degree in Biology)
I can relate to the smug attitude thing. I had it, also, and am now greatly humbled.
Since your kids were never baptised, are you able to tell them of you doubts? Take time and patience with hubby. Read how many here effectively reached their spouses so that they are now "out" together.