I would like to comment, if I may, dear HD (peace to you!). I have found the following "rules" to be helpful:
Rule #1 - If you have one... get rid of your "dark cloud." CHUCK it! No one wants a relationship with a 24/7 Schleprock.
Rule #2 - After you've done that... get happy. If you're going from a negative 12... to zero... you're still benign. Happiness... attracts happiness. Meaning, happy people (and you WANT a happy person in your life, trust me!)... look for, form relationships with... and marry... happy people. If you're a constant "downer," your relationship is almost doomed to be a constant downer, as well.
Rule #3 - Accept your deficiencies... so that you can accept others' deficiencies. No one is perfect.
Rule #4 - Stop looking for "perfection." He doesn't exist. YOU don't exist as perfection.
Rule #5 - KNOW... what you CAN and CANNOT handle/take. If you can take a criminal past... then don't judge a man on that past. If, though, you can't even take shoes lying around... don't get with a man who leaves his shoes lying around. If you can't take smoking/alcohol/drugs/kids/exes/inlaws, etc.... don't get with a man who smokes/drinks/does drugs/has kids/an ex/or family. Which means you may have to take a little time to find these things out. Which leads to Rule #6:
Rule #6 - Take your time. Unless you're over, say, 70. Otherwise, a relationship is an investment in the rest of your life. DON'T make a hasty investment that you are likely to regret... because you either didn't do your due diligence... or ignored all the signs.
Rule #7 - While you don't have to smile ALL the time... don't FROWN... ever. At least, not while you're trying to attract man. Unless you're drop-dead courage (which will cause the more slimey specimens to think they're the one to wipe that frown off and so they'll approach you with some sleezy line to that effect). If you see/meet a man who you might be interested in... SMILE.
[NOTE: This is important because, for all of the bad press guys get... most of them are just as nervous, intrepid, and worried about meeting someone "right" as we are. Many have been hurt by not-so-well meaning women. They are just as, if not MORE, sensitive as we are... and actually hurt more quickly and much deeper. Put yourself in their place, on the end of always having to be the won to "win" the girl. Can't be easy. I personally would be terrified of the [often forthcoming] rejection. And we woman sometimes (often, in their minds) send mixed/conflicting "messages."
Rule #8 - If you have "issues"... you should DEAL with them (yourself, FIRST)... and, if necessary present them... but carefully and at the proper time. For ME, that's from the gate. Let ME know what's up with you, right off the bat (say, by date 2 or 3 and at least once we've decided we're actually gonna be an item). Don't make me invest my time and energies, only to tell me a year later that you have 7 bodies buried in your backyard! It is unfair and deceitful to have "skeletons" that WILL come out... and not tell the person you're seeing [exclusively]. It does not give that person a chance to make an informed decision whether to continue the relationship or not. Many people hide stuff... only to have it come out AFTER they married (and "bound", so that they feel they can't get out of the relationship, even if they SHOULD). It's not fair and, again, it's deceitful... and no relationship that starts out on deceit can survive. At least, not happily or healthily. So, as soon as it's proper, come clean!
Rule #9 - Let the person know your expectations and offerings of and as to the relationship. Particularly YOUR part ("Here's what I'm bringing to the table. Here's what I need YOU to bring.")
Rule #10 - Make sure you bring what you said you would. Always. Keep your word. Because that's the only way you can demand, even expect, another to keep theirs.
Rule #11 - KNOW... WITHOUT A DOUBT... that 100% of YOUR happiness... lies with YOU. Another person can bring you joy, yes. In what they say and/or do. Another person cannot, however, MAKE you happy. Only YOU can do that. And it's really based on a decision YOU make... and nothing more.
Of course, this is not all. Others will have other and as good, even better, "advice." I offer mine as from a few places, including (1) what I hear from my Lord on how spouses are supposed to be with one another; (2) the lengthy marriages (25+ years) of many friends and family; (3) what I've read on the matter from time to time; and (4) my own very "wonderful" marriage. I realize some of this went beyond "finding" a husband, but since it is a husband you want to find... I offered as to what "draws" men who make good husbands. They are usually the men who don't play games.
I hope this helps and, again, peace to you!
A slave of Christ,
SA
