Struggling

by Alive! 48 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Garrett

  Hi alive,

  I'm so sorry to hear about your terrible experience. I completely understand what you're going through because I, and numerous others have gone through it as well.

  my lowest point in the organization came when I became very depressed and suicidal. I asked for help from the elders but got ignored. They never seemed to care about y mental health even hough they very well knew what was wrong with me. Ghosts when I finally decided it was over and I left never to return.. Do you know how I feel now after leaving? My depression slowly went away and has not returned. I have never felt more free and mentally clear!

  this is going to sound harsh, but I've found out the hard way that life is harsh. After deciding to stop going to meetings, you need to be able to live with knowing that your so called friends will never look at you the same way again. Most of the relationships they have are superficial, hardly anything is ever real.

  what I recommend is this, instead of being cooped up in the house or doing what you would normally do everyday, I recommend you go out and find something that you and your husband enjoy doing. Find a group that you guys can join or a club. For example, when I left, I started taking a martial art. Something I've always wanted to do but couldn't due to the restrictions put in place by the organization. Maybe you have something you always wanted to do but couldn't because of the org?

  if your husband left with you and you are both out together, that is wonderful. Many here don't have that luxury. I say, take full advantage of it!

  im a young guy with a third of your experience in life, but I will say that it slowly will get better, I promise :)

  peace and love,

  Garrett
• 

  KateWild

  Hey Alive,

  I understand what you're going through and it's difficult. It's rotten to lose all your friends and loved ones. I left in Nov 2013 and still mourn over my loss.

  The isolation can be devastating and a nightmare to cope with.

  I hope you and your husband can get through this and be happier soon.

  Kate xx
• 

  WingCommander

  @ Millie210:

  "I read about one young man left to struggle alone at the hospital while his parent died over the blood issue and the elders didnt want to bother to come even though they were called."

  Not to derail this thread, but I believe you are referring to me. My mother had a liver transplant in another state, at a University known for doing "bloodless" transplants (or as close to bloodless as you can when dealing with organs), and while she got the transplant, she died 3 months later. Towards the end, I had called our COBE (PO, back then) and asked for some spiritual support for my mother. The man was half pissed that I had called and interrupted his supper! He then informed me that I should contact the LOCAL Congregation and have Elders that I didn't even know visit my dying mother. He then promptly hung up on me, leaving me alone in my car with my cell phone and my jaw on the floor. I never felt so alone in my life....abandoned! I was 27, my mother was 54, and this was my last living parent. It was a slap to the face. We had known this many for 15 years, and he couldn't be bothered.....was angered that I dared to call him during dinner. He didn't attend my mother's funeral either. That's ok......I attended HIS about 2 years later. Guess Karma caught up to him? Guess he didn't have Jah's spirit watching over him as a beam fell on him and killed him instantly, and from what I later heard ...... at an Assembly Hall building project!!!!!!!! (media said it was a construction site, how convenient!)

  The lack of Christian Love from these self-righteous poseurs is an astounding site to behold or be on the receiving end of. It's like, I can't believe I put up with this much emotional and spiritual abuse for as long as I did. The above is just one of MANY incidents I personally experienced from these toxic a-holes over my lifetime "associating" with them. To Alive!: You say that it hurt to no longer be invited to social gatherings or get togethers after some missed meeting attendance? Imagine how my family felt at NEVER being invited to ANY congregation social gathering, party, wedding, picnic, youth activity, etc........in 25 years !!! NOTHING! You must have been wealthy or well-off, or benefited them somehow I imagine to be so well thought of to be invited to everything before? We got ZILCH from these people. My father was good enough to help do maintenance on the KH, and my mom & I were good enough to help clean the KH though!! Yep! Good enough to do that crap, yet those same people were no where to be found while my parents were dying.

  I, and many others could go on and on, but I'm sure you're getting the idea. If this type of treatment, this behavior, is all that the Kingdom Halls of JW's have to offer, then please count me out - forever! I decided already at about age 10 that I didn't like or want to be around such fake individuals, and I am forever grateful for the internet and sites like these for helping to answer my questions, share experiences, and show that I am not the only one fed up with their phony "Christian Love."

  "Get out of her my people," - Indeed.
• 

  cha ching

  Sorry for your pain WingCommander, we can all feel what you have gone thru.... It is real, and it hurts. Hugs.

  KateWild... hugs to you too...

  Hope you are feeling better today, Alive! :-)

  Yep, much better "out" of the Borg...

  ChaChing
• 

  millie210

  Yes WingCommander it was you.

  Your story was a huge help to me. Even though my experiences were different than yours, I was hurting and wondering what I could "do" about it. Should I try harder? Write a better letter to the Society? What?

  Your story was just so black and white. I mean come on...when does humanity stop and pull together? Times of crisis. A car going off a bridge, a baby wandering in to traffic, a gunman at a bank, will all elicit acts of heroism in total strangers. If an elder couldnt even respond in your situation then maybe my problem wasnt one with the local elders or what had happened to me. Maybe it was more pervasive. Who trains these elders to be this way? Who shuts off the natural urge to run to someones aid in a clear cut crisis?

  Who does that???

  The Organization does.

  Maybe this one specific elder in your story was just a jerk. Fine. When the Org heard about it they should have removed him and apologized to you. They should have updated their precious manual to include MORE training on how to respond in a crisis (especially a blood crisis since they create them). they should have a demo at their elders school showing how NOT to behave with such a situation.

  The fact that they take no action when elders act outside the range of common human decency is a huge and undeniable indicator that they are beyond the boundary of where one can place their trust.

  This was helpful to me as I said above, I now began to see where I needed to "assign the crazy".

  I didnt need to try harder, write it better, say it better, pray harder or grieve more.

  I needed to gather my resources and walk away.

  Scary but thats where this site came in. The stories just keep coming and it reminds one each time "Im not the problem".

  Watching the diverse population here come together and struggle to aid a person who comes to post their problem stands in stark contrast to the "Org."

  Its so refreshing!

  Alive - I too apologize for the derailment, hope there is a note of hope in all the words.

  now back to our regularly scheduled program..
• 

  Ding

  Welcome!

  Don't feel guilty about venting here.

  That's one of the main purposes of this website, to give JWs and XJWs a place to be real.

  Remember that the WT wants you to feel guilty and depressed. The whole system operates by guilt and fear.
  
• 

  WingCommander

  @ Millie (and others)

  "Your story was a huge help to me. Even though my experiences were different than yours, I was hurting and wondering what I could "do" about it. Should I try harder? Write a better letter to the Society? What?"

  This is a reoccurring theme that you will hear again and again from surviving ex-Cult members, that of, you can never do enough, give enough, pray enough, be good enough, etc. All cults have this in common. You are NEVER good enough, and truly JW's are a "works based" religion. The instant you are not warming a KH seat and filling a KH contribution box, you are a non-existant ZERO. You "worth" is completely conditional upon your status as a cult member and perpetual giver of everything.......every last drop of life.

  Millie, you are correct about the glaring contrast of how non-JW's treat people in a time of crisis versus how JW's react in a time of crisis. The day after this Elder hung up on me and couldn't be bothered, I received a phone call from my mother's co-workers (She was an RN for 30 years), who stated they had taken off work, rented a mini-van, and were driving down to visit and console my mother before she passed. My God! I was blown away.....they met with my mother, who immediately was more awake, conscious, and happy to see them, as well as comforting me and buying me lunch at the University cafeteria. (I could barely eat though). They warmed my heart with stories about her, etc. They also came to her funeral and kept in touch with me. I'll never forget that. And the JW's? Couldn't be bothered. My, what a fine "Witness" my mother's coworkers gave, vs the JW's who didn't do jack squat! That was truly the last straw for me. Until that incident, I had held out some sort of hope that maybe JW's were "the one true religion." After that treatment, I was left feeling nothing but contempt for the religion of my youth. Even UVa hotel staff who knew my situation (I was back and forth from PA to VA for 3+ months and stayed at the same UVa owned hotel) took pity on me and offered their own Christian faith to console me during different times of my stay. I feel like a complete ASS for thanking them kindly and waiving them off. (False religion, don't ya know!) So-called "wordly" people cared for me in my time of need......JW's whom we knew for 20+ years were nowhere to be found. We had similar experience with my father's illness 8 yrs prior.....that really shook my mom I can tell you. She actually bought and read Ray Franz's books before me! (though I was on the internet first)

  Alive! - I (and others) know the range of emotions you are going thru.....we have been there. It's like a punch to the gut to realize you were misled by a money-grubbing Cult. Say it.......you were in a Cult! I was in a Cult! But now, we are OUT of the cult, and we are Alive! and we are not only surviving, we are striving.
• 

  GrreatTeacher

  Thanks for sharing, WingCommander. I've heard your story before, but thanks for posting again for the newbies.

  Having grown up in the same circuit, I know that it is rife with cliques and materialism. Many business owners who own not only large homes, but large vacation homes. You work for them, make decent money yourself, or you're out of the clique of the "cool kids."

  There's a large amount of pioneers, too, but that's just a gate of exclusivity to keep out the "lesser" ones. It's really just a social club that gives you access to the grapevine of gossip

  When I'm visiting my mom and someone from the hall calls, you should hear how quickly her voice changes to a syrupy, fake tone that sounds like the talks at the hall. It's all such a sham. She's always done this. She could be screaming her head off, but would turn on a dime when the phone rang, sounding like the most kind, "Christian" person in the world. But it was play acting and fake, fake, fake.

  And then there's the bragging about attending large anniversary parties or baby showers or sales parties where you can buy expensive handbags. Or stories of large groups of people vacationing together in a brother's large vacation home which he deducts as a business expense.

  I had it out with a sister about ten years ago because she threw a large anniversary party for my parents and didn't invite us children. Even me who is not currently disfellowshipped. Normal people don't do that. They don't have a large anniversary party for a couple and not invite their children! I held them to the same standard of decency as the rest of the world and threw a fit about the rudeness of it all. They are such morally bankrupt people.
• 

  Alive!

  Hi everyone.

  i have been reading and reading - each and everyone of you has left treasures.

  I'm a little overwhelmed in being able to respond to so many - every single post has resonated with me.

  WingCommander - Im so sorry for your nightmare existence within the religion - I don't know you, but I think of the many who suffer the same neglect in many, many congregations. In every congregation we have stayed in - there have been the impoverished and neglected.... Unless they were pioneering they got ZERO help.

  "You must have been wealthy or well-off, or benefited them somehow I imagine to be so well thought of to be invited to everything before?"

  I guess you got that one right. I suppose from day one, we were somewhat coveted. Apparently normal and successful youngish people in "the world" - and yes, in a decent financial position after being in the right place at the right time for work opportunities....

  As I reflect on this life with the religion, I suspect it tapped into my core weaknesses and needs on one level, my inner childish desire for approval was not too healthy - whilst the hope that our earth has a purpose made my heart soar.

  i have a tendency to idealism. LOL.

  I wanted to be my brother's keeper. I stretched out for that. But looking back, I'm ashamed. I should have been stronger.

  I WANTED a spiritual society of like minded people - I WANTED everyone, no matter what race or background to be brothers and sisters - from the socially and economically neediest to the more privileged. I wanted to stand shoulder to shoulder with fellow humans.

  Initially - the appearance was of unity, brotherhood. Very quickly we were part of the "cool crowd" - your summary of the social structure and hierarchy rings very true.

  The first niggle and shock we got - and this was in the first couple of years of conversion - was the cynical view many elders had of the R and F.

  The stories, secrets and scandals that were told at those Elder drinking parties.... We should have run. But the power of the greater concept was so great.

  The power of the prophecies, the power of that magical equation for 1914.....the rejection of pagan holidays, the rejection of burning hell - it was intoxicating.

  Until one day.........

  Sorry, this is brief and scrappy compared to all the fantastic posts here - I'm just tapping, tapping and please may I tell you all - you are ALL making a difference.

  I do feel better today.

  As Millie said -" I know where to assign craziness now."

  I'm not defective. I may be broken, but I'm OK.

  
  
• 

  steve2

  Welcome Alive! Thank you for sharing your experiences - very heartfelt. Yes, when we have built relationships within the local kingdom hall, and learn to depend on those relationships as our virtual "family" we are so vulnerable to disapproval and rejection even when we raise important questions about key doctrines. For untold numbers in this situation, they learn to survive by shutting down their minds and going along with the crowd - very much the way in which Witnesses scorn members of the churches of Christendom.

  It can be hard to hear Witnesses deride our fair-minded questions as "quibbles" or "fault-finding". Or they minimise the importance of the questions by offering some flimsy analogy...or they simply don't get back to us.

  Trying to get your head around inconsistencies in the No Blood doctrine is nigh impossible with the scorn Witnesses show to such questions. Hell we are not talking about tiddly-winks teachings here - but a doctrine that has consequences for life and death! It deserves full scrutiny on that basis alone - and if it withstands scrutiny, so be it. On the basis of the organization's official responses - and local Witnesses deep-seated avoidance - it collapses under the weight of very poor reasoning and refusal to logically follow through on the myriad inconsistencies. People die for this!! It's disgusting and so needless.

  You are 60 years young - so do yourself and your husband a favor by throwing yourselves into your lives as fully as possible. Make connections with others that are not based on mindless conformity. Accept that you have healthy, questioning brains - to raise vital questions about doctrine and policy is a strength - not a weakness. The shoe is on the other foot: It is the Witnesses who dispolay such shocking weaknesses regarding their faith by attempting to address questions with poor argumentation and - when that doesn't work - use emotional blackmail to shut down questioners' brains.

  Wingcommander - I had no idea about your circumstances and just want to say how moved I was by your post!

  Indeed, to Alive, Wingcommander and others on this thread: More power to you to stand and make the kind of life you want for yourselves!