I feel sad when someone relatively new on this board signs off because they have been offended by some posters comments

by smiddy 43 Replies latest jw friends

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  NewChapter

  Rather than try to censor the posters here, I think it is better to help the new person get some perspective. Which is the line I took with CE. Yes she felt hurt and insulted. Maybe that was warranted, maybe not---I didn't follow the thread, and it's really not important. The important thing is to help them, especially the younger posters, to understand that people will insult them, it is their right to insult them, and they need to gain confidence and not let it crush them. CE took this really well and understood where I was coming from. The KH does not really equip us with social skills, so it is a learning experience. We were afraid to speak our minds, because we were afraid of 'stumbling' people. The real world is not like that. Developing a thick skin can only help. And as I told CE, as she gains confidence, it will enable her to roll her eyes at insults and say "Whatever!".

  Look, I'm not in favor of abuse. But I don't think coddling is the answer either. We do our best by helping them deal with the realities of taking part in a very large and varied group without getting crushed. And we are all free to come to anyone's aid.

  NC
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  Violia

  Even those who are qualified to help her can't do it on line , nor should they try. It is an easy way to lose your license.

  Mrs. Jones is correct. She got caught. She cut herself b/c of what a poster said, please read that again.

  We are patient with most new xjws.

  I think she has played us too.
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  NewChapter

  She cut herself? Well then we can help. We help by collectively telling her to get help. And we help her by teaching her to take insults in stride. We can't help with the cutting---but that doesn't negate what we can do. She needs help, and we should remind her often. We should not allow her to blame the insulter, because this is her problem and she needs help. We should never let her think it is okay to hurt herself because of something someone said. And she should get help. Immediately.

  http://helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

  For referrals and support for cutting and self-harm 1-800-366-8288

  Suicide prevention 800-273-8255

  NC
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  Violia

  thanks NC , glad Lady Lee put those in the links section yesterday. We would be needing them.

  Her post regarding this was to induce guilt . That is what borderlines do, try and guilt everyone and get folks in two camps - those who really love/like/care about me and those who are mean to me.

  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
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  mrsjones5

  You're right. She needs help. If she's cutting herself I have a feeling she's been doing it long before she got here. We all don't know what the child has gone through and is going through in her young life, we only know what she has told us here. We only know how she has acted here. Telling her that she shouldn't be here isn't mean. Encouraging her to be here is not kind. She doesn't need to be here, she needs help. Pronto.
• 

  NewChapter

  Her post regarding this was to induce guilt . That is what borderlines do, try and guilt everyone and get folks in two camps

  Yes, I've dealt with a few. I concluded that the only help I can offer is to push them to get help. Otherwise I just get caught up in the manipulation. I'm not saying that it is motivated by bad things, but seems to be the only way they can control their world. I've learned that if I get caught up, that person will then try to consume me and make their problems mine. And if I don't put up firm boundaries, then I end up in that other camp. The best thing is to let someone who isn't emotionally invested and who is skilled to help them handle it. In the meantime, cutting is not an appropriate response to insults, and it is not the fault of the insult giver. Period.

  NC
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  Violia

  NC you are a very kind person and seek to help others. This is a good thing. No one wants to become jaded. Yes, cutting yourself is not a normal response to insults or perceived insults. I am very glad Lady Lee put the page up I posted with all those call numbers and websites. Now it is permanently in the links section.

  It is easy to get sucked into the borderlines world b/c it is black and white. You are all good and like me and help me or you are a bad person who tells me things I do not want to hear.

  the usual way to treat this is with therapy and even therapists have to be on guard with these patients as they will literally suck the life blood out of you. I'm sure you have heard of the the term psychic /emotional/ energy vampires. It just means what I said, they literally drain the life blood out of you b/c they have a hole in their soul/heart/mind that cannot be filled .

  these folks do suffer and it is hard for them. They are not wanted as patients b/c of the problems they cause. They are like infants who ceaseless need . NEED. It is a very difficult disorder to treat.
• 

  NewChapter

  psychic /emotional/ energy vampires.

  LOL---I didn't want to say it, but YES. I have one in my life. It is an old friendship, and I have learned to extricate myself. Recently I helped in a difficult situation, where my help was proper, but she began to see it as now I am her main support and somehow owe her constant attention in all areas. I've had to turn my phone off at times, and tell her quite firmly that I loved and cared about her, but she would not manipulate me and demand all my time and energy. I remind her often of the boundaries. Now I'm sure when she talks to others, it will come out that I am refusing her calls, and refusing to talk to her, because . . . fill in blank. I know this because that's what she says about others.

  I've come a long way. As a teen, I didn't understand what was happening. Today, I am quite firm about boundaries and rarely let someone cross them without permission. Sometimes that makes me look like a bitch. I'm okay with that. I barely blink.

  NC
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  mrsjones5

  "Today, I am quite firm about boundaries and rarely let someone cross them without permission. Sometimes that makes me look like a bitch. I'm okay with that. I barely blink."
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  OUTLAW

  "What are you doing on JWN?"

  

  ...................... ...OUTLAW