I feel sad when someone relatively new on this board signs off because they have been offended by some posters comments

by smiddy 43 Replies latest jw friends

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  Morbidzbaby

  Jeez, NC...your post there described an ex friend of mine! We were friends for 20 years (lost touch for a long time because I was raised JW and I wasn't allowed to speak to her after school let out) and this is exactly how she is. I was literally her only friend. Everyone else steered clear of her. I gave her so much over the course of 2 years, spent thousands of dollars to help her out when she had nothing for her baby, planned and executed her wedding (food, decorations, flowers, the cake...I did it all...even makeup and hair). She paid me back by stealing my boyfriend, guilting and manipulating me into giving them my "blessing", and then turned it all around on me and said if I was really happy with my new man I wouldn't have said anything to her husband about what she had done (I saw him at the market and he asked me why I didn't hang around with her anymore so I told him the truth...and that he needed to watch his kids around the guy she was dating...his drinking had gotten WAY out of hand and he was being verbally abusive to her and the kids and had threatened to slit my throat and leave me where no one could find me...I figured their father might want to know who was living in the house with his children). She basically made it seem like this was all my fault and I was opening a can of worms and messing up HER life lol. Her husband told me why he ended up leaving...she's thankless, talks shit behind everyone's back about how she's been so wronged (including talking about me behind my back when I was living with her and helping her more than she deserved), and she's just a bad person. Now that I'm reading all this, it seems she's probably a Borderline. And it also seems I'm even more grateful that I wrote her off and refuse to speak to her anymore lol. Oddly, we've been pregnant at the same time 3 times (including now...a FB friend of hers who is a very good friend of mine told me she's due in August...I'm due in September). Totally not planned. Makes me think she was either a close friend, sister, or nemesis in a past life LOL.

  As for being nice to people who are new here, I agree with being gentle with certain people. Those who are questioning the beliefs, those who have faded or were DF'ed, etc. Some people are obvious trolls, and some come here just to spout long diatribes about JW beliefs and how true they are. Those can easily be ignored and will eventually stop if not given attention. But some people come here truly broken and hurting and looking for a place to vent, to get support, and to get some clear thoughts on things. It's sad when THOSE people are turned away because of the attitudes of some here. For example, I'm an Atheist (no secret), but I wouldn't call out someone who was hurting and lost over realizing the JW's are not the truth and then shatter their entire world by telling them there's no God, either. I might gently suggest some reading material and suggest really educating themselves on certain theories in order to make the decision FOR THEMSELVES. But jumping on someone, name calling, making them feel bad about their cherished beliefs...is wrong and heartless. Now, I might make a snarky comment in a thread that's turned into a debate...hell yeah! If it's someone who has been here a long time and knows the "rules of the playground", then I have no problem calling them out on ignorant statements (and have done so).

  But, I guess what I'm trying to say is...we need to be a little LESS like JW's around here. One thing I've noticed is a complete double-standard. For instance, one poster came here and started a thread. Someone attacked him for using Watchtower lingo even though he had been out for awhile. Others jumped on that bandwagon and roasted this guy for using Watchtower phrases, claiming he wasn't as healed as he thought he was because he was using Watchtower language. Then, not long after, another poster gets roasted because they AREN'T using Watchtower language or they don't use the words the Watchtower uses to describe something like disfellowshipping. I mean...What the fuck, people?? Make up your damn minds! And then I see long-time posters using words like "The Organization" (I myself use it from time to time) and they're the same damn people that harp on others for using those same words. It's hypocritical, it's a double-standard, and it's very "Watchtower-esque".
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  Twitch

  I admire noobs who post that those who don't agree with their particular set of morals or beliefs are stuck in a WT mindset. That one never gets old...

  And if you've never dealt with a borderline and want to play the game, have fun.
• 

  NewChapter

  Yeah Morbid, a borderline will eat you alive. They push people to act out of guilt (if you don't help me who will? I will fall to pieces, and it will be your fault!). Children? Just another tool to add to the sponging activity. Illness? How cruel we are to leave them to suffer alone. Nobody cares. It is exhausting. This friend once heard that I had got supper for my family from a drive-thru. My husband and I were working ourselves into a frenzy, we lacked time, and this was the option I chose one day. She went to another friend and said, "Sure, she can afford take-out, but she can't come visit me!". The entitlement is mind boggling.

  But it's under control now. It turns out that if you tell them exactly how you feel, the effect they are having on you, the fact that you don't appreciate being manipulated, and the idea that you will only help as you see fit---they actually don't melt like wet sugar. They are quite resourceful, and while I'm sure I get deomonized when it happens, it has no effect on me. And she always wants to continue the friendship. I also don't like to sit on a phone and listen to someone breathe. Since she has nothing to say ever, because she will not pursue a life, I will tell her about my week and say that's all I have, unless you have something, we have to hang up now.

  NC
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  OUTLAW

  She went to another friend and said, "Sure, she can afford take-out, but she can't come visit me!".

  How much does she Charge,for you to come Visit?

  

  ....................... ...OUTLAW
• 

  Morbidzbaby

  LOL NC, that really sounds just like her. She whined because she didn't think anyone would give her a baby shower...Guess who stepped up? She whined because she needed to go through all her baby clothes in the basement and her husband was procrastinating (she was like 25 weeks pregnant...not exactly urgent) and I helped her with that, too. She did the whole "We have NO FOOD!!!" emergency call and I spent $20 to have a pizza delivered to her house. They had food. They just didn't have any they wanted to eat lol. The thing that embarrasses me the most is that I enabled her laziness. Her house was disgusting. I mean, full cat box, cat puke on the floor, roaches in the fridge, DISGUSTING. Her daughter had played with her own poop and pee in her play kitchen and it was sitting in the living room for over a month all dried up and filled with flies and maggots. And yet...I would go over and clean for her. Ugh I was such a sucker!! She isn't the type that I can actually tell her anything about herself and how she treats people. She's always right, no matter if you can prove she's wrong. She once attacked me over not vaccinating my children because of the Autism scare (my oldest is Autistic) and I told her gently "Well, if you had an Autistic child, you might feel differently". She came back with "I don't have an Autistic child...and I won't, either! MY kid is NORMAL!!". Bitch. She contantly sucked the life out of me, used me up until I wouldn't give anymore, and then decided to take what I had. I guess in my mind I felt I owed her. She let me sleep on her couch for a few months when I was homeless after my separation. I saw SOME of myself in her and thought she was just suffering from depression. In actuality, she's just a miserable human being.
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  144001

  Sorry, folks, but I think CE is nothing but a troll, and the recent references to cutting herself are desperate but false claims to attract more attention now that she/he knows that her/his 15 mins in the spotlight are going south and coming to an end.

  The only thing I can believe from CE is that she/he needs professoinal help, immediately.
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  Razziel

  I started reading message boards on a variety of subjects back in 1997 (It wasn't a JW no-no back then!). This one is quite tame and politically correct. But one thing I've seen over and over again is that anytime a group of people interact, someone always comes along to "stir the anthill" by injecting something controversial or their own personal drama. It doesn't matter if the subject matter is something as mundane as how to quilt afghan blankets, someone still comes along asking about politics, religion, or relationship advice or drops in to troll and says afghan blankets suck. Someone (usually new) plays the protagonist role, there are then several antagonist and apologist regulars who argue back and forth. A few posters try to be "the voice of reason" and play referee, and what they say usually gets lost in the shuffle. If the board is heavily moderated, the thread is locked and if it's not, it usually devolves into a group of monkeys slinging feces at each other, and anybody else who happens to "walk by" the thread. Regardless, everybody gets worked up about it.

  We should expect that more on boards like this one where the subject matter is often controversial to begin with, and where many of us have some lingering personal issues from being a JW. I dislike boards that are heavily moderated. As a kid, "peer pressure" was personified as the devil himself trying to make me do bad things, but now I realize peer pressure and peer reactions to your actions serves an important part of teaching you what is socially acceptable.

  CE got a lot of sympathy, but she also got a lot of good advice. Because it wasn't what she wanted to hear, or in the tone she wanted to hear it, she took offense, when nothing really offensive was said. Several posters finally gave up and said "well, your just immature and will have to learn life's lessons on your own." It could have been said much more bluntly.

  I think adverse peer reactions on message boards like this are good for an Ex-JW. Yes we want to show that people in the world at large are caring and accepting. But if you use faulty reasoning, or say something exceptionally immature, expect to get called out on it. This isn't just a problem with Ex-JWs, there are a lot of young adults entering the workforce who have no experience with rejection, or even people disagreeing with them. And it's not just me that sees this, I get remarks from coworkers including the manager that most of the fresh-outs in their early 20's have to have their hand held and get constant reassurance nowadays.

  It used to be that we learned on the playground that sometimes our best wasn't good enough. Try as we might, with the skills and knowledge we had at the time, we came up short. Sometimes we made bad decisions. Sometimes we said stupid things. Did all of our parents, and grandparents develop low-self esteem because of that? No, it taught them to work and study harder, to recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and to move on from rejection or failure. It's sad if you have to learn that lesson on a message board instead of real life, but that may be the digital reality we have now.

  On the flip side, many did have parents who were alcoholics, or abusive, or had some other problem. I believe CE said low self-esteem runs in hers. It's dangerous for anyone who says "well this runs in my family." It very well may, but people have the propensity of only living up to expectations and having self-fulfilling prophecies. Did you notice how she wears low self-esteem like a badge and mentions it in everyone of her posts? People who truly have low self-esteem don't advertise it like that, or show the backbone she did once people didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I'm not sure she has low self-esteem so much as low expectations for herself, which is a problem all its own.

  And finally, in my own experience on other boards, once you factor out the trolls, most of the immature "newbies" who get flamed, threaten to leave, but don't, and then slowly grow up as they start to realize the world doesn't revolve around them. Don't be mean, but don't temper or sugar coat the truth too much either, it's an important part of developing social skills and understanding how life really works.
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  sizemik

  But one thing I've seen over and over again is that anytime a group of people interact, someone always comes along to "stir the anthill" by injecting something controversial or their own personal drama. It doesn't matter if the subject matter is something as mundane as how to quilt afghan blankets, someone still comes along asking about politics, religion, or relationship advice or drops in to troll and says afghan blankets suck. Someone (usually new) plays the protagonist role, there are then several antagnosists and apologists regulars who argue back and forth. A few posters try to be "the voice of reason" and play referee, and what they say usually gets lost in the shuffle. If the board is heavily moderated, the thread is locked and if it's not, it usually devolves into a group of monkeys slinging feces at each other, and anybody else who happens to "walk by" the thread. Regardless, everybody gets worked up about it. . . . Razziel

  LOL . . . a perfect description of JWN. Makes you wonder why we bother. What gets me is that some posters start a thread with links and references . . . only for the nay-saying attention seekers to hit the thread sniping first, asking questions later. You can tell they've only skim read the article and not bothered with the links or doing any research because they're posting in a matter of minutes.

  They don't stop to consider for even a moment . . . the prospect of a new stage for their self-interested attention-seeking is too good to turn down. They just want to be noticed. Sadly, many of the more value-adding posters quickly move on . . . or are sucked in to endless pointless exchanges with these turd-flies. When a poster raises the issue through an announced withdrawal . . . the same old flies appear with either new doses of hate . . . or some lame self-justification. This too is life . . . so they say.
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  watson

  I can't keep up with the threads here, so I'm probably late in asking this, but did anyone here actually know "C E"? If so, then you may have to ignore this comment....

  Without knowing this poster personally, I really thought it was a guy in his 30s having fun. If "C E" is for real, then the advice given to seek professional help is the best.

  I mean no harm here, so correct me if I'm way off base.

  Watson
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  Violia

  Nice sum up razziel. I found this site ( not jwn but the link) a long time ago and it has moved and expanded. Types of posters on DB's are on the click-able pull down on left side.

  I have been on net since 96 and all DB work similar.

  http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/index.htm