First of all I am happy to be here..this site has been an invaluable tool which helped me get to the point where i am today. I was born and raised as a Jehovah's Witness and I am now 30 yrs old. My entire family are die hard witnesses; pioneers, elders, bethel etc. I just informed my brothers nad parents I am having serious doubts and completely stopped going to the meetings. Needless to say they were devastated and think it is just a phase. I spoke to the elders and alsomtoldmthem about my doubts and they were not able to refute them, just simple told me to be humble. I am having difficulty with my wife, she isngreat but is a complet firm believer. I know I will not be happy with her because I will never return to be a witness but she will not leave me, Im just wondering if anyone here went through the same thing?
New here...need some support
by Freeof1914 47 Replies latest jw friends
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stuckinamovement
Welcome. I am in the exact same position. It is devastating and it might be the biggest challenge your marriage ever goes through.
SIAM
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Freeof1914
Did you decide it was better to cut all ties including wife just to make your recovery quicker, kind of like starting from scratch? I think of it sort of like blowing everything up and starting the rebuilding from zero. What are your thoughts?
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tornapart
Hi Free.. I'm in a similar position, family all in, husband an elder. I'm sticking with it. I'm at home right now while they are all at the meeting. I try to miss as many as I can get away with. No one can tell you what you should do, it's a very personal decision and only you know what is right for you. My only advice would be to take it slowly and carefully. Don't burn any bridges with your family until you are sure what it is you want.
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undercover
Welcome...
Many of us have been right where you are at. While realizing that the JWs/WTS is not God's Earthly Organization can be earth shattering and cause sleepless nights, it's not necessary to go off half-cocked while still in a state of upheaval.
You said, " I am having difficulty with my wife, she isngreat but is a complet firm believer. I know I will not be happy with her because I will never return to be a witness but she will not leave me, Im just wondering if anyone here went through the same thing?"
Let's not have a knee-jerk reaction and throw the wife out with the religion. Even if she, for the moment, continues to remain loyal to the organization, you can still have a meaningful and happy relationship. It won't be easy. It will take work...and time, lots and lots of time along with a hefty dose of patience. If you love your wife, it is a least worth the effort to give it a shot in trying to maintain the marriage while still manifesting your independance from the WTS. And as you come to terms with your doubts and the real truth you'll learn about the WTS, you can slyly, slowly, methodically get your wife to start thinking independantly and critically.
That's not to say that it will definitely all end up happily ever after... If she makes a firm stand for the organization, willing to choose them over you, then yes, the marriage could come apart. But if your relationship is good, and if you show her that you love her no matter what...that your love for her, and that your relationship with her is the most important thing to you, it can win her over to compromising. Once you get a compromise, you can wedge in outside experiences, people and recreation that can, and hopefully will, erode that dedication to all things JW.
What you can't do is lay all your cards on the table and expect her to rationally and methodically study it and go, "Hey! he's right! It is a cult! I'm outa there!" It just doesn't work that way. People who believe, believe despite facts. You have to overcome the emotional dependance to the organization and congregation so you can work on other areas.
The book, Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan is worth the read...even if you have to do it on the sly. It doesn't mention JWs by name, but for the odd reason, if a JW sees that book in a doubter/fader/inactive person's hands, they automatically assume it's about them.
Good luck (yes, it's okay to say that) on your journey to freedom from slavery to the WT cult. I'm sure others here will be even more helpful.
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stuckinamovement
No I am fading, I resigned as an elder a year ago. I have honest conversations with my wife as to what my doubts and concerns are. She shares most of the dounts and concerns. I attend about 50% of the meetings and have stopped service. She doesn't like where we are at spiritually, but after the last few years of regular discussion she is now considering jumping ship also.
It is tempting to blow it all up some times. I have a lot of friends and family that are in. It would be traumatic to them and myself. No matter how you go it is tough.
SIAM
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Ding
Welcome!
I haven't been through this, but for what it's worth my advice is not to nag your wife or berate the WTS to her or she will defend it all the more.
Just love her for who she is.
Unconditional love and acceptance will surprise her.
It's the opposite of what she expects "apostates" to be and it's the opposite of what the WTS is like.
If you still trust the Bible (just not the organization), I would suggest studying it with her in context -- no WT or outside literature, just the Bible.
Try starting with Romans and Galatians.
Take turns summarizing the teachings of the paragraphs right after you read them.
Don't argue with her about interpretations.
When a JW actually studies the NT in context without WT literature, the differences between NT Christianity and WT legalism become apparent.
If you'd like to discuss this approach in more detail, feel free to PM me.
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Freeof1914
Thank you all. Excellent advice, I will definitely hold on making anynrash decisions. It just feels that at times all relationships in my life including wife and family were based solely on the religion. It is as if without that common thread there is almost nothing there. I dont know if that is just because everything is so fresh, but it as if now that I am outside looking in I can see how superficial relationships within the witness community really are.
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ziddina
Do you have any children????
Children change the equation tremendously, which was one of the reasons I decided not to have any....
I wasn't "born-in", but my knucklehead parents joined the JWs when I was only 5 - and my life went to hell in a handbasket from that point onwards....
I very reluctantly went along with the "home bible study" - well, HAD to, or my brutal father would hit, kick and slap me into submission.
I got married to a JW guy when I was 21 - a few years before "Armageddon" - er, "1975" - just to escape the vicious, hateful "Christian" parents...
I had decided against having kids when I was 12 years old, but that decision was especially reinforced by the JW marriage - I could see that I did NOT want to raise ANY children in either that MARRIAGE or the CULT.
Best decision I've ever made...
Because, when I got "out" - also at the age of 30, I had no CHILDREN to complicate the situation.
The existence of children complicates ANY escape - ESPECIALLY for the mother...
If you have no kids, and little in the way of material possessions, you might be able to get out with a minimum of time, effort and grief.
Best results to you!!
Zid
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stillstuckcruz
WELCOME! Love to see all the new people lurking and joining the site here. I'm sure you noticed this thread:
Very good thread. One of the things that bothers me is that even if you discuss your major doubts with your closest of family/friends....even if they can't refute ANY of it, they will not even consider it. I made the mistake of speaking to my brother about it too early, before I had the chance to REALLY develop a method(I could wipe the floor with him now...a little late though). I believe I pushed him even closer to it. I asked him if he knew what the "generation teaching" was. He didn't even know what that was, let alone all of the flip-flops related to it. He didn't even consider the possibilities and pushed him closer to something he barely knew about. My point is that no matter how much logic you present, if your family is as die-hard as you say, there not much you can do. Either you tell it all and be inevitably shunned....or stick with it at the expense of your genuine self. Here's my story if you are interested:
http://www.jehovahswitnessrecovery.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=11416
Wish you the best!!! We've all been there in one way or another :)