The gal I'm dating frequents match.com - advice?

by UnConfused 40 Replies latest social relationships

  • UnConfused
    UnConfused

    I am dating a gal that I met on Match.com - We saw each other first last summer, but she didn't think we were a 'match'. After the "pressure" was off we started hanging out quite a bit with all the benefits that go along with it. This went on for months.

    I became smitten with her, but we weren't a couple, which she pointed out a couple of times. I would go online to match.com to see if she was still "searching" and she was, but she wasn't dating anyone else per our discussions. (I don't have a subscription to match.com, but you can see if someone is online if you have a profile

    In Nov I mistook a message from her and thought she wanted to move on. To my surprise she not only didn't, but wanted to become a couple. She has never been married and is very guarded of her independence which suits me fine, but she didn't take her profile down off match.com. I would go on sporadically to see if she was 'looking' and she wasn't. And no, I wasn't 'looking' for a lack of a better term I was snooping.

    Recently she's online fairly frequently and of course the reason would be obvious. She's far too ethical to be cheating, but it bothers me that she is looking.

    My question to you, particularly the ladies, could this be innocent enough? Window shopping? Here is a quote from an article I found online...

    " In a city of perpetual upgraders, leaving one’s profile online well into a romance has become the equivalent of flirting at an after-work bar. “My boyfriend found my old date ad up and got mad,” says one grad student: “But, I mean, it’s like window shopping. It’s like SimSex.” Or “antiquing,” as Rachel, a music exec with a long-term boyfriend—and a very active Craigslist.org profile—puts it."

    Any thoughts to share? Sadly I very much like her and don't want to confront her, which embarrasses me.

    ~Confused & Hurt

  • Amelia Ashton
    Amelia Ashton

    Personally, if I was with some-one I would not still be looking if I was content.

  • PaintedToeNail
    PaintedToeNail

    Maybe you need to get your profile back on Match, if sees you are looking too, it may make her take stock of herself and your relationship. Or...it could kill your relationship.

  • I Want to Believe
    I Want to Believe

    Taking profiles down is a hassle. I still have a MySpace profile floating around somewhere, doesn't mean I ever check it. It's far easier to forget about old profile than go around deleting them all. And if you're that certain you will be together you're entire lives without dating anyone else ever again than why not just get married already? But you said she's not actively looking, so what's the problem?

  • Knowsnothing
    Knowsnothing

    Just confront her about it, albeit it in a nice manner? Don't demand anything from her, just ask her where she is coming from.

  • NomadSoul
    NomadSoul

    She's keeping her options open, you should too.

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    My knee jerk answer would be to say she's just not that into you but I really don't have enough info to really say that. I think you need to talk to her to clear the air and settle your mind. You won't really know til you ask.

  • UnConfused
    UnConfused

    @Mrs. Jones & Nomad - I think you are right, she's keeping her options open. It doesn't feel good as I'm all in.

    @Painted - you and I think along the same lines, but sadly I guess I want to delay killing the relationship.

    @Amelia - I know right.

    Even if it is just 'window shopping' it's indicative of something lacking for her.

    *sigh*

  • Sic Semper Tyrannis
    Sic Semper Tyrannis

    I wouldn't be surprised. You guys met on a dating site, and she almost immediately shot you down saying that you weren't a match. That says that she didn't feel a romantic spark or that you made some sort of bad first impression. She takes it further to remind you that you two aren't a couple. And eventually she says she wants to be a couple after all this time of rejecting you flat out. All the while she is still active on match.com throughout this entire period - dating and not dating. Here's my honest opinion, since you asked:

    She settled for you. She didn't find what she was looking for with you or anyone else on match, and finally got tired of being alone. There is still hope that she does find someone on match, hence the reason why she's still active. She chose you because you were the nicest (so far) of the bunch. Get your profile back up and find someone who actually wants to be with you and only you.

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    Oh, that's rough.

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