Soul Searching, need advice re: Physical Attraction

by Nice_Dream 24 Replies latest social relationships

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  Nice_Dream

  Thank you for all the wonderful advice everyone. I'm not in OZ, or NZ, but that is interesting I sound similar to someone you know WOZ.

  I guess another thing I question about our relationship, and have for the past 8 years, is that I don't feel we have an emotional connection. So that is something I need to figure out. He is a great guy and father, but I don't know anything about his feelings. But perhaps guys are just really closed off? He was more open when we were dating, and then seemed to have shut down as a person after that.

  We've been trying to work on things now, and perhaps I'm just bitter because I wanted to work on things 6 years ago and wonder why he wants to fix things now that I'm apathetic. An honest discussion is definitely due, I just worry about his reaction, so perhaps it would be better to tell him at the counselors.

  And thank you for the advice about attraction as well. I didn't sleep with that coworker, but I had never felt like that before and was confused.
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  Violia

  Sexual chemistry is not everything but it is very important. Your story is not all that unusual for jws as many marry their pioneer partners or marry early . That wild sexual electricity is important and you don't have to settle for not having it.

  I agree with talking to a therapist , perhaps by yourself first so you can discuss this. I would try and work it out with your mate but you only get one life and we aren't living forever in paradise. Jah won't be fixing us up with a perfect mate.

  Marriage without lust is just a friendship or financial partnership. Don't settle unless you feel you have no other choices. If you don't feel passion for your mate you may be surprised to find out they don't either. It is time to talk seriously.

  Once you have felt what passion feels like it is very difficult to settle for anything less and you don't have to.
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  TD

  My question: Does chemistry fade in time and it is better to be married to a friend? I feel like we don't really connect on an emotional level either.

  Marriages definitely go through phases, but the chemistry does not have to fade. The sex thing has a way of turning into a vicious little cycle over time. Generally, women need a good, healthty emotional connection to feel sexual. And generally men need a good, healthy physical relationship (i.e. sex) to connect emotionally.

  Neither is a matter of perception. Both are equally real and both are directly tied to brain chemistry and the hormones responsible for the feeling of being in love.

  When a disconnect develops, something has to give. Falling in love is easy. That's why it's so easy to develop an emotional connection to a virtual stranger. Staying in love for the long haul requires a little effort.

  New Chapter gave you some good advice. The best thing to do is to sit down and have a candid discussion. A good way to start is for both of you to simply state the things you like best about your marriage. Your respective lists won't be quite the same. The places where they differ are a good place to start working.
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  iCeltic

  Spot on TD, reminds me of what Billy Connolly said, woman need to feel loved to have sex, men need sex to feel loved. Not always true of course, I don't really think I feel that way but it does have a ring of truth to it.
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  Wizard of Oz

  bump
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  cyberjesus

  Physical Attraction is just a natural reaction to hormonal drive... In other words your body is asking for it.... Culture and society tells us is bad.... I dont believe in right or wrong. just actions and consequences.

  Your body wants sex.... your husband doesnt want sex? or he doesnt want it with you?

  Things to think about.

  Hope it gets better.... have you tried arousing him on purpose? Dont forget he also has hormones, you can play with those, unless he is ill there are things we can not avoid..
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  still thinking

  I believe the basis of a good relationship is communication...if you love each other and can really communicate...ie. sharing our feelings without blaming...everything else seems to fall into place.

  Human beings have different sex drives...when this is a miss match this can cause problems...but still, nothing that communication can't overcome. Unless of course someone has a sex drive that is over the top...but then...what is normal?...loving someone does not mean ignoring your feelings and needs, it just means taking the others feelings and needs into account, and finding something that works for both of you.

  Sure sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship, if it was, couples wouldn't stay together when someone has a medical problem that ends their sex life. But, for two healthy adults who have no physical problems, it can make you feel rejected if the one you love seems to have lost interest and you don't know why.

  The other thing that interferes with intamacy is stress....it has a killing effect sometimes...but again...stress can be relieved with communication.

  Sounds like councelling is a good place to start. Maybe you can ask him why now and not 6 years ago...he might have a valid reason.
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  SixofNine

  I find it humorous that people, strangers on the internet, don't want to acknowledge that you felt sexual attraction for a co-worker and that it is something you hadn't felt before.

  I don't want to pull a jameswoods here folks, but stay on topic!
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  still thinking

  So she felt sexual attraction...what is there to say about that? It is what it is. People are attracted to other people all the time and it doesn't effect their relationship. Attraction is normal. And attraction that is outside a marriage can be even more exciting in some cases because it is like the forbidden fruit...the grass is often greener isn't it?

  The point I got was that she wanted to know what to do about her marriage. And what was normal and acceptable in marriage...hell, with no prior relationship experience, the question was...what are other peoples relationships like?...are they like mine or am I expecting to much?

  I don't think she is expecting too much at all...I think she is entitled to honesty and so is he. If her husband really isn't interested in her in any way...whats the point? And maybe, the truth is she was NEVER really that interested in her husband but she is making the best of a bad situation.

  In the end only they can figure out if they really want to stay together and if they can work out their problems...or if there really isn't a relationship to save.
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  TD

  I find it humorous that people, strangers on the internet, don't want to acknowledge that you felt sexual attraction for a co-worker and that it is something you hadn't felt before.

  The rationalization hamster is pretty hard to miss here. The little rodent runs fastest in his wheel for twenty-something females and forty-something males. --Difficult stages in life for both genders.