To Attend or Not Attend JW Relative Funeral - Experiences You've Had ?

by flipper 30 Replies latest jw friends

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  flipper

  I was moved to put this thread out after talking to a board member here who was treated very disrespectfully from her JW family after her own husband died. My question isn't trying to pigeonhole anybody or I'm not saying there's a right OR wrong answer - the question is designed to just openly discuss the negatives and positives of going to a JW funeral or not, and the implications or ramifications for doing so or not.

  I believe it's definitely a personal decision based on different circumstances for each individual. For example : Let's say a person is an inactive JW and they were sexually abused or treated in other inhumane ways by still active JW relatives . I totally understand and respect someone's not going to be attending a JW relatives funeral. Or if a person was shunned severely by JW relatives , the pain is too great for many to sit there at a JW funeral and be shunned again and that sore to be opened again with salt poured into it.

  Some of us have some JW relatives who still may associate with us, although limited, yet some may associate even more with us ( like JW parents ) as opposed to our JW siblings. I know for myself I would attend my JW parents funerals, even my siblings just out of humane respect with nothing to do with the cult. It's a double edged kind of sword though. For instance it could end up being a " damned if you do, damned if you don't " kind of thing for many people. For example : Let's say I decided NOT to attend a JW relatives funeral - then it gives ammunition to the false ideas promoted by the WT society about how WE act after leaving the Witness organization. It enables or feeds my JW relatives cult ideas of " Oh look how evil Flipper has become since leaving the "truth " - he doesn't even care enough to come to our family funerals ! That's what happens when someone stops attending ! Tisk. Tisk. " So I don't want to empower their crazy false ideas about how WE become after exiting the Witnesses !

  Yet consider the other option : Let's say I attend a JW relatives funeral , then we are probably approached a hundred times being asked " when are you coming back to meetings ? " Or - " Don't you want to see your JW parents in the paradise ? " Or even still many people may shun us anyway due to not attending meetings over 8 years. But if you're like me I say " who cares how they treat me, I'm there for my deceased parents".

  So, there are many ways a person might be treated is all I'm trying to say. Personally I lean towards attending a JW relatives funeral as I feel solid enough within myself to deal with anything they throw at me. And I'm going to show them I have more class, respect, and humanity than a boatload of their own JW people. Mainly, I'm doing it for my relatives though. But I thought it was interesting to discuss the different approaches many of you have used or experiences you've had in these situations. I look forward to hearing your experiences ! Take care all, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
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  designs

  I gave a Eulogy for the husband of a JW that created a small fire-storm. Three judicial committees formed one by my own brother. Most of the JWs who did show up waited outside till after the Service was over and then would not speak to me. The JW Elder BIL who wanted a committee meeting held went to the podium and started a prayer (unannounced and stunned those who had been at the Service).

  Life is fun in JW Weirdland.
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  Broken Promises

  Good thread topic.

  In my experience, I attended my father's funeral a couple of years ago. Most of the congregation did now know me but they seemed to assume I was a Witness (!) even though I left more than a decade ago. I'm not da'd nor df'd so there were no problems there.

  The talk was a pain to sit through, but I attended the funeral simply out of respect for my father as I felt it was my duty to be there. There were a lot of family politics to deal with due to step-family, but we managed to get through it.

  I think if you keep the mentality that you are there to do a job (bury your parent or relative) and try to keep emotions re JWs out of it as far as possible. Reflect on the person's authentic personality and any happy memories you have of them. Try not to let other people's comments get to you. After all, you are the grieving family member. Ignore stupid comments and concentrate on getting through the day.

  Of course, there will be the natural grieving process to deal with and there's no right or wrong in that regard. Just allow yourself to grieve if you need to. If you don't think the JW funeral gave proper reference to your family member's life, then hold something seperate, even a personal memorial for yourself. Light a candle, lay some flowers at the grave if there's one, plant a tree, have a beer at their favourite pub. What I did, in agreement with my JW sister, was play a song from one of his favourite singers at the gravesite while his coffin was being lowered. It was our way of saying goodbye with a personal touch.

  Not everyone will have the same experience as I, because all of us are in different circumstances, but think of it as a funeral first, and a JW event second, and try your best to get through it.
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  TotallyADD

  Hi Flipper. This is a very hard subject for me. My mother is still alive and lives 1000 miles away from us. She was the reason we moved up north. The house she lives in was a gift from my wife and I. My father and mother never made any plans for retirement because they believed they would never grow old and die. After dad died her thinking got worse. She has always been a very mean and volient person all my life. But as she got older even more so. When dad was alive he could control her to a degree. But afterward she went on a mean streak that was unbelievable. And on top of all this the congregation we was in enable her in her hate. Most of it was focus on my wife. Telling people in the congregation she was going to her bank and stealing her money and having orgies in her living room. In the last 6 months we lived next to her she physcially attacked my wife and second time if it was not for the head rest in the front sit of the car she would have broken my wife's neck when she grap her hair and started pulling on it with all her body weight. When I confronted her before the elders on it she lied and said it did not happen. Also she kept accusing me of stealing dads 12 gauage gun. The one she gave to my son in front of 10 people after dad died. I later found out by her she wanted that gun to shot my wife. The thing to this day that makes me so mad is how the elders and people in the congregation believed her over me. Which at that time I was the PO of the congregation. I begged for help from them all they would tell me I had to deal with it alone it was none of their business yet at the same time many were taking her side. Though all my life I have seen her divide congregation and she was doing it again. Because my brother said he would take care of her and those in the congregation enabled her we felt it was time for us to leave. Which we did. My brother who at first believed her now sees that I was the one telling the truth. To this day it stills make me sick.

  Now you know the rest of the story. I would say no I would not go to her funeral. To many bad memories. I might listen on the phone. It was this experience that really open the door and my eyes on how bad this cult is. Totally ADD
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  Phizzy

  I have not decided 100% what to do, but this will arise in the very near future as I have some very close relatives who have been JW's for decades and they are elderly, some in their nineties.

  I discussed this with my wife the other day, and I said I was erring on the side of not attending the K.H, but going to the graveside only, even there some JW words and maybe a prayer will be said, but I think only those who really cared for the individual will be there, in the main.

  I do not think I could endure the K.H advertisement session, and as you rightly say, Flip, all the questions and comments that the JW's would say were to "encourage" but to my mind are heartless and thoughtless and downright rude at such a time.

  I do not think I will attend any after-party either , for the same reasons.
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  Giordano

  My rule of thumb is to attend if there are family survivors I've had a relationship with including the deceased. I don't want to ignor my responsibilies to family or a past friend If I was shunned then I would not attend. I'd go to the grave site after or come early to a viewing and pay my respects and then leave.

  There is no point in listening to the funeral talk it's never about the departed after the first five minutes. As soon as they start their BS I leave. There's really no comfort to be found among JW'S for a loved one.....just a sense of self satisfaction. They are totaly out of touch with reality in this type of situation.
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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  I attended a JW relative's funeral recently. I was nervous about it all, wondering what people would say. My long-faded sister had told me about a bad experience she'd had at a previous funeral, so I didn't know what to expect.

  In this case, the biggest surprise was that there were fewer JWs than I expected. So many of the old-timers have died or can't get out, it was different than it would have been a decade ago. More of the non-JW relatives and friends came than I expected. And there were plenty of us faded that came for the funeral and meal afterward. I think that made a big difference. That congregation has enough faders that JWs would see it as a pointless battle. Except for the JW infomercial and prayers, the event was surprisingly cult-free. I'm very glad that I went and got to visit with a lot of old friends.
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  blondie

  I have been out (not da'd or df'd) for 10 years. My jw family left a message on the phone about the family funerals. I chose not to go after 2 jws jumped my husband at one chastising him (while he was still an elder) for my lack of appearance. Like it was any of their business that I was extremely contagious. Now I realize that the dead person doesn't need my presence and the others, well, I can contact the ones who do. I'm sorry that anyone had to go through this crap in regard to a spouse. My husband and I have it in writing to have private funerals and have a friend that can and will see that unwelcome people are turned away. In my case, though alive, my jw family is dead to me. Love is more than genetics.

  Love, Blondie

  PS If you decide to go, take a supporting friend, a non-jw perhaps, someone the jws are less likely to show their true face to.
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  Finkelstein

  The last time I went to a JW funeral was my own mother's, which was an anomaly in itself.

  People hadn't seen me at a JW hall or a assembly for over 25 years, some thought I must have been DFed or something

  and because of this some JWS who did recognize me, avoided talking to me, which was kind of humorous in its own little way

  since I was never baptized or DA, just left on my own initiative. Although most who did recognize me did offer their condolences.

  I think it depends really just how much you thought of the person who died and what they meant to you in your life experience with them

  that matters the most. When making a decision upon should you attend or not attend a JWS funeral, one should weigh this into their decision making.

  As far as the other people attending JWS or not, should have little relevance in the matter, in my opinion.
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  ABibleStudent

  flipper - Yet consider the other option : Let's say I attend a JW relatives funeral , then we are probably approached a hundred times being asked " when are you coming back to meetings ? " Or - " Don't you want to see your JW parents in the paradise ? " Or even still many people may shun us anyway due to not attending meetings over 8 years. But if you're like me I say " who cares how they treat me, I'm there for my deceased parents".

  Hi flipper, I was wondering what would happen if a person responds to those inquiring JWs with their own questions, such as "Why should I come back to the meetings? Will I learn how to love other people unconditionally like Jesus Christ taught?" or "I miss my parents dearly. Where in the Bible does it say that I must be a JW to see my parents again?" To me any time is a good time to plant seeds of doubts in a JW.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert