To Attend or Not Attend JW Relative Funeral - Experiences You've Had ?

by flipper 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Dagney

  Oh gosh...where do I begin.

  I've been to a number of funerals since I left. One was by gf's mom who was like a mom to me, sat in first row between the two daughters. I attended my mother's of course, which was in a different state so I didn't have to deal with former friends. Then there is the relative of mine that designs did the talk for...you cannot even believe what happened there with both our JW families. Their poor behavior was witnessed by at least a 100+ people. The event turned out to be a beautiful ceremony, a celebration of my BIL's life with so many sharing fun stories...he got the memorial he and the family deserved in spite of the drama. I even wrote my JW relative a letter when I heard he had called designs an apostate. I quoted him scriptures about slander and things Jah hates, and told him if I ever hear one word of slander again I will take him to his elders, and if there is no action I will take him to WTBS HQ and not let up until it was dealt with.

  Last month, the husband of a really good friend past away. My "still" JW friend is very active in the congo and in RBC, and has always kept contact with me. Her husband was DF'd for 30 years I think, just barely reinstated the year before he passed. In my heart, out of respect for the husband, I wanted to go, because respect for people is oh so important to me now. I had to weigh that with going back to that congregation where I knew half the people and most of the BOE were my closest friends before I left, and I have a relative (servant) who goes to the hall. I decided not to go, and told the people who were inquiring whether I would attend just what I am saying here. That I felt it was important to go, but I didn't feel the people there would care if I went or not, or treat me with the same respect I give, the respect I deserve as a human being.

  My feeling, Mr Flipper, is to go with how you feel. With relatives you almost have to go. Your reputation is solid as a result of how you have handled things all along, I think most people will steer clear of you. If you are happy and confident, that tends to put a JW shield around you...lol. If I think being around the JW's are going to bring me down, I will not just avoid it. Life is too short, and they really don't care anyway.
• 

  flipper

  Thanks for all your great replies ! Been busy working the last few days, no time to respond. I'm bumping this up so more can comment, however I won't be able to respond until tomorrow afternoon. Have to go to work at 1:00A.M. tonight. Need some sleep. Take care and we'll chat tomorrow ! Peace out everyone. Mr. Flipper
• 

  flipper

  Thanks for all the great comments .

  FINKELSTEIN - I agree with you. I feel it's good to go to funerals out of respect for surviving family members to be a support to them if it's somebody you know well . I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. It's so disrespectful what that JW did to your friend at your mom's funeral trying to Witness to him. JW's are all about the " marketing tool " that funerals present as an opportunity to rub someone the wrong way. Incredible.

  SAMMIELEE 24- Wow , my dear friends - I'm so sorry you were treated so disgutingly at your husband's brothers funeral. It is so true that the WT society has taken away, actually stolen away ALL sense of decency and humanity in JW's personalities. I tip my hat to both of your courageous and classy demeanor you showed at that funeral. It would have been easy to just pop off and say " F---- everybody here ! " But then again that would only reinforce the JW mentality that those of us who left are allegedly " incorrigible bastards ". Which is not the truth, yet THAT is what they WANT to believe. So you guys proved them wrong. Good job. Say Hi ! to Sam for me and Mrs. Flipper ! We'll have to talk soon.

  NUGGET- I agree with you that a neutral, private ceremony or funeral is better at a neutral location in a small setting as JW's aren't able to be quite as wacked out in a small, controlled neutral environment as opposed to a Kingdom hall memorial, very good thought.

  LONG HAIR GAL- Very true what you say, " We cannot win with these people ". It really is a " damned if you do, damned if you don't " situation. You nailed it. JW's are going to complain about us no matter what we do, so as you say follow our own conscience and the hell with what they think ! LOL ! Very true about JW's thinking their opinion is so important, when the rest of the world could care less about what JW's think.

  ON THE WAY OUT- I agree funerals are for the living. I feel it's good to support close family as well, yet not be taken over by the JW rhetoric. That's interesting you've thought about AK Jeff doing your funeral . Do you know something we don't ? Hope you are feeling O.K. ! Don't try to get into the grave too soon my friend. We want you around for a long time !

  AQUAGIRL- I am so relieved that your aged mom is living with you now AND that she stopped attending meetings. I bet you feel like you've gained your REAL mother back ! Good for you and her. I'm so sorry you were treated so badly after your dad died , you and Sammielee were treated horribly. These people ARE autmon robots with no sympathy or REAL human emotions. It's been stolen from them by the WT society leaders. It's really a crime in which WT leaders should get prosecuted for. Hope things keep going well for you and mom and the JW's leave you guys alone.

  PANHANDLEGIRL- I think you and your brother are freaking awesome ! The way you handled your JW relatives by acting normal and not caving in to their shunning behavior and trying to escape from your presence was fantastic ! You make a really great point in that if non-Witnesses SEE these JW's acting rudely towards us at funerals it acts as kind of an anti-Witness in itself which is a good thing because it warns and opens people's eyes to the reality of how sick the behavior of Witnesses is at these events and elsewhere. Very well done. Kudos to you and your brother ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  flipper

  DAGNEY- I know you've had your share of funerals you've attended, and you have handled it well I feel as you handle everything else very well in your life also ! I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. I know I'll have to face that eventuality in the future and I'm not looking forward to it . But like you say if we handle ourselves with dignity and a quiet confidence I feel it will go pretty smoothly. So you were at that funeral Designs was talking about ? Wow. What a freak show . I was apalled at how they tried accusing him of apostasy ! Kudos to you for standing up on his behalf and calling a spade a spade. I really admire that. It takes courage to do so once JW's we knew are aware we don't attend anymore. Some will diss us, some may not even care like you say. I'm sure we'll do the right thing when the time comes. Thanks for the advice
• 

  ziddina

  "Telling people in the congregation she was going to her bank and stealing her money and having orgies in her living room. In the last 6 months we lived next to her she physcially attacked my wife and second time if it was not for the head rest in the front sit of the car she would have broken my wife's neck when she grap her hair and started pulling on it with all her body weight. When I confronted her before the elders on it she lied and said it did not happen. Also she kept accusing me of stealing dads 12 gauage gun. The one she gave to my son in front of 10 people after dad died. I later found out by her she wanted that gun to shot my wife. ..." Totally ADD, page 1

  Now, that is a woman whose funeral I would HAPPILY attend...

  The sooner, the better - and I'd be strongly tempted to speed the process along...

  This is what comes of having poorly-educated people in charge of other peoples' welfare. It sounds like the woman had some sort of psychosis to begin with, which has been exacerbated by ageing and possible onset of Alzheimers'...

  In an ideal society, that woman would have been locked up where she couldn't hurt anyone, a LONG time ago...
• 

  ziddina

  "When everyone finally left, my uncle's son (non jw) asked me "What's going on with you and my family?" I replied "They're just mad at me because I left the organization." He told me that he was glad he had never become a JW. After 20 years,he is now studying to become one! ..." Panhandle Girl, page 1

  Please, please tell me that he's changed his mind as a result of what he saw during that funeral...

  "I want to add that after the funeral, my mother's other brother (JW) pulled me aside and told me "When we enter a room, you are supposed to back off." I replied "Uncle, I have respect for us because you are my uncle, but I do not back off from anyone." He was livid, He told me "My son, a non jw, is here and he would not understand what's going on." I did not reply. I figured that was his problem, not mine. ..." Panhandle Girl, page 1 again

  Ahem...

  I would have replied, "I'm sure he'll figure out the total lack of "Christian" love, soon enough..."
• 

  flipper

  ZIDDINA- I agree with you that in a quote " normal " society a woman like Totally ADD's mom WOULD be put in an institution so she isn't a danger to other people , especially her own family. However like what's happened out here in California , we have Ronald Reagan to thank for passing laws years ago in the mid 1980's that closed down many mental institutions thus putting mentally ill folks out on the streets in a homeless condition where they'd endanger themselves AND the public population. Aren't politicians sweet folks ? Ick.

  I was astounded at the audacity of Pandhandlegirls uncle to request her and her brother to back off from other JW's. Like they're supposed to hONOR the boorishness and hateful attitudes ? That's BS. I thought Panhandle girl & her bro handled it well. I also would have added " Well Uncle, it will just show " worldly " people how hypocritical you JW's are, won't it ? " Then walk away leaving him to think about it. Jackasses
• 

  talesin

  I just returned from a funeral.

  This issue is one I decided long ago. Considering the abusive treatment I have had from all family who would attend, I have made the choice to be absent from my parents' funerals, if I survive them. We have discussed the issue (as they don't shun me, well, not quite). Over the many years, I have always been 'there' for mom and dad. When I was making bux, and they were having a rough go, I helped them out. When they needed something done (a trench in the back yard, repairing the farmhouse, etc.), my friends and I are always there for them if they wish. I call them, and visit whenever my health and their schedule permits.

  I have told them that I will show them love and respect always, but will not put myself through the pain of going to a JW 'service'. Their good friend and executrix of their estate, has assured me that she will call me, and arrange for me to see them 'when' something happens. She will also protect me from having to deal with my abusive sibling.

  xo

  tal
• 

  Reopened Mind

  Hello, the wife of TotallyADD checking in here.

  Thank you to ziddina and flipper for your comments concerning my MIL. When TotallyADD's dad was alive he was able to keep her under control much of the time. Being an elder helped. But when he died we were left to "handle" her as she lived next door to us. As TotallyAdd said the elders in the local congregation sided with her. I called the police when she attacked me. They told me I could press charges and if I did they would take her to jail. I did not think that would help her at all so I declined. They then suggested we go to the courthouse and file ex parte papers so she could be evaluated. So we did. She was taken involuntarily to the nearest facility and released the next day, finding nothing wrong with her. We were flabbergasted!!

  zid, you are right. My MIL does have a mental disease but because of cult induced fear of psychologists she would not get a proper diagnosis. Her doctor told TotallyADD she could not diagnose but was pretty sure the woman suffered from paranoid schizophrenia. I did find a mental health facility that would admit her but she would have to come in voluntarily. That just isn't going to happen.

  flipper, we, too, noticed the effects of the increase of homeless, helpless people when Reagan decreed that people should "pull themselves up by their bootstraps". It has gotten so bad that one city in FL passed a law making it illegal to panhandle inside the city limits.

  Would TotallyADD and I attend his mother's funeral? That's a question we still have to contend with as she is still alive. As of now we feel it would dredge up too many bad memories. There is no reason to honor her memory or face the ones in the congregation who turned against us even though at the time we were considered in good standing. I really don't know how they consider us now.

  flipper I'm sorry for hijacking your thread.

  Reopened Mind
• 

  flipper

  TALESIN- It sounds like you've planned things out pretty well in the event your parents pass on. You've been a great, loving daughter to them and have shown yourself to be very committed to their well being so indeed I understand why you wouldn't want or desire to put yourself around other anti-social JW's at a funeral. Much better to honor them in a way that is more meaningful to you personally. Good idea.

  REOPENED MIND- I understand how hard it was to go through dealing with your mother in law . I also respect any decisions you'd make not to attend her funeral. It's exceedingly difficult to honor anybody who was so abusive to us in our past. And we shouldn't feel ANY guilt for not attending their funerals. As I mentioned in my opening post- it'a a personal decision in which only we ourselves know and feel certain issues deep inside. No one should judge another for their decisions. I hope you and Totally ADD are doin' good in your new location and in your business . Take care, Peace out, Mr. Flipper