To Attend or Not Attend JW Relative Funeral - Experiences You've Had ?

by flipper 30 Replies latest jw friends

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  flipper

  Thanks for the great replies ! Lots to think about isn't there ? Just to clarify- I haven't lost any JW relatives in death, but like some of you stated I may be facing that in the next 5 - 10 years as both my JW parents are in their mid 80's.

  DESIGNS- Wow. That's totally messed up what you went through. Jeez. Here you were trying to show consideration for the JW lady who lost her non-Witness husband and you get climbed all over for it by self righteous fellow elders ! The old expression " no good deed goes unpunished " certainly applies here ! I admire your courage though !

  BROKEN PROMISES- I like your opinion and view to keep in mind that attending the funeral is attending to family business in supporting your relatives in showing emotional support without getting caught up in all the JW rhetoric and fiasco. Good view to have I feel. It takes some of the electrified emotion out of it. I'll have to remember that when I'm faced with this situation. I feel you handled it well. Then having a private remembrance of our own as you did- very good idea.

  TOTALLY ADD- I'm so sorry you and your wife experienced such horridly abusive behavior by your JW mom. Very sad and sickening. I'm glad you moved away from that situation and have a happier life in your new location. I totally understand why you wouldn't go to her funeral. Some things cannot be undone. Hang in there friend.

  PHIZZY- I hear what you're saying. It is so hard to tolerate the JW marketing session, er, funeral talk in the elders trying to put forth WT society information at funerals. As you said a quiet remembrance at a graveside would definitely be more preferable for some of us if not most of us. Dealing with JW's is so challenging.

  GIORDANO- My view is kind of like yours in that if it was a close friend who was a JW ( of which I have probably only one or two left ) or if it was a JW relative I'd go to show my support , but other than that I wouldn't attend. I agree that JWs are totally out of touch with reality in these situations. I know I'll get much more support from my non-Witness or inactive JW relatives.

  BILLY the EX=BETHELITE- I'm glad to hear that a lot of faders and inactive JW's were at your JW relative's funeral. It was a good " anti-Witness " essentially showing the hardline Witnesses that if you stop attending meetings you still are able to show sympathy and decent humane treatment to bereaved ones. I'm happy for you that it was not as nerve racking as you anticipated. I hope I can say as much when my parents pass away.

  BLONDIE- I'm glad to hear you and your husband have made it clear that you won't tolerate unwanted guests at your funerals. I'm sorry to hear you and your husband were treated so harshly and disrespectively. I agree that family is much more than genetics for sure ! It's a good suggestion on your part to bring a supportive non-Witness friend with us if we go to a JW funeral. Indeed JW's won't show their true colors as much because they're all about outward appearances.

  FINKELSTEIN- You bring out a very, very valid and good point I feel that whether to attend or not depends on " how much you thought of the person who died and what they meant to you in your life experience with them that matters most. "I totally agree. I have only 2 or 3 living JW friends ( non-family ) who I would attend their funeral right now. Some of my JW friends already died who I was close to over the years, not many non-family JW's I deal with if at all. Your point is well taken. I agree that wHICH JW's attend or not shouldn't influence us.

  ABIBLESTUDENT- A very good point you make that at a time of grief saying something to get JW's to think may be a very good idea. People are very vulnerable and a bit more open and not on guard and as you say it may be a good time to get JW's to think by asking pointed questions as you mentioned. It's certainly a good tactic to consider. Thanks for mentioning it
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  Finkelstein

  I'd just like to say that I do go to other people's funerals in other Churches from time to time, not so much for the religious experience but rather

  out of respect for the individual that passed away and as a show of support for the beavered family members.

  In relating to my mother's funeral service, the JW talk was mostly constructed to support the JWS doctrines which was kind of expected,

  what did annoy me though was when a dip shit JWS started preaching to a co-worker that came along because he had met my mother a few times.

  I guess he thought this was good time to preach since death was in the air so to speak and the JWS have something marketable.
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  sammielee24

  We would always attend. We may have issues with the society and the cult itself, but to me, it's a matter of respect. Many people have had horrific experiences in life but I tend to fall on the side of karmic energy - positive draws in positive and for the sake of a few hours of my life, I can put aside all my negative emotion and past haunts and make my own bit of peace with the situation.

  We had a horrible experience when a family member died. We drove thousands of miles to attend the JW funeral of my brother in law, in the family for 40 years, but we were also in the first few years of shunning. We arrived at the hall and it was packed full of people because this was a well respected Elder. The seas parted and everyone put up the invisible wall of shame around us - Sam put his hand out to shake that of one of the brothers who hadn't got the memo that said shunning was in force and right at the point of contact, heard that we were df'd - pulled in his hand, lowered his head and backed away. With the exception of the immediate family, not one person spoke to us and the family spent perhaps 5 minutes total standing near us saying nothing.

  My mother in law then handed me an envelope which I simply held for the next hour while waiting for the service to begin. Bear in mind that we were forbidden to speak with, call or visit anyone and were being completely shunned by every single person for years upon years. We had heard all the rumors and lies and stories that fly when anyone is df'ed, we knew we were being gossiped about, lied about and shunned - but despite all that pain, anger, humiliation and frustration, we still made the decision to go because it was important to us and we hoped it would bring some bit of solace to the family. (dumb thought but it was there) We sat through the service and I must say, it was not overly heavy on JW platitudes for the deceased and was not as preachy as it could have been.

  The service was over and as we stepped back outside the room, I opened the envelope and read the letter inside - or rather piece of paper. It simply informed us that we were not welcome to attend the gathering after and we were to stay away from my mother in laws home and not visit. It was written by my sister in law. It further told us to get in touch with worldly relatives because (my words) it would be a better idea for us to know them. (understand that we had no contact with those wordly relatives and hardly knew them because they weren't JW's). It was derogatory and rather disgusting to read.

  We were angry of course. We packed it in and drove back home. Nobody cared we were there but us - but we would do it again because we felt it was the right thing to do.

  What was even more pathetic, was that Sams ex-wife and adult kids were there and refused to be in the same air space as him. They actually hid in the hall at the very back behind some curtains while we were there so that they could keep their 'conscience' clear by proving they were so strong and dedicated to Jehovah that they could show everyone how easy it was to choose the Society over their own father/family. The disfellowshipping taint would apparently somehow swallow them up if they were to get too close.

  That's just one story of so many - in the end, we would go out of respect for the life that was and the life that is ours. Everybody is different. sammieswife
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  nugget

  very often it isn't a funeral as the deceased is not there it is generally a memorial service at the Kingdom hall with families having a private event at the crematorium. I would not attend such a memorial service since it isn't really for the deceased it is for the society. The deceased provides the excuse for the service but the society is the subject. For this reason I would see no need to pander to witness sensibilities and be in attendance. I do not feel that I would be dishonouring the person since I would remember them in my own way and what is important is to be available in life not present at death.

  I would attend a quiet family event at the crematorium even if witnesses were in attendance since that is a proper goodbye and an appropriate setting. Funeral Directors are able to arrange for private time for the family to say goodbye and I am confident that I can negotiate JW stupidity in this neutral setting.

  What I find cruel is the way Ex JWs are excluded from comfort and association after the funeral regardless of their relationship to the deceased. This is the most disgusting example of shunning and shows the depths of cruelty involved. In my family the majority of us are not witnesses and therefore it is the witnesses who would be excluding themselves not the other way around.
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  sammielee24

  I agree Nugget. The problem is when the entire family and by that I mean, grandparents, siblings, parents, children, friends etc are all Witnesses, if you are df'd, you generally only get an invite if they feel generous enough to let you know the person died. The family service would be no different in that if we are shunned at the service itself, there is no way we would be allowed at any smaller family gathering. People have to make their choices according to the limits the family is setting. For us, there was nothing other than this one event that we would even be allowed to attend and I think a person always holds out hope that after years of shunning, there might be some twitch of feeling from their family.

  It is a very cruel society and it creates a distance and lack of human feeling and involvement that is disturbing and feels almost pathological at times. We have to make decisions all the time on how to act or re-act with the JW family because on one hand, we recall the beautiful children they were, or the kind parent they appeared to be and then we have to reconcile it with the callousness with which they treat us now and the contempt and disgust they show when in our presence. We can recognize it is cult behavior but recognition and emotion are not always in sync with one another.

  sammies
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  LongHairGal

  Flipper:

  I guess there is no right or wrong in these instances except the sensibilities and feelings of the ex-JW who has to make the choice. As far as how the ex-JW is "viewed", it is a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. JWs will still talk about you no matter what. If you attend, the JWs would just ignore you (meanwhile, they would be staring when you weren't looking and checking out how you are dressed and gossip about it afterwards). If you DIDN'T attend, they would talk about you anyway. You cannot win with these people.

  As you mentioned, if somebody were the victim of abuse/shunning, etc. by still-active JWs who might be in attendance they might not want to attend. This depends, of course, on whether or not there were other relatives (non-JW) who might be there and don't understand the stupidity of the JW world and they might view it badly if the ex-JW did not go. They can always be moral support for the ex-JW. Personally, I would go for the sake of these relatives, assuming I get along with them.

  Remember, it is a public funeral home and anybody can attend. What if somebody were a work-mate of the deceased and nobody else there knew them? Of course they would go (naturally they would be oblivious to all the JW garbage).

  JWs are silly little people who imagine their opinions and feelings carry weight, meanwhile the rest of the world couldn't care less about them.
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  OnTheWayOut

  I will read the other response after I say my thoughts.

  Funerals are for the living. If I can comfort another person attending the funeral with my presence, then I will suck it up and go into a Kingdom Hall. I do not see a need to go as a means of showing "respect" to the deceased. I can do that in my own way somewhere else.
  
  If my JW mother were to pass away, I suppose it would matter if her unbelieving husband and my own wife would get negative treatment from my not attending my own mother's Kingdom Hall Memorial. If my own wife passed away, despite her family involvement in Watchtower, I would move the entire affair to a funeral home and have a non-JW deliver a real eulogy. I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to preach against Watchtower anymore than I would allow them to take over and preach their nonsense.

  I told a good ex-JW friend that I would go with him to his own mother's JW funeral if he decided to go. That is the real comfort to offer to the living. I would not be there to argue with anyone if I found myself at a Kingdom Hall.

  In the case of my own dying, I need to write up a basic eulogy and pass it on to another ex-JW with specific instructions for my wife not to allow any JW's to take over the matter (I am a faded JW). I was actually thinking of asking AK-Jeff to deliver the eulogy. While I am tempted, I still feel it should not be the soapbox to preach against Watchtower. These situations, in my opinion, are not the appropriate place and time to do that.
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  aquagirl

  Sammielee,what a horrible story.All too common,in the JW cult Im afraid.When I thought my mom was dying last winter,my mothers other daughter informed me that she was planning a "Little service" for mum,and I was not to come.Im thinking that the kingdom halls are tax free due to MY taxes paying for it,so I have every right to be there.BUt it all worked out well.My mom lives with me,has stopped going to meetng altogether and is getting better every day.Ill never forget the cruelty I was shown when my dad died.Small kitchen,My mum and I are at the table.The "brothers came in and surrounded her,herded her into the other room,I am weeping copiously and no on even LOOKED at me..I had just lost my DAD,and they all knew how tght he and I were.No one even LOOKED at me..They do not exist anymore,and I will pass up no opportunity to educate people about the hateful cult and sahre my story.HOrrible,hateful people.If there is a god,{which I doubt}I cannot imagine him or her approving of this sort of attitude.They are rotton to the core,and are getting worse as their "timeline to the end" becomes more and more and obvious facade.
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  panhandlegirl

  When my mother's brother (both JWs) died, my younger brother and I (both df'd) attended the funeral out of respect for them both. We first attended the viewing at the funeral home. The place was packed with both jw and non jw family members and worldly friends. Before going in, I told my brother that we were going to behave like normal people would behave. We went in and mingled among all those there. When I approached my uncle's wife and daugher (my uncle's wife is also my sister (they were not related,long story). She and her daugher in law (non jw) acceped my condolences graciously but her daugher just bowed her head so she did not have to speak to me, I ignored her. As my brother and I mingled and spoke to those who would speak to us, the jw's (mostly my family members) went into another connecting room which was full of people. When my brother and I walked into that room, they went back into the first room. We played "trading rooms" for a couple of hours. My brother and I behaved as though nothing was going on. It was so funny that they were letting us control what was happening. When everyone finally left, my uncle's son (non jw) asked me "What's going on with you and my family?" I replied "They're just mad at me because I left the organization." He told me that he was glad he had never become a JW. After 20 years,he is now studying to become one! I find that if you just act normal, like nothing out of the ordinary is happening, they lose their equlibrium. They do not want outsiders or other non jw family members to see how they are behaving towards those of us who are df'd. They know non jws would think they were acting crazy and not like the Christians they claim to be. As others have posted, I go to these funerals out of respect for the family member who has died and because it is the right thing thing to do in my view of things. But I refuse to be treated as an outsider on these occasions. I just act normal and let them sweat as they try and keep others from seeing how badly they are behaving. I know I have many more funerals that I will have to attend because I am part of such a large JW family. I will just play it by ear. Having a non JW family member or friend along for support is very important. I want to add that after the funeral, my mother's other brother (JW) pulled me aside and told me "When we enter a room, you are supposed to back off." I replied "Uncle, I have respect for us because you are my uncle, but I do not back off from anyone." He was livid, He told me "My son, a non jw, is here and he would not understand what's going on." I did not reply. I figured that was his problem, not mine.
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  panhandlegirl

  This is such an excellent subject to consider because it touches on one of the most emotional and traumatic events we face. As sammie points out, it is so awful when the majority of your family, on both sides, is in the organization. Your opportunites to share in anything are limited. You may or may not even know when a famliy member dies and you can also be assured that you will not be invited to part of the funeral that is not a public gathering that they cannot keep you from attending.

  What I find cruel is the way Ex JWs are excluded from comfort and association after the funeral regardless of their relationship to the deceased. This is the most disgusting example of shunning and shows the depths of cruelty involved. In my family the majority of us are not witnesses and therefore it is the witnesses who would be excluding themselves not the other way around.

  Nugget, i agree with you, JW'S are cruel. I cannot believe their lack of feeling towards their family members.