by jamesmahon 63 Replies latest social family
Hi James.. my apologies for misunderstanding that your wife's religious background is JW.
Does she have a religious background? If so that may help identify with some of her baggage. If not, sounds like a lot of her issues are from her childhood. There may be a lot of things about your wife's background that you do not know.
I don't think she cares to be married to you anymore. Her 5 love languages consist of bending down 4 fingers until only the 5th/middle one is showing.
You should definitely stop what you're doing and let her and you (and your kids as well) get on with life. One week with mum, one week with dad; stay close geographically and don't bring your kids into the adults war.EVER. Not overtly, and not covertly. In fact don't have a war if you can help it.
The kids will be much better off than they are now. They aren't stupid you know.
I am sorry also for your situation. My advice is get a divorce. I had 5 kids. Loved my hubby very much. But he didnt love me.(I was a JW he wasnt) I was saying to all my grandkids the other day."The reason why you have trouble with your kids is because your divorced all of you)" My daughter that is now out of the WT( the other one still in the rest are dead)Said " Oh yes MUM what a good thing to stay in a marriage your not happy in, We( kids) use to lay in bed & hear him hit you we were scared we would find you dead" That was a terrible thing to put us through." So I am saying I am sure your kids will feel the tension, get a divorce explain NO SEX!!!! I am sure any judge ,lawyer, will see your side of things
Mouthy
Mouthy, darling, I love your practical view of things. I think Christians get hung up sometimes with the very holy view of marriage in the New Testament. But when a marriage becomes abusive or neglectful, it is a sham - not anything like it could be. To continue to wallow in the mire and call it sacred is a slam on all things sacred.
Jamesmahon, I realize what is holding you back is fear over what you might lose as a father, and the intervening months of chaos that you know your wife is very capable of. All I can say is that by facing this fear and having a solid strategy, you can minimize the damage. (I suspect with your success in business, you are able of putting a good plan together).
Thanks everyone. I will have to balance what is best for everyone. I guess I never put myself into that picture and I have to start doing that.
Heaven. No - she has no religious background. I think she had it tough during her childhood but think the root of it is actually she is self absorbed. She has started volunteering and applying for evening classes (which I suggested to her for years). Early days but will see.
Mouthy. Thanks for the perspective. It feels like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. The relationship is not violent so it is a little different, although sometimes the arguments can be bad. It takes two to argue though and I am trying hard not to respond to her goading me. If that does not stop then I will be out of here as quick as I can.
Jgnat. Already planning. Already planning.
Really do appreciate all the time people have spent to comment on this thread. I will let you all know how things progress.
It looks like you've concluded this thread, but I hope you read this one last post. Since you've explained that she refuses marriage counseling and hasn't followed through with finding the right medication for her, I have a few more suggestions. Get legal advice, and start building a case for you to have full custody of the kids. Just because you're a man doesn't mean that you can't be the better parent. A good custody/divorce attorney should be able to guide you on how to prove just that. Better to build a case against her before you leave than wait until later. She may turn on the kids when she doesn't have you to kick around anymore.
Greetings, dear JM... and peace to you. I would not tell you what to do about your situatuion; that is your decision to make. I can tell you what your situation sounds like to ME, though, as you've presented it... and that is that your wife doesn't wish to be married to you... but wants you to end it... so that her conscience is "clean". I realize she's not a JW; however, JWs aren't the only ones who live in such dichotomies (where they "believe" in "till death do us part" but actually want out - how to reconcile that? Not all can.).
It sounds like that if you were having an affair, though, or went beserk on her for "having" one, or just got sick of her [shenanigens] enough to walk... welll, then, she's not responsible for the marriage ending, not technically. At least, not in her mind. As you've told it, here.
Because it seems... by her own words (as you've stated them here), among other things... that she really wants out... but doesn't want to be the one to make the move to end it, possibly because (1) she believes/knows either won't get as much/anything if she does (versus you ending it); or (2) she won't be able to reconcile her guilt over the marriage ending; (3) as well as won't be able to justify it to others/getting what she wants from you (Waahhhhh! "He left me; I didn't leave him/ask for a divorce!"), or (4) all three.
I mean, it sounds, if your story here is accurate (and there is always two sides, so...)... as if she wants to be taken care of... but has enough of a conscience to not ask you to take care of her if she doesn't want to be married to you but doesn't [feel she has] a "valid" reason to leave you. If she can get you to leave her, though...
Again, there are two sides. Could be you're a difficult man to be married to (no offense; they're out there, too).
Perhaps it's time to have a real... and calm... adult sit down and get to the bottom of the matter. You most probably should prepare yourself for how it might go (i.e., she may not love you - but it may not be something you need to take personally; you don't know, yet, and it happens. Probably more often than you realize). Maybe things aren't too far gone and counseling is a real option.
Bottom line, though, is that you two adults... have two, small, impressionable children. And it is them and their interests that MUST come first. Not you... or your interests... not by any means. Their feelings... and stable care... MUST be taken into consideration. Because they are the only two in this matter who had... and have... absolutely no choice or say so. They did not ask you two to bring them into this world - you decided that... and so now you have to handle yourselves accordingly. I am not chastising; I am only bringing out a point because you admit the two of you have been arguing. Takes two to do that, dear one.
So, no more fighting? Because there's reallly no benefit, no purpose, no point. No good when it's this kind. Rather, together with your wife, you should make a decision, the "best" decision... which is the one that is BEST for your children (which means you don't try to make what YOU want to become what's "best" for them - you only consider what is truly best for them. Which means you might have to talk with them, too).
And if your wife isn't mature enough to make such a decision... then you must make it. For your childrens' sake, not your own.
Again, peace to you!
A slave of Christ,
SA
I don't know if this helps...I grew up in this sort of household. I hated my mother for her behavior and lack of ethics. My dad tried to shield us from their conflicts but my mom kept making us aware of it. As a kid I fantasized about my parents splitting up and me living with my dad, at least part time, to at least spend part of my life around someone normal.
The fact that she refuses marriage counseling, to me, suggests she is unwilling to work on the relationship at all (confirmed by her own statements).
I am not sure how the law works but I am wondering--if you leave or build your own residence next door, won't that make you the deserter of the relationship and then more liable for alimony, etc.?
rebel8. Thanks - this is the sort of experience that helps make me to come to a decision. Any 'residence' in the garden would be classed as part of this house so hoping that would not be an issue. Will check that out legally before doing anything though.
I think that your take on your childhood that it was your mum's behaviour that was the problem is interesting. Aguests post made me really angry. I did not post wanting people to side with me, but littered through her posts are suggestions that this is at least partly my fault ("it takes two"). My wife is emotionally abusive. Full stop. I have acted as her punching bag for years. Case in point was the last few mornings. She has got up and just cold shouldered me for most of the day, snapped at me whenever I open my mouth and moaned about anything she could. I never bit back and just took it. Last night I said calmly that if this is going to work she has to at least treat me like a human being (or a work colleague). She acknowledged that she had behaved badly and said that she thought the situation was awful and none of it was directed at me. I said that it felt like it was directed at me and the way she behaved was her choice. I could only tell her how it made me feel. She then explodes and says that I was saying she was horrible all the time.
You know Aguest, when a woman is being physically abused by a man would you say: "Again, there are two sides. Could be you're a difficult woman to be married to (no offense; they're out there, too)"
She is not always awful - sometimes we get along fine. Just as is the case for most abusive relationships I guess. I try desperately not to argue but just as the woman who is beaten by her husband sometimes you fight back. And in just the same way as with physical abuse sometimes the injured party has to get out for their own sake as well as their children. I'm sorry, but your attitude just stinks of "well, all men are at heart selfish bastards really. She would not be behaving like this if only you were a better husband." Just to make it clear, this is some things I have done or do to try to make my wife's life easier:
I don't ever list these things to her as 'look at what I do for you' and I am not listing these things to say 'look at what a great guy I am' but rather I was just peed off with your suggestion I should be doing more. I'm also just saying that I try really hard to be the best husband and dad I can be.
I could earn a lot more money doing other stuff but always valued my family much higher than financial things. I am not saying I am great - we all have our problems that we want to work on and improve ourselves. But I thought that part of loving someone was about accepting their weaknesses and supporting them should they want to change. I am sure there are loads of dads out there that do exactly the same, put up with the same shit, then leave and society still sees the wife as the innocent party.
Rant over
James - your efforts are outstanding.
I can understand your distress at the idea that when a family splits up a dad's rights to be involved with his children taken second place to the mother.
If you do decide to split you need good legal advice from a family lawyer with experience in Scottish law.
