Thanks DG. Just out of interest - where do you live now?
Marital problems - advice (or support) please
by jamesmahon 63 Replies latest social family
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blindnomore
James, I believe your wife has been taking advantage of you. You deserve so much better. It sounds like she has already made decision for you and your family. What I can gather from the information you have provided, your wife is no longer sexually, emotionally attracted to you. That's the bottom line. All other stuffs are irrelevant.
A poster said your children have right to be their mother not stepmother. I am confused by this comment. Your children need balanced, unselfish parent who put their welfare before his/her own. I believe you are better parent to your children. Seek full custody for your children's sake. You do not leave home under any circumstances(She probably don't mind leaving once she found someone to run off with her) Do not give up your right. It is your home too. You didn't do anything to deserve to lose your home and your children.
It's not easy. I was there in your shoes many years ago. I tried everything not to divorce for the sake of my children. It devasted me. Turned out to be though, that was the best thing I did for my children. It's too bad your current marriage isn't working out but you do have a whole life ahead of you.
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AGuest
So let me get this straight Aguest. It was all your husband's fault then?
Actually, yes, it was, dear JM (peace to you!). We owned a very successful janitoral company, too successful, unfortunately. We did a really good job and so we obtained a lot of accounts. GOOD acccounts (we had all of the U-Hauls from Stockton to Redding to Vallejo to Carson City, as well as all of the Circle K's, 7-11s, and Arco/BP stations in the Greater Sacramento area). Unfortunately, my ex didn't know when to turn down a new account... our staff couldn't keep up... and so he "needed" something to "stay awake." He started with coffee and No-Doz, moved up to ephedrine... and then one of his accounts told him about "crank". I had no idea. I thought the behavior "changes" and mood swings were because he was working so hard (he was!). I later figured out that our "arguments" really weren't based on anything (I could never figure out what I done "wrong" - he would create them so that he had reason to storm out of the house... to get high). It took me about 4 years to find out what was really going on (accidentally, from the wife of one of his "get high" friends). I spent close to $15k sending him to rehab three times and another $5k going to family counseling (before the kids and I found out about the drugs).
It culminated when, during a "crash" episode, since I had finally figured out what the basis of our "arguments" really was... and so refused to argue with him this day ("Go, please, just go. I don't care, just leave ME alone!) because I was very sick... that he turned on our son, age 16 at the time... and tried to draw him into the madness. Since he couldn't use me to create a "reason" to go get high he tried to use our son. When I watched my son fall apart, crying "Dad, why are you DOING this to me? I don't want to fight you!"... I knew it was over. It had to be over... for my son's sake. My ex was no longer a good example for our son... and he had run out of chances from all of us. We tried... it didn't make a difference. So, I chose my son.
Interesting that.
Sad is actually the word that comes to my mind. VERY sad. He realized it about 2 years later when he called to speak to our son who refused to speak to him. He wanted me to "make" him get on the phone. I said, no, I wouldn't make him, that if he wanted to talk to his dad he would have to make that decision. My son did not talk to his dad then... and hasn't since. He is now 30 years old.
Well, guess we only have your word. Sure if we spoke to him we would find there would be two sides.
Given my last conversation with him, I think he would corroborate what I've shared. Even so, you would have to get to get his side from him... because he's doing time for aggravated assault in Texas prison. After we broke up (and before our divorce was final) he moved to Texas and "married" a woman he met in rehab there. Apparently, it still didn't work: he apparently lost everything there, too, and then tried to rob someone for drug money. SOOOOooooo....
There are a couple people on this Board who could corroborate, though, as they were there "in the end." They were great friends with him... didn't believe he was being the jerk he was... until they, too, saw what waa going on. One who posts here had to travel over 400 miles to come take me to the doctor (because he wouldn't - too far gone by that time), as I told you that by the end I was too sick to argue with him.
Maybe you were not the wife you could or should have been?
Maybe, dear one. I did work a full-time job while helping him run/do the janitorial company, as well as raised two kids and cared for a home. But you may be right - there was probably more I could have done, although I don't know what. Even so, I was (and am) a GREAT mom... and a damn good JW.
Aguest, we have had a couple of run ins.
Have we? I truly did not know that. I didn't even consider this a "run-in." You asked for advice... or support. I gave you support first, then advice, but kept both "real." You took offense because, well, you know your story. I/we don't, however, and I think it's pretty... wrong... for you to expect us to arbitrarily take your side without hearing hers. I told you what it "sounds" like, from your POV. And then I stated that there is always two sides. My ex's side would be that he hated being a JW and I "made" him be one. Melarkey. His head got "big" because of the big deal the Witnesses made over him. Again... he was a bit of a "god" to them. He LOVED that... and ate it up... all the while hating them.
Many people here think you are great and I am sure you are a lovely person and mean well. But sometimes you should know when to just not post because accusing someone you don't know who is feeling isolated and just looking for some support of being a liar is just so low I don't know how you sleep at night.
I sleep knowing that I shared the truth. Do I realize that not everyone can handle the truth? I do. I assumed that you, an adult, wanted an adult response to your post, that rather than taking offense you might come back and response to the effect that, "Yeah, there is always two sides, but I'm speaking the truth, here. I'm sure she'd say smething different but I really have no reason to just talk bad about her to you folks." You know, rather that take immediate offense and think someone was "picking" on you. I assumed wrong. My apologies for that.
Because I have so much incentive to lie haven't I because I am such an attention whore on this board.
Ummmmm... that never crossed my mind. I never said you were lying; I have no idea. I do find it... interesting... that you need others to confirm that you are "right" in this. It doesn't matter to me if you are or are not. I just didn't feel "right" taking your word for what you're going through without mentioning that we haven't heard from her... and probably never will. I don't THINK it's you... based on what you posted... but you could very well be a part of the problem. Who here knows?
Or maybe I beat her and am just trying to leave a trail should I finish her off to prove how awful she has been.
Well, I mean, I don't get that impression about you, but only you would know.
Or you know what, maybe you should just accept that I am telling the truth.
I didn't do any different, dear one. Please, go back and read what I posted, perhaps without your... ummmmm... "offensive" hat on.
How did you feel when nobody believed you?
I didn't particularly like it, but I knew that most of them liked him more than they liked me... and why: very tall, very good-looking, very charismatic (i.e., very good at BS'ing folks, which didn't really require a lot because they were mesmerized by his looks, etc.), very formidable black man. Sort of a given...
You say 'peace' out of one side of your mouth whilst saying 'you lieing bastard' out of the other.
No, dear JM... I did not call you a lying bastard, not at all. Not even close and my sincere apologies if that's how I sounded. Again, I was keeping it real - we don't have her side and you didn't indicate that there were extenuating circumstances (i.e., physical abuse, drugs, crime, child abuse, etc.). Rather, you indicated a typical scenario where a marriage is falling apart because two people have grown apart for whatever reason. In those cases, again, there is always two sides to the story.
Perhaps if you had included her "side". To the extent you know it.
Again, peace (and I do mean that) to you!
A slave of Christ,
SA
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mrsjones5
Shelby
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dreamgolfer
Back in the GOOD OLD USA - it our anniversary tomorrow!!! Freedom from the Brits!!!
I have a great Story about seeing Braveheart at a Movie Theater in Dublin the weekend it came out. It was awesome!
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Chariklo
She sounds a bit ill to me, James. I agree with jgnat and milola, and everyone else who has said the same thing.
Staying in such a marriage isn't good for any of you.
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jamesmahon
mean, it sounds, if your story here is accurate (and there is always two sides, so...)... as if she wants to be taken care of...
This is not accusing me of lying? Not directly of course. But that is how I read it.
I say to you again, would you say this to a woman who had described my relationship with my wife in the same way as their relationship with their husband?
You say there are always two sides and then say
So let me get this straight Aguest. It was all your husband's fault then?
Actually, yes, it was, dear JM (peace to you!).
So not two sides for you then. No - there are not always two sides. Sometimes and maybe for reasons that are explainable and understandable, it is entirely one persons' fault when a relationship turns toxic.
Again, there are two sides. Could be you're a difficult man to be married to (no offense; they're out there, too).
Yeah, because I am real bastard that has not spent years trying to make other people happy. Counsellor said today maybe I have been an enabler of her behaviour. Now this would have been a fair comment to make. Instead you suggest that what I should do is to consider whether I am difficult to be married to? Because that of course would completely excuse her behaviour as I described it.
When I cut through what you have written, there is good advice in there. You could have just said 'sorry, that was not what I meant and it did not come across as well as it could of. This is what I meant'. Instead I get a load of patronising self-justification.
By the way, I sympathise with your story. Because I know what living with a narcissist is like - although on a different part of that spectrum.
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Qcmbr
Life is too short to invest oneself in failing enterprises or to hand over control of our destiny to others in a state of analysis paralysis. Move on. Imo.
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jamesmahon
analysis paralysis
I like that phrase. I can over analyse things sometimes but have, in the end, always taken decisions. This is the hardest one I have ever had to make. Ultimately whatever decision I make I will make it the right one.
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00DAD
I stayed in a loveless, celibate marriage for 10 years for the sake of the kids. My ex absolutely refused to go to a marriage counselor.
It's a recipe for disaster. On day I met someone that was attentive and loving to me. You can guess what happened. I'm now married to her: the loving, attentive one.
Get counseling or get out.
Life's too short to stay with someone that is miserable and refuses to do anything to get better.