by 00DAD 69 Replies latest jw experiences
(((00DAD)))
I'm sorry to hear that, man. Don't give up. I didn't wake up until I was 27. I'm sure the prospect of waiting for him for 6 years or more is depressing but there is still hope! Just keep showing him unconditional love. You know he isn't getting it from the congregation!
00DAD, that's a cyber hug. Just noticed your post to SophieG.
SophieG, thanks. I needed that!
DPL, thanks for the cyber-translation. I needed that too!
I really appreciate your encouragmente to not give up. I have some questions for you. I hope you don't mind sharing!
You said you didn't wake up until you were 27.
You're right, the prospect of waiting 6 years or more for him to wake up is depressing, but the encouragement from you and others here helps me maintain my hope!
I will continue to keep showing him unconditional love as much as possible under the circumstances. Of course he isn't getting it from the congregation! It is now clear to me that THIS is another reason for the shunning policy being applied in the extreme the way it is.
They don't want those still in to see the difference between what REAL, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE looks and feels like in contrast to the fake, conditional affection from the congregation. It can stand the comparison!
00DAD
I am so sorry 00SAD. I agree with wannabefree and others. Your son is only showing you his love the best way he knows (even though it's twisted). If I was in his situation few years ago I would probably do the same, the way I was. People change. I hope your son does too. He is missing out, but don’t give up on him.
00Dad, My heart goes out to you. Having a beloved child shun you is so painful and cruel. I don't know the circumstances of your divorce with their mother but the thought occured to me that your boys might be feeling protective toward her. They may be embracing her religion to try to show love and support if they think you "wronged" her. Just having their father leave the house is enough to make some kids angry enough to want to strike back so to speak.
My son was 17 when his father and I divorced. He wanted to take on the role of "man of the house" often encouraged by others at the KH. He was angry at his father for what he saw as abandonment. He was a true source of comfort for me at this difficult time and I must admit I drew comfort from my sons "loyality" toward me.
Your ex is undoubtedly delighted at your sons loyality toward her and the WTS. Besides thinking that they will gain Gods approval, therefore eternal life, it is a form of "winning". Winning the divorce war. No matter how much she may dispise you now, she lost much. She lost her family, her provider, her partner, her confidant etc. etc. When her sons pick her company over yours, her religion over yours, she gets the validation she desperately wants and needs. However, things can change. They did in my case. What drove my son right back into the waiting arms of his father? (who was also DFed) Was it a change of heart about the WTS? Religion? Absolutely not!
It was the fact that I found ANOTHER man to love who loved me and married me. Another rooster in the barnyard! Now, in his eyes, I didn't NEED his loyality and protection anymore. Even though he HATED the idea of me being with a new man, he felt free to see his fathers side of things. He and his sister moved in with their father the minute we returned from our honeymoon!
The best possible thing for your relationship with your sons to resume would be for your ex to move on and remarry. To need them less in their eyes. Do you know anyone who you could fix her up with???
I was born in, 00DAD. Like many here, there were several small pieces that came together to bring me out of my mentally captive state. It was a combination between college education, positive examples of nonJW friends, and illogical doctrine that never quite set right with me. All of it came to a head when I found out I was going to be a father and would need to teach that bullshit to my kids.
I did have contact with nonJW family members while still in, but they were honestly of no help until after I had already quit going. I never felt comfortable confiding in them since we had always had such a dysfunctional relationship.
My biggest help came from a coworker and a friend who left slightly before I did. It was purely coincidental that we both left, but it has been great to have him to confide in. There have also been a few members of this forum that I have been in contact with privately that were a huge help.
I would suggest that you physcially go to your son's house, if you think you can muster up the nerve to get rejected. Forcing him to recognize that it is a real living person, his own loving father, that he is rejecting would have deep emotional impact on him. It's possible that it will make him angry, but it could create just the right amount of congnative dissonance in him to crack his armour.
No advice from me oodad..just a cyber hug...
00DAD - I'm so sad to read your OP. I think it must It must be much worse to be shunned by your child than by a parent.
There are many examples in this forum of peopole whose children woke up eventually - never lose hope; you did the right thing today.
What I AM doing is acting as if we are now past that and ready to move on to the next stage, but always remaining cognizant that I am taking a lead that they are not ready to follow. It's a theory.
Nevertheless, I also realize that in anything I do there is the implicit criticism of WT policies by the very fact that I am basically ignoring their mandate to not contact my own sons. Still, I believe turning-up the volume periodically on the Cognitive Dissonance is important to do. That is my plan: push a little, back-off. Push a little, back-off. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I agree with your approach. Although preaching to them won't help until they are ready for it, they do need to realise that you do not believe it. That way they may come to realise that you did what you had to do, rather than just being weak, as the Watchtower would have them believe.
I don't know if you remember . . .
I most certainly do.
