I'm a stepmom to a little JW.... need advice...

by LKM 35 Replies latest jw friends

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  LKM

  Hi,

  I am a new stepmom to an 8 year old boy whose mother is a JW pioneer. My husband has been disfellowshipped for 2.5 years now. I was part of the reason he left the organization for good, although he had stopped believing long before being kicked out.

  My husband and I do not want our son to be coerced into being a JW, but his mother is sooo hard core in her beliefs. The first time I met her she handed me magazines and talked about me going to meetings with her. She wants to convert me so that I'll pressure my husband into coming back. And then her son's place in Paradise will be more secure. She is totally brainwashed.

  Anyway, all 3 of us are trying to do what's best for the child and to provide him with as much love as possible. Her hold on her child is great. Often the boy will do something creative when he's with us (we have him 50% of the time) and then he'll go to his mom's house. When he comes back he feels guilty for whatever activities he did with us.. We even tried to sign him up for soccer and his mother went ape#$&@. She doesn't want us to read him books like C.S. Lewis's the Chronicles of Narnia. She doesn't want us to do anything for holidays....and so on and so forth.

  We don't want to go to war with her headon b/c we feel like it would be bad for our boy. But on the other hand we want to steer him away from JWism as much as possible.

  Any advice on how to do this would be much appreciated. I am just learning everything as I have always been "wordly." :)

  Thanks!
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  LostGeneration

  Yikes thats tough on the little guy.

  Anyway, you are right about going to war. That will do nothing except cause her to become more entrenched in her beliefs. In fact, most JWs have a "persecution complex" so you feed that if you fight her.

  Its hard to do with someone as young as 8, but it would be good to try to explain that there are many, many, many belief systems out there, and being a JW is just one of them. Try to help him understand that there are billions and billions of people who don't believe in Jehovah, or even Jesus, and they all have different ideas about God, and they are all entitled to believe what they want. And he is also ENTITLED to grow up and decide for himself what to believe.

  Its not too tough for kids to choose FUN over boring FS and meetings, what they need help with is being supported for those choices and not letting the active JW guilt them into a life of cult activity.
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  LKM

  Thanks Lost Gen! That's good advice. I have already mentioned to him that there are many belief systems.. i never say anything outright against the JW's. I am hoping that us demonstrating a loving non-JW family will also help.
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  jgnat

  Instead of steering him away from JW's, concentrate on steering him towards self-empowerment. That should keep the ex calmer (unless she catches on).

  Teach your child to think.

  Get ahold of Steve Hassan's books and pay particular attention on how to encourage the natural person to have prominence, while keeping the cultic personality calm.

  While he is with you empower him to make his own decisons, while not allowing him to play one set of parents against the other.

  Work with him to come up with a list of activities he is comfortable with.

  Whatever the cost, don't let him become a bouncing ball between warring parents. This may mean conceding on small things, as long as that is what he wants too. At eight years old, he wants to please his parents.

  Sucks to be him.
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  J. Hofer

  you do what you think is best for your child. don't let anyone interfere with how you want to bring him up. she has all the right to try to indoctrinate him into her religion and you got the same right bringing him up in your religion or non-religion. the problem is, she'll be talking bad about you all the time and you don't want to do the same, it's not healthy. football team would definately be a good thing, as he'll have much contact to normal people there. celebrating birthdays etc. is good too, if he one day refuses to join in because of some guilt trip, ask a lot of whys and don't accept a "it makes jehovah sad" answer.

  it's hard to keep the balance, having one parent say the completely opposite of the other isn't really good for a child, but it's her fault really, actually not even hers but the organization's. anyway, even if he'd grew up in a 100% JW household, there's a >60% chance he'd leave that religion. offering him a normal life and not being judgemental while still talking about serious topics, showing the flaws of the watchtower in a subliminal way, will give you good odds. i hope.
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  Kojack57

  Lkm: It's too bad the young man has to be subjected to cult fanatics, but the fact remains that you have him 50% of the time and the the brainwashed j-dub the other 50%. The way I see it is it's fair game. Let him have fun and make it interesting for him. Celebrate Christmas, birthdays, thanksgivings, and every other holiday that comes up. If the j-dub mother doesn't like it TOUGH LUCK. I'm an ex- elder and my daughter is married to a non witness and my 7 year old grandson hates the kingdom hall. Thank god for that. My son in law takes him to baptist church with him on Sundays and they dress casual, and sometimes he has to go with his mother and he hates dressing up in a monkey suit in his words.

  My son in law promised me he will NEVER become a witness and I know he will keep his word, because he also knows the truth about the truth. So hang in there and don't give in to pressure from her.

  Kojack
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  NewChapter

  It's a tough spot to be in, especially if she is giving the child guilt trips.

  I can speak from the perspective of having been a JW mom that was divorced.

  I realized, immediately, that I could not dictate what my ex did with my child in the way of religion. I could not prevent him from celebrating holidays, birthdays etc. I couldn't dictate what she read or watched with him, and in fact, I never censored her at my home either.

  So I had a decision to make. Dig my heels in and make my daughter feel like crap, or compromise. I chose compromise. The courts said we had to divide the holidays. My first impulse was, GOOD! But then I realized I was just being crappy about it, and it was not going to prevent her from celebrating anyway. So I went to my ex and offered him ALL of the holidays as long as he would allow me ALL of the conventions/assemblies/ memorials--even if those should fall on a holiday or an off day. He agreed, and it worked out pretty good. He still had her for the majority of the holidays.

  Then I realized that I would be shut out of some pretty important stuff happening in my daughter's life if I drew a hard line. I didn't have to celebrate Christmas to allow her to express herself. I didn't have to be mean about it. I would call her on Christmas and ask, "So, did you get the LOOT?" She would laugh and tell me in detail all the gifts she got. Then she would tell me all her plans for the day. And I stood firm with my reasoning, which was:

  "Honey, you know I think these things displease Jehovah, or I would do them. But you have to make your own choices from your own heart, and I have to make mine. You are the one that will have to live with those choices, so I can't force mine on you. But you know how I view it and you know how your father views it, and that won't ever change. Still, the choice is always YOURS."

  That doesn't really give you any advice. It's only my personal child custody story. Perhaps you can take this and let it help you to make 'suggestions' for another way for the mother to handle this. But above all, you read what you want with that child, you celebrate what you want, and you leave the choice to HIM and try to counter any guilt.

  I'm happy to say my daughter never took to that religion, and so today, she is not pressured to shun me or turn me in.
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  whathappened

  You are already on the right track. Be loving and supportive. Allow him to express his own self. This will show him the difference between you and his father and his JW family. He will see how restrictive and controlling they are. The odds are in your favor as of right now, only 1 in 3 people stay in the organisation. Have fun and enjoy raising him. Time and your loving care will take care of this situation.
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  Tylinbrando

  Study the Watchtower's publications with the child.

  Everything he needs to know to scare the heck out of him and make him run far away is there. Mom will have a hard time telling him, "Oh thats just what your dad or stepmom is telling you" Once my three children learned without a doubt that all their teachers and classmates and most of their relatives were going to be destroyed in horrific manner by Jehovah God at Armaggeddon according to JW teachings, they each began to internally withdraw from the weekly brainwashing at the meetings. This is just one of many examples of teaching points you could use. As they get older speak to them of JW teachings and in turn the fallicies of such that their mental capacity can deal with.

  A word of caution. Kids want to please both parents. If they feel manipulated by either parent to alienate the other parent it becomes extremely conflicting for them and they may revel against both.By teaching and showing them about "unconditional" love and by giving them education rather that "telling" them, it will allow them to develope their own thinking paterns and it will in turn allow them to assert themselves and their personal beliefs even to a parent that can be as controlling, alienating, manipulative, cohersive, brow-beating and brainwashing as a JW parent.

  Finally, remember to stand up for something in their behalf and never become complacent in balancing out the assertive brainwashing techniques from the JW mother. Of some comfort, regardless of your efforts in this whole issue, statistics show your little JW will probably not stay JW. Hopefully you can give him solid reasons not to and solid reasons to do so much more with his precious life.
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  ziddina

  Here's a suggestion...

  Get the little fellow interested in science.

  My preference was earth sciences - geology, volcanology, paleontology, and also archaeology though it's not an 'earth' science.

  But starting out with a solid knowledge of geology and volcanoes enabled me to spot the glaring error at Exodus 19:16-19...

  At the age of 7 - 8, I realised that the religion - and the bible - weren't for me. Unfortunately I was physically and psychologically intimidated into the cult by BOTH parents, causing me to delay my escape until I was around 30 years old.

  If you can get him interested in science, that may work well as a means to keep his eyes open to reality - and may help him resist his mother's efforts to pressure him into the cult.

  [edited] Not to mention - hopefully it will prompt him to obtain a decent college education [against the insinuations and pulpit-thundering of the Watchtower Society] so that he can be gainfully employed when he grows up.

  Zid