I'm a stepmom to a little JW.... need advice...

by LKM 35 Replies latest jw friends

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  steve2

  There can be few things more anxiety-provoking for a child than to go from one parent to the other and get clear messages from either parent about how "bad" the other parent's influence is. Without intending to, both parents could fall into the trap of well-intentioned "warnings" about the other. Talk about a recipe for developing anxiety disorders. Poor kid.

  Some relevant questions: What was your husband disfellowshipped for? Many JWs view disfellowshipping for apostasy to be the worst category, virtually demonizing the ex-JW. If it wasn't for apostasy, the situation's a bit more hopeful.

  Also, keep in mind that the majority of kids raised in the religion - even when both parents are JWs and together - eventually drift away from the religion. If you come across as too overtly anti-JW, you could unintentionally give the child an incentive to try to be especially good for his mother.

  Try to avoid the "urgency" mentality that informs a lot of JW thinking and tactics. If you also believe the world is on the verge of ending, it will color the way you respond to the child. If however you recognize that the end is not going to come, you don't need to become overly anxious about what the religion is doing to the child. The worst mistake would be to try to match his mother's zeal with yours.
• 

  AudeSapere

  I like this thread. Welcome LKM!

  All valid points here. One thing to add may be: Expose him to a very wide variety of activities and locations. If you chose to acquiesce to his mother's team football ban, play it just the 3 of you in the park. Take dance lessons (from video??) and practice in the living room. Sing. Play/make music. Go for walks and hikes - without stopping to preach to everyone you see! Have neighbors over. Plant a little garden. Learn to play backgammon or chess. [Although the mom may object to chess. The WTS has had problems with it in the past. But give it a try anyway.]

  In contrast, his JW community will likely only have 2 or 3 activites to do with him: Meetings, FieldService, DonutStop. Social activities will probably only happen 2-4 times per year.

  The main thing is that by exposing him to an increasingly WIDE variety of activities (both mind and body), people (all ages - just like at the KingdomHall; AND seek out friends from school his own age), and belief systems, you will help prepare him to make his own decisions as he grows older - whether in or out of the JW 'cult'.

  Looking forward to future posts from you.

  -Aude Sapere (meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to Have Wisdom/Understanding; Dare to Think for Yourself)
• 

  nugget

  It is dificult because JWs have difficulty compromising and if your husband's ex has the hope of him returning to the congregation she will see any deviation from JW approved lifestyle as an obstacle to this goal. She is policing both her son and her ex in this regard.

  There is a lot of guilt involved in being a JW and children feel it as much as anyone else. There is a danger that your step son will be caught in the middle so it is essential that there are ground rules and he knows that this is something the adults have agreed and they have taken responsibility for.

  What he does with his father is his father's responsibility and what he does with his mother is her responsibility. She may not approve of everything he does when he is with you but providing the child is well cared for she cannot complain and cannot place unfair restrictions. Your ex needs to talk to her honestly and highlight that he also wants what is in the best interests of their child. Their theology may differ and what they feel is appropriate may differ but she cannot control his schedule when he is with you. If your step son enjoys football and wants to participate then he should be allowed to. At 8 he isn't likely to be exposed to the locker room talk JWs are concerned about and little leagues are all about character building and teamwork.
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  mamochan13

  Just a thought - if the ex thinks your husband MAY come back, she will enlist the little guy to help and convince him that if he goes along with JWs it will be a good thing for his father - compounding the guilt he is already feeling. It's important that your husband take a firm stand and make it clear that returning is not an option.

  Something I did with my grandchildren to counteract the JW propaganda they were hearing from my mom was to treat the religion as if it was just one of many (which it is). JWs are not "special" and do not have "the truth" and there are all kinds of different beliefs and religions. I taught them that many people believe other holy books, like the Koran, and that it's okay to hold different religious beliefs. When they would repeat some belief she had told them, I would say, "well, your grandma believes that, but here's what other people believe" and give them a broader perspective without necessarily labeling a belief right or wrong.

  I also explained the reasons why I disagreed with her religion, for example, the idea that I was a bad person and god was going to destroy me. They all agreed that was wrong, of course! I tried to use common sense things, but always doing so in a way that validated her right to her beliefs. The common message was always, "we believe differently, and we are good people, too."

  Always reinforced the good in the world (as opposed to the negative viewpoint JWs hold). Zid mentioned science - I also make sure I talk a lot about scientific advancements and the wonderful things people can do when they are educated. Use teachable moments. For example, I take my grandkids with me to vote and explain about democracy and that it is an important responsibility as a citizen. Poke small holes in things like celebrating birthdays - where they have absolutely no logical support or reason for, adding a positive, "we are so happy you were born and we want to celebrate that and make it special"

  But as has been mentioned, kids do want to please both parents, so you have to walk a fine line. Not be critical of the other parent, while at the same time helping them see that the belief system doesn't make sense. Kids are smart.

  My grandsons also get some twisted beliefs from their father who is not even a JW, he's just a psycho lunatic. But he is similar to JWs in that he wants to keep the boys completely isolated, with no friends, only reliant on him. However, what complicates things here is that JWs are a cult and use cult methodology to keep people enslaved. I would say one of the best things you can do for your little guy is make sure he has lots of non-JW friends, gets to go to parties and school events, has lots of opportunities to get involved in things like sports, arts, group activities where he really gets to know people in "the world" and can see that they are not evil.
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  King Solomon

  Interesting topic!

  Consider that he's likely exposed to a constant drum-beat from his mother about the evils of "false" religion (I remember we'd drive past a church, and someone in the family would take glee saying how that building would be destroyed in Armageddon, with all the evil people inside, the cross tumbling down, etc). To counter, you should take the opportunity to physically point out the GOOD peaceful things those people are doing, or the clean appearance of the grounds and garden as you pass-by, ie be positive.

  It's a tug-of-war, no doubt, but it's actually good for him that he IS placed in that situation of comparing and contrasting, and asking "why?", because it's a victory for him everytime he uses that little brain of his (and a victory for you two). It's when people stop asking or evaluating that you have to get worried: they're generally into 'accepting beliefs unconditionally' mode (AKA brain-washed).
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  jamiebowers

  I'm hardcore when it comes to protecting children from the Watch Tower cult. There is no compromising when it comes to jws and their distorted world view. So unless you're prepared to tiptoe around the brainwashed mother, your husband must make a stand. Go back to court to get decision making rights for educational and medical issues. Have a guardian ad litem appointed for the child, and cooperate with the counselor who will inevitably be involved. If the system works, your husband will be able to determine whether his child will fit in at school by participating in holiday celebrations, sports, etc., as well as permit life-saving medical treatments that involve blood if the need ever arises. The counselor should be able to help the child with the guilt issues that his mother causes.

  There are attorneys and/or consultants that specialize in jw custody matters. Your stepson's development is of the utmost importance, so it is worth any cost. By the way, since the Watch Tower's policies permit pedophiles to run amok in the congregation, your husband may want to have a serious chat with that poor little kid about the difference between proper and improper touching and assure him that he can trust his dad anything.
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  ruderedhead

  LKM, you and your husband are your stepson's only hope for a semi normal childhood, never mind how messed up his brain could be as an adult if everything is his jw Mom's way. I know you do not want him to sit outside during birthdays, class parties, etc., feeling like an outcast. And never mind High School, which can be brutal as kids try to find their niche anyway!

  When he is with you, your rules should apply. As long as you do not speak negatively of his Mom and her beliefs, she needs to respect this. You don't tell her he can't go out in service, to the KH or participate in anything related to the witnesses, do you? Fair is fair. The problem you could have is if you were to sign him up for team sports, if she has him during a scheduled game/practice, she obviously would not co-operate in getting him there, or letting you take him.

  Please keep this precious child busy exploring what his interests are, what he is good at. Sports, music, art, theater? Hopefully you and your husband are doing thorough research so you can refute wt things his Mom is indoctrinating him with, especially when he says he can't do something because it would make Jehovah sad, or Jehovah does not like it. Nobody wants to make God mad, so you need to be able to disprove his belief. I believe that if you both stay calm, loving and positive, he will want to spend more time with you, especially if you do not speak negatively of his Mom, so he does not go into protect mode.

  Do you get report cards and newsletters from the school so you are aware of the activities that are going on that Mom may not want him to be involved in? School is such a large part of a child's life, they need to feel like they fit in.

  I hope you can all work this out amicably, for the little guy's sake. All the best to you and your husband.
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  steve2

  I'm hardcore when it comes to protecting children from the Watch Tower cult. There is no compromising when it comes to jws and their distorted world view. So unless you're prepared to tiptoe around the brainwashed mother, your husband must make a stand. Go back to court to get decision making rights for educational and medical issues.

  If the family's in tact, fine: Make a stand; Come out with gun's blazing.

  But if the family's divided, the last thing the poor kid needs is two hot-headed parents fighting it out in court. The child's needs quickly become secondary to either parents need to use legislation to assert their "rights" over religion. Look, to a kid it doesn't matter what the religion is provided his parents are civil to each other and able to put his priorities first.

  This is pretty much a situation where the child's needs must come first - not - repeat not - the needs of either parent to assert authority either to instill or not instill religious beliefs.

  It get's a little dismal seeing so many cases of parents intending to put the child's needs first and immediately abandoning those admirable needs either because the parents are 1) die-hard JWs or 2) die-hard anti-JWs or both.

  Moderation is a goal not just for the JWs but the ex-JWs as well - that is, if the child's needs truly count for anything.
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  jwfacts

  I am a step parent. They were 5 and 10 when I got married, and are now 20 and 25. I think the important thing is to be their friend. There are the two genetic parents for discipline, so I did not think adding me to the mix would help things. By being a friend I would end up being asked for guidance, but was never told "you are not my father", as can be a common problem in step families.

  At 8, your step son is too young to get involved in picking sides and making long term plans about religion. As mentioned in the comments above, help he learn critical thinking skills. Don't discuss religion too much, but let him know there are many different belief systems, and what those are. Don't push just your beliefs about God on him, but speak about all sorts of cultures. That way it will not come over as you against the mother, but you providing an education.

  As he gets to the early teens he will start making choices about life and religion, and start understanding the lack of logic of the Watchtower. If he has other friends at school, or even can consider you and the father as a safe haven, then it will be easier to recognise that the Watchtower concept of God killing billions at Armageddon is not reasonable.
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  breakfast of champions

  I think JWFACTS hit the nail on the head: BE THEIR FRIEND.

  You can also show an "openness" to thinking without denigrating the beliefs they are being programmed with.

  Try to teach critical thinking skills as much as possible without touching their mother's faith.

  Best of all: be HONEST, REAL AND LOVE THEM!

  In the end, that wil shine through the JW phoniness.