I'm a stepmom to a little JW.... need advice... (page 3)

LKM

Thanks for all the wonderful responses!

My husband and I read them all and are discussing.....

I would just keep the peace considering his age and set good boundaries with your kid's mom and keep him out of it as much as possible. One thing I would harp on is Mom is only allowed to express her beliefs as "I BELIEVE" and not terrorize the kid with the emotional terrorism they like to present as fact (Armageddon etc..etc..). I would hope a court would back you up on this. Thumb through the publications and look for violent and disturbing pictures. Your husband probably doesn't even realize how not-normal the images in the publications are for children.

Either way, the issue will resolve it self in a few years. He will want to date, go to dances, play football, have sex, go to college and so and on and so on. Trust me, he will be ok. When he hits 14 it will be Jehovah who? Remember right now he is trying to make Mommy happy because she is sad. This is probably the toughest time of his life. He is lucky to have a good stepmom. Many JW mother's never learn to give that real motherly love and acceptance. He might not be ready for that type of relationship now, but as he gets older he will need your understanding. He won't get it from his real mom.

-CF

JWdaughter

Maybe I am for too much confrontation, but I think it is important to lay down some boundaries (privately) with the mother. With your husband, you need to tell you that while you are not ever going to disrespect what she does with her son or how many meetings he attends with her, FS, whatever, so long as you feel he is safe, you expect that she respects that his time with you is his time with YOU. You are not an extension of her or her lifestyle. If she thinks she can control everything, you might as well give up custody altogether.

You can't give him back the time wasted on the WT when with her, but you can give him a normal childhood with you. And I think if he wants to play soccer or baseball, then he SHOULD, (and join scouts and choir and the marines if he wants to!) and tell her that if she wants to ruin his time with you, you will seek counseling for the 3 of you so that she sees that her actions are damaging. Point out that YOU were to do what she does, and try to ruin every JW activity by guilting him out or making him see how stupid it is (might want to be more diplomatic, there) , you would be no more guilty than her, but the child would be utterly miserable-that is what SHE is doing to him by undermining his time with his father and you. She needs to keep her JW influence to herself and not impose it on you and his time with you. Which means that if his visit is on a holiday, he celebrates without her saying SQUAT about it.

Take it to a counselor so that the child is protected, but don't let her run YOUR life and control YOUR parenting of the the little boy. What you have said already sounds as if she is damaging him and that is wrong-she should not be allowed to do that.

This is the unlearned, but experienced voice of a 25 year veteran of mommyhood. Don't screw it up for the kids!

Aussie Oz

I suggest being 'the nice guys' and NEVER bad mouth his mother, never criticize the JWs and always just give unconditional love and support.

If need be later on you will have to be prepared to FIGHT her to maintain the fantastic 50/50 care. She will remarry and I can assure you all bets are off on her keeping that agreement.

Let the lad see that you guys are the sane ones...again, my experience is that when they get to mid teens they really see what is going on, and a hard core JW mother/stepfather can literally make them run a mile from the WT.

all the best

oz

blondie

Her son's "place" is secure if only one parent is a practicing witness...analogy that WTS uses is Timothy, whose father was not a Christian but his mother was. Eventually the son will reach the "age of accountability" which the WTS says is when the child can no longer ride on the "spiritual standing" of even the one parent...but they never identify that age...I have seen 6 year olds baptized.

Hello, Blondie

oldlightnewshite

What Ziddina said about science. I wish I had been exposed to proper science, and thinking for myself. I always had to do other stuff when evolution was taught in class. Yeah, being a friend, and especially impartial and not criticizing the JWs. Kids are so intuitive. Just by doing this you will be overdeveloping his innate bullshit-detector beyond his years.

jwfacts

It seems unfair that the son is being prevented from living a normal life, such as playing soccer. The reason I would avoid too much confrontation though is that you do not want to risk pushing the zealot mother over the edge. It does not take much for a divorce to end up in a custody battle in the best of times, and when an over enthusiastic JW thinks they have to protect their childs eternal life, they can go to extreme lengths. Push her too far, and she may try to make things difficult (and costly) through the courts or try moving. Keeping the peace is likely to be a better long term strategy.

However, I would push strongly against his being baptised before 16 or 18, and the father should make that clear. There is no fool proof way to prevent it though, as I have read experiences where the son, mother and elders knowingly went behind the fathers back and got baptised as a minor.

Elephant

hello step-mom

i think the most common sense and least stressfull way to handle this would be to offer your stepson alternate options without trying to 'convert' him over to non-jw or pro-jw, its his mind and heart and he will decide eventually.

now if your foremost objective is to not allow him to become pro-jw, well...you'll have to dedicate as much energy and effort as his mom will. it IS her son and i'm sure she's doing it in his best interest regardless of your opinions. just dont turn the kid into an outlet for your frustrations regarding the religion...that will require double his mom's efforts...

jamiebowers

But if the family's divided, the last thing the poor kid needs is two hot-headed parents fighting it out in court. The child's needs quickly become secondary to either parents need to use legislation to assert their "rights" over religion. Look, to a kid it doesn't matter what the religion is provided his parents are civil to each other and able to put his priorities first.

The kid is already in turmoil, because his jw mother makes him feel guilty for doing normal childhood things with his non-jw father and stepmother. And his mother went ape shit, because they wanted to sign him up for soccer. Going to court to have the right to make educational and medical decisions for a kid who has a jw parent is not being hot headed. It is being responsible. If a child is lucky enough to have a non-jw parent who has those rights, medical emergencies will never be put on hold to wait for a court order on the use of blood, and he or she has a shot at normalcy in school. Chances are slim that either parent will be able to assert their rights over the rights of the child if a guardian ad litem and counselor are appointed to the case.

steve2

The kid is already in turmoil, because his jw mother makes him feel guilty for doing normal childhood things with his non-jw father and stepmother. And his mother went ape shit, because they wanted to sign him up for soccer.

Just to be clear, my more cautious response about the need to not go head-to-head in court was elicited by this earlier more aggressive post:

I'm hardcore when it comes to protecting children from the Watch Tower cult. There is no compromising when it comes to jws and their distorted world view. So unless you're prepared to tiptoe around the brainwashed mother, your husband must make a stand.

There is nothing more debilitating for a child than to observe both parents confronting each other over who is right and insisting the other back-off. To say that the child is already in turmoil is no licence for either or both parties to intensify the (counter)attacks. Rather, it calls even more for the responsible parent to adopt a more even-handed conciliatory tone. Where is the panic? the urgency? The world's not about to end.

I also get the sense from the initial request for advice, that the stepmom and her ex-JW husband would prefer a less confrontational approach in contrast to the "hardcore" approach advocated above.

Like numberless kids before him, he will grow up and make up his own sweet mind in his own sweet time and, as is true of countless others, possibly decide in the cold light of day that the religion is not for him and leave, Mom screaming her head off in disapproval or not. He will always have a dad and stepmom who love him unconditionally. Unlike the panicked mentality of the JWs, time is literally on the side of dad and stepmom.

I'm a stepmom to a little JW.... need advice...

LKM

Cagefighter