Last week I spoke to my mother-in-law for the first time since visiting her ugly ass, at Christmas, in Florida.
I, unfortuantly, picked up the telephone without checking caller ID. It was not her usual Sunday evening call. I got caught off guard.
The conversation revolved around a few things:
1. My not working
2. My father's death and my being raised a JW
I need to explain....my mother-in-law, Moira (celtic version of Mary) is very Catholic and very Irish. I am 1/4 Swedish, 1/4 Irish, 1/4 Russian and 1/4 Polish. Moira does not like the mix...I could mess up the blood lines.
Regarding issue #1...I ruptured a disc, in my lower back, last April. I could not walk, sit, lay or anything without being in horrific pain. My left leg was numb. I could not walk-(apparently your nerves stop speaking to your muscles when you injure you back). I could not sit at my desk at work. I went on disability. I had back surgery in July 2001. In August 2001, I received a letter from my company, Aetna Insurance, that my job had been eliminated. In September, when my disability insurance ended, I was called by my supervisor, who said that since they had laid off so many people, they needed me back.
After speaking with my husband, we decided that it was crazy to go work 40-50 hours a week and be in pain. I declined the kind offer to return. We can make ends meet, save for retirement and pay our bills on my husbands salary...
My mother-in-law is furious. We do not have children. This really infuriates her. (She has asked on many occasions when will we? Her friends are questioning why we don't have kids.)
I now have time to clean the house, do minor repairs, run errands, pay bills, cook, do laundry, etc. I also volunteer at a foundation. All the things I never had time for...our weekends were made up of the above. We had no time to relax. Now we do. This is really making Moira mad. She thinks I am a lazy toad for not working and not contributing to the population of central Ohio. She has asked me what I do all day. I explain that there are many household duties that require my attention. She said I am spoiling my husband by doing all the laundry and cooking.
On the children issue...my husband has accepted jobs, for promotions and more money, all over the country. In 14 years of marriage, in the last 12 years, we have moved 5 times to 5 different states. I had to find a new job every 2-3 years to accomodate the moves. This did not advance my career. However, we agreed that my career would be secondary, since I was making less and did not (at that time) have a college degree.
Moving around has always cost money..no matter what the company covers there are always small costs that add up. We decided, when first married, to wait a few years for children. When we moved the first time, from Chicago to Ohio, we decided to wait again. We moved two years later to California. Three years later we moved to Kentucky. Two years later we moved to Kansas. Three & 1/2 years later we moved to Ohio. I am now in my late 30's. Having a child just does not make sense. I also have a medical condition (epilepsy) that makes having children more challenging. All the waiting has now made us rethink our decision to have kids at all. We will wait a few years and perhaps adopt.
Moira is mad that she is the only lady out of her group of friends who is not a grandmother. It is like a badge of accomplishment to her.
Issue #2. My father died one month ago. I got a card from Moira, however, she never phoned. She knew my father. In our phone call last week, she asked about my family and who showed up at the funeral. I explained. She questioned me about what my father left me. I explained-nothing. I took a few hats from his apartment when we cleaned it out. My father left his 401k and life insurance to his old "friend" Amy. She was 30 years younger than my Dad and at his eulogy, Amy said he was "like a father to her." My Dad thought they were dating. What little he had, he left to her, without a will.
After asking about my mother and her relatives, Moira hit me with this.
"Are'nt you lucky you married my son?" I said yes, he is a great guy. "Yes, you really were lucky to get away from your terribly dysfunctional family and marry into such a great family."
All I could mutter was "Uh-Huh." She went on that since I was raised as a JW, I must be really messed up and only marrying her son saved me. Also, since his family, according to her, is so normal and wonderful, I really got lucky-especially since he does not make me work! She then went on to my father. She said he was a charming person, however, he was a loser and a irresponsible father. She said she could understand why my father left my mother; my mother is obviously nuts! I was speechless and could only make a noise in my throat.
I, over the years, have put up with Moira's idiosyncrasies. She smokes two to three packs a day. She drinks like a fish. She complains about the weather...in FLORIDA! She is a whiny, angry woman. She got married later than all her friends. She was homely. Period. She married a man 10 years older. He left when my husband was 7. She got divorced and since she is a good Catholic, never remarried or dated. Her brother died and did not leave her anything. She complains about her dead brothers wife having a better life and how unfair it is...Moira deservers more!
I have had her visit our home...she has stayed for 2-5 days. I have asked her not to smoke in the house She has. My husband will not put his foot down, saying that she had a hard life raising two sons and she deserves to have her vices. We have had to visit her in Florida at Christmas because it is so important to her. I have left needing a lung transplant from the tabacco smoke inhalation. (we stay in a hotel because of the smoke)
I told my husband about my enlightening conversation with his mother. He laughed and said he was lucky to met and marry me-ignore her...she is a lonely old lady. He did tell me that she has asked him numerous times why I am not working. He has explained to her that we do not need the extra income. We can live a comfortable life on his income. He said she is not happy that I am not working.
I despise the woman. I have not told my husband about my feelings...I have made scarcastic comments about her. That is it.
This weekend we talked about what happens when she needs full time care. She is 68. Since she smoked since she was 12, it is likely she will have a stroke, heart attack or develop lung cancer. My husband and I discussed her coming to live with us, if need be.
I am beside myself. I simply cannot live with the woman.
I have spoke to some friends who hate their mothers-in-law and some who claim their mother-in-law is a wonderful woman who would never interfere.
I must say, in spite of my mother being a JW, she has never got involved in our marriage. She has never asked when I am having kids. She has just stayed out. Moira started meddling immediately.
Who has mother-in-law issues? Male or female, it would be interesting to know what others are dealing with.
edited for typos