I usually get performance anxiety when women expect me to perform on command (which probably explains why I can't keep a girlfriend) but I'll give it a shot.
Skeeter and Jeb just LOVE to hunt, but all the prime hunting areas near them are too crowded with other hunters, and all the game has been scared away.
Skeeter hears about a piece of land that's supposed to have the best hunting in the state. The only problem is, it's owned by an old preacher who is famous as the orneriest, most miserable person around.
Well, hunting season is drawing to a close, so Skeeter and Jeb decide to try to convince the old guy to let them hunt on his land. They leave work early Friday afternoon and get packed for a long weekend.
Bright and early Saturday morning they hit the road. They drive across the state and get to the old preacher's county early in the afternoon. They stop and ask directions a few times, and each time they're warned that they're wasting their time; the old man NEVER let's anyone hunt on his land.
But skeeter and Jeb don't want to give up now, so they drive up the long, winding dirt road to the old preacher's shack. On the way they pass signs that read: NO TRESSPASSING and POACHERS WILL BE SHOT.
They finally pull up in front of a dilapidated old shack with no electricity, a sagging roof, and pigs and chickens in the dusty yard.
Skeeter says, "Wait here, Jeb. I'll go talk to him and see if the guy will let us hunt on his land for the weekend."
Skeeter walks up the creaking wooden steps and knocks on the door.
An ancient man, who is 100 if he's a day, answers the door looking forlorn.
"Pardon me, sir," says Skeeter, "but my friend and I have driven clear across the state because we heard that you have the best hunting land around. You're famous for your generosity, and we were hoping you'd see fit to allow us to camp out on your land this weekend. We wouldn't be any trouble, and we'd be glad to pay you for the privilege."
"Got no use for money," the preacher snaps. Skeeter pauses, trying to think of what to say next, when the old man looks up at him, the eyes of a tortured man peering up from beneath bushy eyebrows. "Tell you what," the old man says, "you can hunt on my land this weekend, if you do me a favor."
"Name it," Skeeter replies.
"You see that old mule over there?"
Skeeter looks off to the side of the porch and sees the sorriest, mangiest excuse for a mule he's ever seen. It's half-starved, sway-backed, and there are patches of fur missing from its coat. The poor wretched creature doesn't even have the energy to swat the flies that are tormenting it.
"That's Bessie," the preacher says. "I've had her since she was just a (whatever baby mules are called). Well she's up in years now. Got arthuritus, blind, no appetite. She's in nothin' but pain now, and really ought to be put out of her misery. But I just can't bring myself to do it. She and my other friends here," he says, indicating the animals scattered around the property, "are my only friends."
"You want me to put her down for you?" asks Skeeter.
"If you'd be so kind," replies the preacher.
"I'd be happy to, sir."
"Just let me get inside so I don't have to watch." The old man turns, tears in his eyes, whispers one final farewell to Bessie, and goes inside his lonely little shack.
Now Skeeter is famous as a prankster, and he figures this would be a good time to pull one over an Jeb. He waits till the preacher is well inside, then he stomps off the porch, kicking up dust and cussing up a storm. He gets back into his pickup truck and slams the door.
"He said no, didn't he?" asks Jeb.
"That crazy old coot! I begged and pleaded with him! I told him that we drove all night to get here! I told him we'd pay him! Nothing I said made any difference to him," he fumes.
Skeeter rants on for a few more minutes, then says, "Well I'll show that miserable old badger!" He grabs his hunting rifle from the gun rack behind his seat, wheels, aims at Bessie the mule, and fires.
BANG!
He watches Bessie keel over from a clean shot through the neck, and tries to keep from laughing and giving away the joke.
BANG!
BANG!
"I got two of his pigs," Jeb says. "Let's get outta here!"
Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
Hmmm
