Eric Beck in Atlanta was DFed once. Dad and I used to go and pat his back as we were walking by. His mother said years later that that action from us always made his day. He is dead now though.
Did you ever shun people when you were a dub? How did it feel?
by oldlightnewshite 34 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
-
-
mamochan13
I did. It felt so self-righteous. A close friend was DFd when I was in my late teens. I recall she worked at the place where I took lessons. I had to interact with her one time. She apologized and we both felt very uncomfortable.
When I became an adult, after some very dear people close to me were DFd, I realized I didn't want to do it anymore. I still avoided any overt confrontation, but it broke my heart not being able to interact with them closely anymore. I had gone to "serve where the need is great" and one of the local elders I loved very much was DFd. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was for apostasy. Those same elders that DFd him had treated me horribly, too.
After I got back home I stopped shunning. In fact, I openly welcomed a DFd friend to the hall and hugged her and spoke to her in front of the rest if the congregation, told her how happy I was to see her. My actions were instrumental in her returning - which I now feel rather ambivalent about. It ended her shunning, but it also brought her back into the cult. Funny, I had completely forgotten all of that until just now.
When I myself was DFd, I realized how important those small kindnesses were. I know I avoided people's eyes when I was DF'd. It was for two reasons. I didn't want to see the scorn in their eyes or have them turn away, and I wanted to make it easy for them because I felt so guilty. One meeting the only empty chair was next to a former piano student of mine. Through the whole meeting I could feel how tense she was sitting next to me and I just wanted to die.
The only thing that kept me going and saved my life was that after a year of hell had passed, my pioneer aunt and then my mom both decided they had enough of the elders games and stopped shunning me. They stayed by my side at the convention and supported my efforts to return.
-
biometrics
Never intentinally. When my sister was DF'd I wasn't allowed to attend her wedding, and had no transport (I was 14).
Through the years my brother was DF'd but I never shunned him. When I met DF'd JW's I said hi and had a quick conversation, some of them were shocked that I was talking to them, one even got all emotional.
-
MC RubberMallet
I didn't speak, but I acknowledged them. An elder did talk to me about it, and I said I didn't see how not showing love was supposed to be the Christian way. He said "In Israelite times, they would be stoned to death. Not saying "hi" is loving..."
...And I fell for it
-
simon17
Okay, I don't know lots of people that were DF'd, but of all the times I've encountered DF people when I was a Dub, THEY actually blanked ME! It was always something that I had fixed in my mind that the JWs had dead wrong, even when I was an uber Dub. I remember several times when I used to arrive late at meetings, and I'd make a point of getting eye contact with the poor dub at the back sitting on the naughty step. Every single time I got the poker face with no acknowledgement at all. Even this one time in a shop, I passed a sister I knew well, she saw me and put her eyes to the floor and walked away quickly. (WTF? Not even at the KH?) I have always been dead set against bullying of any kind, always getting into fights protecting vulnerable people. I used to physically feel sick when I saw the way DF'd were treated at the KH, and wanted to hurt the ones doing it.
Interestingly, this was my same experience. I would make obvious eye contact or smile warmly at DF'd ones. I don't recall ever talking to them, so in a sense I guess I did, but it was more that they were shunning themselves. I always felt a little bad that I didn't go the extra mile and make them feel a little better.
However, about the time I was preparing to leave one of these DF'd people got reinstated and they were telling me later in a social occassion how much it meant to them that I was so warm to them while they were DF'd. She actually started crying saying that me and one other person are how they kept their sanity through that terrible time and that she just wanted to run away from everyone trying to hug her after the announcement and just talk to me and that one other person.
So what I learned is that shunning is in the attitude and intention. And even doing seemingly nothing may actually be very impactful on the person. In some sense they are almost protecting themselves from being shunned by not pursuing any contact, probably because it is so painful to be shut out by everyone.