Dear Post Reader...
I was that young and pretty sister you may have seen...the one with "all those kids". The one who stuggled to raise her children alone. The one who was rarely considered as "wife material" because she was "damaged goods". After all, "no one is going to want you and all your burdens!", as it was put to me by a well meaning pioneer sister.
Like many of you, I, too, was raised to be a witness. I truly loved Jehovah all my life. I loved my Brother's and Sisters. And I truly believed that "IT" was THE truth.
I grew up in San Francisco, during the Vietnam war, the Black Panthers, riots, protests, and the "Hippie" movement. And I became disillusioned with "the truth".
I came back to "the truth" when I was nineteen. I raised up my five children "in the truth". I was a single mother, very poor, who was gossiped about without restraint. I saw my persecution, and the Brother's ignoring of my "Fatherless Children", as "Satan's way of trying to turn me from Jehovah".
I stayed through many lonely years. I use to wonder "what was wrong with me" that I wasn't "happy", as I was suppose to be. I use to cry, and pray to Jehovah to help me to be a "good witness". I thought that something was very wrong with my little family because we were not as the families were represented on the platform at the assemblies.
I had many occassions to experiance some very "un-christian" behavior and persecution. (I remember noticing that I seemed to be "on the block" a lot, and one sister explained to me that because I was not married...did not have the "status" of being a married sister, and had no husband to "protect" me, I was "free game".)
I attributed all my problems with the Brothers as "my test" from Satan. And I stayed.
I feel that Jehovah finally "forced" me out to save my life. All the "life" had long ago drained out of me. I was an "automaton".
I truly had never felt "right" about joining the Jehovah's Witnesses, but I attributed this feeling to my own "wickedness". I was baptized and I did the best that I could in "the truth"...to save my children's lives, as I did not want them to die because of my "bad" heart.
I was raped by the manager of our apartments. I had known him and his wife for many years. It was completely unexpected. And I went into a sort of "shock". He forced his way into my home early the next morning, and with my sleeping children upstairs, attacked me again. I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Maybe I did.
I just walked out on my precious children and hid out in a hotel room for four days. I wanted to just die. I couldn't think. All I could do was to get drunk, and scream, and cry out. I did that for about six hours straight. Then I ended up in the emergency room as the alcohol had aggravated my heart condition.
I reported the incidents to the Elders, as if I had committed some terrible and shameful "sin".
They told me that they would have to delay meeting with me to "discuss" what had happened as the Circuit Overseer's visit was due the coming week. I was just numb. I went about taking care of my children, and going to the meetings, for the next ten days, or so.
The Brothers met with me on three or four different occasions, always wanting to know more details. It was so disgusting and humiliating...not to mention, traumatic. There I was, a young and pretty woman, sitting across from three old men who were "in judgment" of me, and I am in a dress and nylons, feeling so "exposed".
I would endure their questions for as long as I could bear it and then I would beg for them to stop; I would plead with them to "just disfellowship me", to "call it FORNICATION, and disfellowship me!"
"Oh, no!", they would answer. "We don't want to disfellowship you! We are just trying to understand what happened!" But their "trying to understand" was much worse than the rapes, and having to live with it.
In the course of these meetings, certain things were pointed out to me. That the Brothers "had taken me and my children as a Millstone around their necks", and "this was the thanks that I gave them" That "this is what they get for all their trouble...a slap in the face".
Also, that I had "disgraced the congregation" and the "name of the good Sisters of the congregation".
The entire process took about one month. During the wait of the Elders to decide what my fate would be, I called one of the Brothers on the Committee, just because of the stress of the waiting, to ask him if they had come to a decision. He said,"no", and then he added, "You know, if we were living in the days of the Israelites, you would be taken outside the city gates and stoned to death".
Of course, the Brothers did disfellowship me. I did my best to prepare my children and my "friends" in the congregation. I even "practiced" being disfellowshipped at the coming meetings so that I could "get used to it".
For over a week after I was informed of the Brother's decision, I was "allowed" to behave as a "normal" witness in "good standing"! I was told that this was alright because my being disfellowshipped was not "official" until it was actually announced. I was even told that I could answer at the meetings!! And I did!
When the Brother's made the announcement, at last, I was right up there in front of the Kingdom Hall, in my usual place, with my children, amidst the "Ooohs!" and "Aaahs!"; the whispers, and the stares.
I did my best to keep a "proper attitude"; of "acceptance of Jehovah's discipline".
When I left the meeting that night, (I had to walk about a mile home, through a dark and desolate area, as no one would give me a ride, now), I was filled, and consumed, with an intense sense of lightness, happiness, and FREEDOM!!
All the way home, with every step I took, I felt more and more RIGHT in front of Jehovah; at peace, and so very HAPPY!! I can only tell you that this is how I felt.
Now at the time, I had had no intention of ever leaving the Organization. It was entirely my plan to continue to attend the meetings...just as I always had. Satan wasn't going to win!! I was right with Jehovah now! And nothing was going to stand in the way of that!!
Well, when it came time to get ready to go to the next meeting, I began to get up from the couch, but I could not get up, as I "felt" and intense "no!". I sat back a minute, and then I thought, "How silly!", and started to rise again. But this time the "NO!!" felt much more insistant.
I then prayed to Jehovah to help me in my fight against Satan, (for surely this was one of his "ploys" to try to entice me into the "world"!) But as soon as I began to pray, I felt from Jehovah that He did not want me to go to the meeting. In fact, I felt that He did not want me to go back to the Kingdom Hall at all.
I "knew" in my heart that I had "heard" Jehovah right. But I could not understand why I should not go back to the meetings. I had to have some "logical" explanation, and so I came to the conclusion that "I must be so bad that Jehovah doesn't want me at the Kingdom Hall"...that I was "a disgrace", as the Elders had said.
And so I decided that, as I was "in his hands", and as I had vowed to follow His lead, even if I did not understand, I would not go back "until further notice".
I tell you this because I had to learn what every departing witness has to learn...that our lives DO depend on Jehovah. That His son, Jesus, died for us and is our mediator, and means of salvation; not man, or an organization, and that once we stop living "in fear of man", and truly put our faith in Jehovah, "for what can mortal man do to us?", we will begin to know what Jesus was talking about when He said, "Come to me, all you who are thirsting, and you will find refreshment for your souls".
Your eyes will become opened and you will learn what it means to completely rely upon Jehovah! Do not be afraid of being afraid! There is help out there; there is support. You can do it!!
Or, you can choose, as so many others have, to stay in an organization that is so very sick...for the sake of remaining in "good standing", and for those that you do not wish to leave behind.
But each of us is ultimately responsible for ourselves and for the choices that we make. "For each of us will carry his own load", each of us "will render an account". We cannot, none of us, say that we "did this" or "did that" because "the Brothers told me to", or "not to".
Remember: The opposite of the "independent thinking", that the society so often warns us about, is "DEPENDENT THINKING"!
Think about this: "Do not put your faith in earthling man, to whom no salvation belongs", and, "It does not belong to man, who is walking, even to direct his step."
I hope that, through our prayers, and with Jehovah's Holy Spirit, those dear Brothers and Sisters who are still "blind" will one day "see". I hope that none of us will forget our dear Br. Franz, who was moved to write "Crisis Of Conscience", depicting so many wrongs in the Organization that he was witness to, and of how he was silenced so effectively, because he knew too much, and because he stood up for the truth. (Commentary Press / P.O. Box 43532, Atlanta, Georgia 30336)
I hope that this rendition of my experiance has served to give some "meat in due season". Remember how very precious you are! So much so that Jehovah "gave his only begotten son"! I hope that you will remember to pray, really TALK to Jehovah, about anything and everything!! Remember that we are to be "in righteous fear" of Him, and that to "be in fear of man" is a disgrace to Jehovah!!
"Have faith!! You are more precious than many sparrows!"
Angel's blessings & Christain love,
Anne Marie
