Wow, I REALLY want to thank you for your insight, laughs, and hugs. Mostly your insight and experiences. I thought I'd been through all the emotions typical of this dual agent role, but this sort of loneliness is new to me. I hope any lurkers viewing this can see they're not the only ones going through this or have went through this.
Quick question, did you feel lonely at the meetings even though you were part of the action?
by Theocratic Sedition 46 Replies latest jw friends
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flipper
THEOCRATIC SEDITION- Very good thread. I felt REALLY lonely especially the last 5 or 6 years I was in the organization as I started seeing through the fake friendships I had as being only " friendships " based on if I commented at meetings, auxilliary pioneered , gave good talks or parts on meetings. Those were totally conditional fake friendships based on how good I was performing WT functions. I felt exhausted after going to meetings due to having to put a fake smile on for all the fake people at the Kingdom hall. It's very hard for me to be fake as I'm a pretty straight shooter and straightforward person in my opinions and likes and dislikes. I had to swallow my tongue constantly around JW's. It was so bizarre.
I really felt isolated after being reinstated after being DFed for 4 years as NOBODY invited me or me teenage kids over for a meal at all - I was asked to go out in service , but wasn't allowed to go to people's house for dinner as I guess the elders were putting me on a TEST or probation. They treat you like you're poison after reinstatement like you have leprosy. Even in spite of that I invited JW's over to our house for dinner as a newly reinstated person, one family came, but others turned the invite down. I finally got tired of the mistreatment and asked myself, " I worked hard to come back after being DFed for 4 years to come back to THIS treatment ? " Then when the elders unjustly accused me of something I just threw my hands up and said " screw this crap " - and picked up my books off my seat before a meeting and never went back, ever. That was 9 years ago and one of the best decisions I ever made as I've gained many more unconditional friends here on the board and elsewhere who accept me for WHO I am, not who they WANT me to be. It's an incredible positive difference ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper
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Scott77
"I really felt isolated after being reinstated after being DFed for 4 years as NOBODY invited me or me teenage kids over for a meal at all - I was asked to go out in service , but wasn't allowed to go to people's house for dinner as I guess the elders were putting me on a TEST or probation. They treat you like you're poison after reinstatement like you have leprosy. Even in spite of that I invited JW's over to our house for dinner as a newly reinstated person, one family came, but others turned the invite down" flipper OMG! This is an evil cult of the highest order. The despicable way they mistreated you makes my heart hurt. Shame on them.
Scott77
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mind blown
Yes...it got really bad......ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS I LEFT THE CULT.......
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Broken Promises
I remember that feeling.
I thought at first it was because I was single, but I think it is deeper than that. As the others said, it's the superficial friendship that ends as soon as you walk out the Hall.
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Chariklo
Yup. I did.
But I was also indoctrinated and, as I now understand, hypnotised in a weird kind of way. I couldn't break free until those elders came round to my house and behaved so very badly, and then, suddenly, the whole house of cards fell down, I realised I had made the worst mistake of my life, and I walked.
...Actually, they walked, out of my house, but you know what I mean!
Nightmare.
Oh. Outlaw. I've said it before and I'll say it again.
You're a genius!
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WTWizard
I felt that too many were judgmental--you had to be extremely careful not to say something that could later be used against you. You get caught doing something for one person, they expect you to do it for everyone even if you did it for the first person for a legitimate reason. Also, they would make custom rules against it.
Also, I had problems with scumbags that were anti-hedonist. I got access to an account containing 2650 toilet papers in February 1989, and I had to make sure I kept it hidden. I had stuff needing replacement, including a watch. But, if I spent it on things that were obvious, they were sure to mooch as much as possible on donations, favors, and wasting funds on replacing things that really didn't need it. I got a Casio Sports Multi-Timer watch among other things at that time, and this scumbag derided it constantly and insisted that I needed a new field circus bag. They wanted to charge me for rides to and from the boasting session (spending money on things that gave me negative value), impose wastes to dry clean my suits (they came back with smoke and cleaning chemical fumes), and insist that I could donate to the Worldwide Pedophile Defense Fund more.
With people that are against enjoying my material things or deciding who to share them with, it is impossible to really develop friendships. Once, at a Great Boasting Session, I took about 110 toilet papers' worth of loose change to the bank and spent the money on a family that had relatively little. Of course, let the wrong person know, and that money would have been inserted in the Worldwide Pedophile Defense Fund box or diluted on those who either didn't need it or didn't deserve it. Another time, I found a family at a Grand Boasting Session where the kids had virtually nothing to play with. I got them something simple that they enjoyed, but I had to keep it hidden because Brother Hounder would have made me dilute the resources to those not deserving it or simply donate it to support the cancer.
It is a shame you can't share things with whomever you choose, or enjoy things, without everyone else snooping. Perhaps if they deserved more, they would get more--besides, I think it's better each person share with those they are closest to rather than diluting it.
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Phizzy
I always felt that I did not fit, and did not feel really comfortable there, but as a born in I accepted the feeling. A lot of it arose because I could never , from a very young age, swallow all the nonsense, and I let it be known in talks and in answers at the meetings.
For that reason there was always awariness on the part of the Elders, and many other Dubs, I just did not go along with the crap, I did not talk the talk.
I always felt a lesser one for this, inferior, I knew I did not have the faith of many, nor could I muster the hypocrisy of the many more, who walked the walk and talked the talk, but you could tell it was a shallow sham.
Whenever I was with "worldly" people I felt relaxed and at ease, and not at all inferior.
In the end this square peg just popped out of his round hole ( why does that sound vaguely rude?)and walked away.
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brokethechain
I loved the meetings mostly for the social aspect. We'd go to the pub after the weeknight meeting and for brunch after the Sunday meeting. I was tempted to go back to meetings after my fade simply because I missed the social aspect. And during pub/brunch, we usually did not discuss the meeting. Unless something funny had happened and we could make fun of the speaker. Or once every 6 months, we'd actually have a good speaker, and someone would gush about the great talk.
Of course, I admit it was a bit clicky. I'm sure some others from the congo felt excluded. But I personally had loads of fun and miss these friendships. Sure, they were conditional friendships, but I still think they are nice people - only misdirected.
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wizardca
For me, always felt alone. My father wasn't a JW but the majority of my family was. Always felt like I was judged or punished for that. Was never part of the cool kids club and pretty much was left feeling alone while at the KH, the rare gathering I was invited to, etc. Funny enough, it was after I left and started meeting people in the "world" is when that feeling of being alone went away. Was accepted with open arms and made to feel part of their family and with that alone feeling leaving.