I wonder how you can put the shoe on his foot. I wonder if there is a way to make him feel, even just a little, the threat of losing you. My first husband was not a JW. I was studying. There were times I quit studying because I feared losing him. If he had not had serious problems, I'd not have left him. Like I said, shake the sugar tree. Of course in addition to the other good advice you are getting.
Need advice. My inactive jw husband has been lured back.
by ingimar 93 Replies latest social relationships
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ABibleStudent
Hi ingimar, You can purchase all of Steve Hassan's books through Amazon.com . Paperback versions cost from $11 to $17 and the Freedom of Mind book can be purchased in a Kindle format for $10. I wish you and your husband the best.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert
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Apognophos
New Year's has always been special to us so I have been telling him how sad it is that he has to work this year and that I will cook a special dinner for us when he gets home and we will celebrate then. I act like I don't know that he is not supposed to celebrate this holiday and he has not yet suggested that he won't. He seems happy to celebrate when he comes home.
Good idea. New Year's is kind of funny from a JW perspective because it's not a proper holiday with "pagan" customs, like Christmas, etc., so it's not spoken out against like those other days of the year. He'll be less likely to feel guilty over spending New Year's doing something nice as a couple.
I realize that they are trying to emotionally separate us and I am going to do everything that I can to prevent this.
In all honesty, I doubt they are doing anything intentionally. They are certainly trying to win him over by being friendly. This is just a well-meaning kind of "jooooiiiin uuuussss" reaction to finding an inactive JW. They wouldn't say or impute anything negative about you unless you were strongly opposing him/them.
There must be some serious disussions amongst the elders as to how to keep his "worldly" family from getting to him and how to convert me. I would love to be a fly on the wall of their meetings.
There may or may not be any discussions among a couple elders. The elder body has a lot going on that warrants their attention within the congregation. Unbelieving mates are of little concern to them unless they're "opposers", and even then they don't waste time holding meetings over what to do about some new guy's opposing mate, only matters that affect the whole congregation. Frankly, from their perspective, unbelieving mates are so much bird food at Armageddon. They would be more likely to discuss you if you showed interest. Then they would be trying to figure out who can study with you to "bring you into the truth" for your husband's sake. But the "they" in this case would be some random Witnesses, not the body of elders.
I'm not saying that there isn't a danger in losing your husband, but rather that this has everything to do with how you present yourself in reaction to his new(ly re-)found religion. Are you showing understanding and acceptance to him? Or are you showing the "spirit of the world"? Keep in mind that JWs believe this entire world is ruled by Satan, therefore you can't say that you're not influenced by him. You can only show it through your actions. Witnesses are taught that "Satan" means "Resister" and "devil" means "slanderer". So if you resist his religious activity and slander his religion, you are making yourself a mouthpiece for Satan in his eyes.
On the other hand, if you can show that you are basically following Christian principles yourself (not the weird ones specific to JWs, just Christian ones), and continue showering him with love and tolerance, then he has little reason to grow apart from you. That's not to say you can never criticize his religion, just that you have to go slow, and couch your criticism in a tone of concern for him personally, not for your relationship. Witnesses tend to exhibit black and white thinking, thus no matter how much your relationship has meant to him, he's being reminded now at meetings that eternal life is at stake for him. How can anything be more important than that? If you present the relationship to him as an object that keeps him from serving Jehovah, he's going to start to think that he will have to cut away anything that stumbles him (Matt. 5:29, 30) or weighs him down in the 'race for the prize' that Paul wrote about (1 Cor. 9:24-27).
I totally understand why this situation frightens you, but hopefully you see why a strong negative reaction to his religion can hurt more than it helps. Disclaimer: I haven't read any of Hassan's books, although I plan to. It could be that he has much better advice in there than I can give.
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problemaddict
Igimar.....a side point.
As far as him believing you are influences by Satan, try to have a lighthearted discussion about it. Ask him "how". How is Satan influencing you. Your mind? Does that mean he thinks you are possesed? Of so then is he whispering in your ear? The bible explains people are free moral agents and have to "invite" the demons into their mind so to speak. Since you haven't done that, what is he saying? Because you don't feel the same way about the religion? Is there a scriptue to suggest that means you are possed by the Devil?
I mean I had these type of stupid arguements with others BEFORE I started questioning the religion of my youth. It just makes no sense, and yet is automatically accepted as possible just because. This whole demon influence thing is fun to poke holes in. When you guys are a little more light hearted, poke a few holes. Get him to laugh. :)
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mamochan13
Ingemar - your situation is scary, but I think the best advice you've been offered so far is to take it slow and be patient. Don't panic. There is a lot of information on cults out there besides Hassan's books. The anti-scientology website at xenu.net has a Bookshelf section with a long list of recommended cult books and there are several excellent websites you can google i.e. "cult mind control". The thing with JWs is that they don't appear to be a cult on the surface.
Arm yourself with knowledge, and drop little bits here and there. Ask thought-provoking questions without insisting on an answer or a dialogue - just to get him thinking.
Keep reinforcing the positives in your relationship. Celebrate the memories of the things you do together that JWs can't: i.e. "remember what a great xmas we had last year?" Don't oppose or resist openly because that just feeds the "people hate JWs" crap. Build on activities that he can't do as a JW - i.e. being part of an organized sports or hobby groups, celebrations. I suspect your husband may be looking for that group hug feeling. Where I live many people work away from home in work camps for long stretches. It can be lonely and leave you wanting social interactions. Build a group of friends if you haven't already. Invite them for meals, social activities you can do together.
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moshe
My husband has told me that I should maybe attend the Hall with him. I told him that I would attend
Two or three say to take assertive action, the rest say to take it slow and easy and that is the same advice that got the Jews gassed in WW2- the ones who took immediate action to get away from Germany- lived, the ones who took it slow and easy, by kicking the can down the road (we can decide what to do later) got rounded up and killed.
Hubby has invited you to the KH---Go to the KH and casually drop the bombshell about your hubby and you living together and celebrating Xmas, do this in a group and when he is present-watch the expression on his face. . Practice what you will say, so it comes out effortlessly. By doing this you will make sure that hubby can't go back to being a JW without facing church justice from the elders. You have the trump card here, if would be a mistake not to play it.
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ingimar
Apognophus..thanks for the insight and guidance. I think that your suggestions make a lot of sense in my situation. I have tried to be non-judgemantal but at times have let my emotions get the better of me and presented myself as being in "the spirit of the world", in his eyes. I must not appear to be an "opposer"( even though I am) but instead be accepting and perhaps inquisitive. I have to select my questions to him carefully and make sure that the questions that I ask him, make him think and reflect. I am seeing him withdrawing from me and I have to make him comfortable to be around me again without him being afraid that I am going to assault his beliefs.
I am going to do my best! He is a wonderful, albeit misguided, man and we have a good marriage.
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FlyingHighNow
Be fun. Make him laugh. Flirt with him. Be romantic. KNock his socks off.
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nugget
Your husband has never been truly free of the society, even for years when he wasn't attending meetings he also wasn't free of their influence which made it easy for him to be sucked back in.
As his first wife tried to save the marrige by becoming a witness and it didn't work then I would suggest that this is not the way to go. A witness wife is not an equal in the relationship in any case. It is extremely hard to get through to someone who is convinced that their religion is right. Witnesses find it incredibly difficult to process anything negative about their religion so normal discussion and debate will be difficult. Asking questions and requesting proof of what sources say can help.
This is a slow process and there is no quick fix since you are dealing with years of conditioning. This religion has a poor track record of preserving marriages where only one believes. I am truly sorry for you.