JW Standup Comedy Routine (page 3)

cptkirk

I think that you just need to set the premise for your joke a little before delivery. for example, instead of just going right into a sex joke, explain how your interpretations of what was right vs wrong in terms of sexuality impelled you to talk to an elder, and then once you premise the joke as the elder explaining things to you, it should go well. because yea, if you just go right into the joke, most people wont get it because they have no idea what goes on with jws and their ideas on sex (other than disliking gays obviously). someone posted on here recently about a visiting co telling all the elders that oral sex was tantamount to licking the toilet lid lmao....that is just pure comedy, that is a gift in terms of handing you material.

enigma1863

Oh talking about a judicial hearing would be funny. a bunch of old men in a locked room want to know all the details of your wrong doing.

DATA-DOG

Having to put your pee-pee through a hole in a blanket, Quaker style?! Miracle Wheat? Revelation 14:20 and the 1,600 furlongs being the distance from Scranton PA to Brooklyn NY? The typwriter being part of prophecy, aluminum? 20 year old Elders with zero life experience giving CA talks. The spiritual Mother teaching?

jam

Have you ever wonder where we got the knock knock

jokes from. Knock knock, who,s there?

alecholmesthedetective

I don't know, ever since I researched 1914 I've been wondering what Jesus has been doing for the last almost 100 years since he became king. I mean, what does 'kinging' involve in his case...can you imagine how bored he must be?

Not to mention the anointed ones who've already been resurrected to reign with Christ but have to wait until everyone gets up there because otherwise the Millennium can't start, they must be bored as well...

What do they do to pass 100 years? Play riddles? Try to guess the date of Armageddon and Jesus tries hard not to let it slip if he already knows it?

Roberta804

"Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained" The Printing Company's first children's book that had all those scary pictures in them.... Yes this is what they read to their children at night.

wallsofjericho

- new system 24/7 fruit picking in dresses below the knee

- young people looking up the YPA chapter on masturbation, only to then masturbate to the thought of the young sisters in those pictures masturbating

- gas money in service. you give $5 one week, then they give you $2 back the next week :P

- always getting a "G" for your talk no matter how lousy you actually did

- being an openly gay JW that does not act upon his "gayness" and condemns his "imperfection" waiting for the new system for Jehovah to make him straight. But for now, he's in the change room at the hockey rink with all the other brothers!! do we let him do the microphones? should he give the #4 talk on masturbation?

Amelia Ashton

Satan made dinosaur fossils to fool evolutionists

skeeter1

Here's a monologue written on the fly by me. Would I be good at standup?

I was watching daytime television, and these peopell were complaining about their childhood and parents. (Whinny voice: Daddy didn't buy me a car, or mommy wanted us kids in by one a.m in the morning. Daddy made me go to his college.") Geez. Geez, I thank my lucky stars I'm a complete, competant and happy person. it's a wonder I'm not more screwed up in my head. I am soo thankful for my sanity. I truly am. (pause) You see, I was born and raised a Jehovah's Witness!

Yes folks. Michael Jackson & I were both raised in the Jehovah's Witnesses. Michael Jackson is my benchmark of sanity. I'm doing better then him, so I must be sane. But, I understand Brother Michael. I do. We are very much soul mates.

Like Michael, there was no Christmas for this Jehovah's Witness. My parents went to teacher conferences, not for my grades, but to make sure I didn't color a Christmas tree or sing anyone Happy Birthday. Oh my, if I did so, God would have STRUCK ME DOWN with a huge boulder at Armegheddon. There were pictures of what's going to happen to all you "worldly" people who celebrated evil holiday. It said so in the Watchtower. And, there were PICTURES of God's destruction. I'm sure Hollywood Directors use the Watchtower's artwork for their end-of-world movie scenes. Accept a Watchtower just so you can enjoy the artwork. A picture is worth a thousand words into the mindset of the Jehovah's Witness.

Speaking of Christmas, you have to come by and see my house at Christmas. I'm making up for lost time, and if God's going to smite me down . . . damn it, He's going to know where I live. My house is Neverland East, shining a beacon into the Heavens. All you people who had Christmas as a kid, don't appreciate it now. I'm wearing my Santa Hat, jingle bells on my sneakers, wreath on my car, and telling everyone "Merry Christmas." You think I'm a freak. But, you have to understand, I had NO Christms. Yes, I love Christmas

and like Michael, I love animals. That's the hook that the Jehovah's Witnesses use to entice children and dreamers into the religion. Animals. You see, if you put up with all the bullshit of the relgiion's rules (do a laundry list like an auctioner would . . .. no beards, long hair, tatoos, 2 car doors, dating for marraige only, always wear a jacket if man, skirt to the knees if woman, no voting, no military, no saluting the flag, no college, no honor society, can't play on any high school team, can't be a cheerleader . . . and don't forget the big rule, no blood transfusions, .,,...) Yes, folks, if you can put up with all the bullshit rules . . . . then Jehovah is going to allow you to pet ANY lion, bear, tiger, or other animal. God is going to magically turn off their fangs, teeth, claws, or venom so you will never get hurt. Yes, it said so in the Watchtower and the Watchtower had PICTURES. That's why Michael had his zoo. It wasn't purely to entice young boys. Michael had to have been out there trying to pet a lion in his backyard. I just know it.

.......

You know, if you could pull off a Chris Rock satyrical rant - you could tie the JW craziness to other radical religions. You could roast religions with a JW twist - like Bill Myer (whatever his name).

(It's how you deliver the lines. Act a little crazed).

Giordano

There are two groups of people who regularly knock on my door. JWs and Mormons. It's easy to tell them apart. The Witnesses look like they're still wearing clothes from the 1950's........I think that was the last good decade they had. The Mormons, arrive on their bikes dressed in black pants and white shirts.......sort of like the Hitler youth.

The other difference is that Witnesses work their territory in the morning and the Mormons prefer the afternoon. I forget, is it part of the Mormon religion to sleep in?

One day both groups met up on my front walkway. The JWs were leaving and the Mormons were arriving. I heard one of the JWs say, "We don’t move for false witnesses."

A Mormon said, "We do," and went around them.

I don't think the door to door work is going well these days. I invited a young Witness in just for a chat, after we sat down I said " what did you want to tell me?" He looked at me, and said, "I don't know, I never made it this far".

Life Everlasting.....no that will never happen they'd bore you to death first.

I don't want to go to your Memorial. Your Memorial is just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."

A question I asked a Witness, "What year did Jesus think it was?"

Another answer, "The only thing that interferes with my becoming a JW is my education."

Some advice to a younger witness, "Being a faithful JW is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

JW Standup Comedy Routine

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