Is a slow fade being selfish when you have kids?

dissonance_resolved

So I got some great advice to take things very slowly with the husband and kids in order to be able to fade and still maintain contact with my parents and siblings. But today I got a call from my son's teacher that he was having a meltdown because he was worried about all his friends and teachers being destroyed at Armageddon.... First I felt like such a schmuck for ever having allowed that thought to enter my son's head, then I thought, is it psychological torture for me not to immediately correct the situation? I had a long talk with him about how God is perfectly just and full of love and he didn't have to worry about that at all, but it still seemed lukewarm. This is all new territory for me. No pun intended.

OnTheWayOut

There are no easy answers for what you are asking. I would disassociate myself if I had kids that my wife was dragging to the Kingdom Hall. I would get them the hell outta there. But is that the absolute answer? I dunno.

A nice compromise for children is to explain that they are on a mission (like secret agent stuff) to help their mother leave that terrible religion but to do it in a way that doesn't upset the Grandparents (and the others) because they are not ready to hear how terrible that religion is.

A huge problem with confiding in your kids is that they are terrible at keeping secrets.

My DA path would mean that my own kids would most likely lose contact with their grandparents. But I really don't see that the secret mission could not be tried and then fall back on simply DA'ing and getting the kids outta there if the mission fails.

Others might say that kids hate the Kingdom Hall anyway, so just keep your mouth shut about fading and deal with the crisis situations as they arrive (as you did), and figure they will be grateful later when they can stop going. That might be right in some cases, but I would be concerned about any permanent residual damage that the Watchtower Mind-Control Cult does to them.

No easy answers.

wallsofjericho

DR

you have a PM

breakfast of champions

Hi DISSONANCE,

I hate the idea of heaping the guilt on, or telling you what to do, but I am your son thirty-something years later.

I spent my life chasing nonsense in fear of Armageddon and what would happen to my "worldly" family and friends.

I do not have any children. But if I did, I would not perpetuate the lies and fear I was programmed with. Get your kid the hell outta there.

It haunted me for almost forty years.

Please don't play games with you child's mind.

Sorry,

BOC

ruderedhead

Your poor child had a meltdown at school worrying about others being destroyed at armageddon? That is absolutely heartwrenching, dis. Have you spoken to the teacher privately(and as briefly as possible) about the religion, and the fact that you are trying to exit? She needs some insight in order to be able to calm your child. YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!! You are trying to do what is right for everyone, without losing your family, and that alone is a daunting, unselfish task. You have a large weight on your shoulders. What does your husband say about the meltdown?

How slowly do you want to fade? You said that your husband is not very regular at meetings. Could you leave this child at home with him for one of the days you have a meeting? That would immediately cut his exposure to the wt indoctrination. Then after a while (only you know the best way for you to proceed without setting off red flags), perhaps the one he goes to with you, you could leave half-way through? Sitting in the back on those days will help it be less noticable. Please keep talking to him about how God loves all His children, and that you think his friends love God as much as he does, so you think they will be just fine. And perhaps re-iterate that you believe armageddon is A LONG, LONG way off. Whatever it takes to ease his poor little mind. Is it possible for you to put him in an activity that will be a distraction for him? Playing an instrument, baseball, karate, anything at all that is available in your area? I'll say a prayer for you and your family. I hope this is a one time thing. Hugs to you.

ABibleStudent

Hi dissonance_resolved, You have a very caring and smart child. Remember that you do not have to do this alone.

Seeing a professional is probably your best option for your child's emotional health. A 40 minute call to Steve Hassan or a 1 hour call to one of his coaches, is a lot cheaper than do a quick fade and risk losing your family.

If you cannot afford to take your son to a counselor, can the school or his/her teacher help you to reach your son if you provide training for them such as Steve Hassan's book "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"? Also, are there other parents at the school that you could ask to help you? The larger your support network is: the less your child will be adversely affected by the WTBTS's teachings.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

CADSkin

My wife and I had the same issue. We didn’t want to push it too fast and be cut off from the grandparents. Too slow and the kids are confused by the inconsistency from year to year. It’s a very tough decision. We stayed in limbo too long to be truthful. We had no more witness friends for the kids but didn’t allow them the freedom to have worldly friends. They were taught b-day’s and such were bad but we didn’t have any good reasons. We are now fully out and our girls are doing great, We worried the most for our oldest since the other 2 were so young. Our oldest is now 14 and is the most self-college driven kid I’ve ever seen. Full support for that.

Giordano

How old is your child and what did your husband have to say about this meltdown? This is a serious issue and it sounds to me that he or she needs a break from meetings.

nugget

We had a similar situation, my son was self harming in school and was hiding under the library table screaming about bad books and meteors. He has Aspergers so his reactions can be extreme but we were very concerned about him. Our other concern was expecting our children to keep a secret in such a high pressure environment as the kingdom hall. I was worried that if they let things slip and we were DF'd as a result they would feel guilty and think it was their fault.

Our fade was to relatively short as a result and very early on we decided that the children should be allowed to participate in activities previously banned such as parties, assemblies, school activities and sports. It took a very short time for them to shake off their conditioning and start building a new life.

We were fading as a family so our choices were based on that different circumstances require different strategies. However one might be that suggesting that until your son is emotionally more stable he has a routine that merans early nights and no late night meetings. The disruption to his sleep routine may be adding to the problem and limiting meeting attendance will start to weaken the hold the doctrines have on him.

dissonance_resolved

A lot to reply to. I haven't told my husband about the meltdown. Don't judge. I just got my son calmed down and I don't need my husband "reasoning from the scriptures" with him and getting him worked up again.

BoC- I don't have a guilt trip because I am a victim too. I didn't choose this life- my parents chose it for me and I'm just now trying to figure out a way to extricate us all as painlessly as possible.

OTWO- I don't feel comfortable involving my children in any sort of deception. This is my mess to figure out, not theirs.

CADSkin- how exactly did you go from being in limbo to being fully out? That's the transition I need to understand. At this point, we are very irregular meeting attenders, low hour publishers (actually would be irregular without constant requests for our FS reports.). I'd say we make one mid-week meeting and two Sundays a month. No one has said anything other than "hope to see you next week". Next steps?

RR- I did speak to the teacher and she is in board and supportive. Will look into counseling.

This whole thing makes me so angry. My sweet, lion-hearted boy should never have had to dwell on these thoughts.

Is a slow fade being selfish when you have kids?

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