Is a slow fade being selfish when you have kids?

by dissonance_resolved 44 Replies latest jw experiences

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  SkyGreen

  I am now completely inactive, have been to one meeting since january. I feel for you as I have two little ones myself. Since I have a husband still "in" i have to tread carefully. I am trying to give my kids balance whilst not confusing them, and at the same time hoping my husband fades too so that they dont get completely indoctrinated!

  My approach is similar to yours, (even though I question the existence of God), when my 5 year old was saying at xmas - xmas is bad, are they bad guys because they have all xmas stuff all over their house. I said just because WE dont do all the xmas stuff, God allows everyone to choose how they live, so we are not better than anyone else. If he talks about bad people not getting into the paradise (little sponge brain he has, shows you how insidious the brainwashing is!) I counter with, "everyone can learn how to be nice, but if they do bad things like steal or hurt people the police put them in jail to keep others safe". I try to shift the focus off the paradise, i dont want him growing up believing its just around the corner the same way I did. Ive subtly said, its a nice STORY isnt it. But we can be happy and enjoy life NOW, for REAL.

  Just wishing my husband would fade now so I can protect my kids from any more brain washing!
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  finally awake

  Your kids need to be deprogrammed sooner rather than later. Many people are estranged from relatives for all sorts of reasons, a good therapist can help the child deal with that if it happens. Preserving your marriage and your family relationships has to take a back seat to making sure your kids grow up mentally healthy.

  FWIW, we quit attending meetings very abruptly and our older boys adjusted pretty quickly. They started public school for the first time (we homeschooled before), we started celebrating every holiday and birthday, they joined the scouts, and they've made new friends. We've discussed the various things that they learned at the hall and explained how the scriptures were misapplied or twisted, and we've explained some of the actual history of the WTBTS and the crazy ideas that Russell and Rutherford preached. I'm pretty much an atheist at this point, and we've talked about that.

  I realize that I don't have the same experience with family members who are still active, since we only have one aunt & uncle who are dubs and they live 600 miles from us, but I still feel it's important to let your kids know exactly what you believe and why, and then act in harmony with your beliefs.
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  whathappened

  Be an intuitive parent. Parent your children the way you would have wanted to be parented.

  Would you have wanted your parents to lie to you? Would you have liked to be raised at Waco or in the Jim Jones cult? You already know what you need to do.
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  LostGeneration

  Sounds like your son may have given you an opportunity, how about something like this..

  Approach you husband with the issue, and simply state that you have been thinking it over, and cannot see a scenario where God would kill little kids and the teachers in your son's classroom in a similar fashion to Sandy Hook. Tell him its something that has been bothering you for some time, and you need to "take a break" from everything to sort it out.

  Hopefully he won't freak and call the elders. If he threatens to, simply say you need at least a month or two away from the congo and then you will meet with them if you have any unresolved questions.

  With your son, its time to start opening options up to him in the future. Ask him things like "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or "Do you think you will live here or somewhere else when you get married?" Simple things like this help break the "Armageddon thinking" that seems to have a grip on his mind. Start preparing him for life as an adult, with the assumption that its going to happen, because it is! Combined with reduced meeting attendance he should snap out of this kind of thinking within a few months.

  Good Luck!
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  SkyGreen

  Lost Generation, I like the thought of refocusing kids on what they want to be when they grow up, thinking about the REALITY, not a fantasy - one thing i wouldnt say is "when you get married..." maybe "if you get married..." or "when you are an adult, where would you like to live"... just a thought
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  finally awake

  Lost Generation mentioned talking to your kids about the future in terms of career plans and life choices. That is something we always did with our kids, maybe that made a difference in how easily they adapted after we left the borg. It has to be a good thing if a kid is thinking about college and a career rather than armageddon and field service all the time.
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  moshe

  I quit the KH when my kids were 8 & 10 years old- My wife then taught them I was the evil apostate- my kids were 10 and 12 when they started visiting me for summer vacation ( a year after the divorce)- I gave them total freedom to go the the KH (4 blocks away) or stay home- by the second summer they decided they didn't want to go to the meetings at all. I think if I had waited until they were 13-15 to leave the KH, it might have been too late for me to overcome the KH's indoctrination.

  Hardly anyone has faith that taking the honest and open road is the best course- I see that most are trying to manhandle their fading exit from the KH so that they can control the outcome to suit their wants-- My kids are glad now that I wasn't a namby pamby fader who ruined their childhood, because I was too weak to stand up to the WT lies and the domination of the elders. They have told their mother that she is the one who ruined their home, not me.

  The Bible says, "you reap what you sow", but the secret wish is to be able to avoid any personal consequences for leaving a to a cult-religion. Kicking the can down the road is not a plan to leave the WT religion, it is an excuse to avoid possible pain, just like that dentist you hate to visit.
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  exwhyzee

  As a kid I had terrible Armegeddon nightmares about my non JW Dad being killed by God for not being a Witness or myself having to sacrifice my little sisters to the bad guys instead of giving into their torture to save them or myself. Looking back I realize that in between meetings my anxiety calmed somewhat only to be refueled again at the next one. As a middle aged adult the resulting lifelong difficulty I suffered with anxiety became almost unbearable at the end of my JW career. Meetings and any kind of talk about the last days would trigger heart palpitations and stomach flip flops which could only be alleviated by stealing out to my car where I began stashing a small container of beer or wine to quell the symptoms. This was a drastic move for me as a virtual non drinker, and a clue that something had to be done. Upon my subsequent self directed exit from the Org. My anxiety disappeared overnight and has not returned in almost 5 years. It has been such a relief and well worth the loss of every friend I ever knew.

  If you can convince your family that for the sake of your son you need to take a little break from anything having to do with death and destruction or talk of the end of the world until he comes to grips with the obvious trauma he has suffered from exposure to all this dooms day talk, it might be the queue you need to make a long term exit. It is completely understandable how a ny kid who is truly listening at the meetings could be frightened by what he is hearing over and over from the adults in his little world.
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  dissonance_resolved

  Yes, need to focus on the future for my little one. This is not a new idea to me though- even though we were 4th generation JW, my siblings and I all went to college, resulting in my dad losing privileges for a time. I never felt like I had lost out on anything, which may be why I thought I could make this work with my kids. I hate being in a place where I have to choose between my parents and my kids. It's just so wrong.
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  Black Sheep

  I had a long talk with him about how God is perfectly just and full of love and he didn't have to worry about that at all, but it still seemed lukewarm.

  Of course it seemed lukewarm. How can a loving god be a murderer of your kid's schoolmates? What did they do wrong? Get born to the wrong parents?

  You need to teach your kids critical thinking skills so that when anyone, including yourself, tries to use rubbish logic on them, they can recognise it and not get sucked in. If that makes you look like a right wally at times, so be it. It is better to have them tell you that they don't believe the WT's BS, or your defense of the WT's BS, than to go through their lives thinking that the WT's killer god is real and Mummy and Daddy are to be trusted even when they talk utter bollocks. I know, because I was one of those kids.

  Before you start, remember every warning sign that the WT, via you, has told your kids to use to identify dangerous apostate thinking and make sure you never cross the line and lose the abilty to have a sensible conversation with them. Tricky questions can be answered with "I don't know!", "What do you think? etc., without you ever expressing an opinion that will have them blanking you out.

  While doing this, it would be best to have the appearance of a SuperDub, not a fader.

  Start here

  Teach Your Child How to Think: Edward de Bono: 9780140238303 ...