Is a slow fade being selfish when you have kids?

by dissonance_resolved 44 Replies latest jw experiences

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  brainmelt

  I'm in a simiilar position too, trying to fade but husband is still in (although happily he is starting to look into a few things since I've expressed my doubts) and we have two little ones. It's so hard, especially if you are like me and aren't quite sure of what you believe any more, im only sure of what I don't believe.

  I'm not sure how old your son is, it may be harder if he is a little older and has had more time to be indoctrinated but mine are 2 and 4 and its easy enough at the moment to just not talk about it at home - my husband never does the family study anyway so they really don't get much WT stuff thrown at them. We haven't been at the meetings much recently due to illness and when we are there I take toys/colouring in books/normal kids books for them so they aren't bored.

  I don't think a slow fade is selfish because you are doing it to keep in with family, I'm doing exactly the same but it definitely makes it a whole lot harder when you have children. I think all you can do for now is try and encourage friendships with other kids, make life fun for them, spend lots of time with them and encourage them to think and use their brains and not just accept everything they hear.

  Wishing you every success and please feel free to pm me if you want to chat, I know how hard it is :(

  Brainmelt x
• 

  vajeni82

  I grew up as a witness and my parents are still in. I understand how your kids have had the JW crap put into their brains. If a slow fade seems to be a better option for you, there are a couple of things you might to do to help clear your kids' minds.

  When they do attend meetings, bring books and coloring sheets for them that aren't JW related. Looking at pitures of animals etc can't be considered apostate, but they will distract your kids enough from the lessons. Try putting them in an after school sport or activity. It will help them make friends that aren't JWs. They also might see them as more fun than meetings and start prefering them. Host a sleepover with a few school friends. Get a cake and streamsrs. Make it a birthday party without the birthday! Your kids will see the fun they are missing our on. They will see that it is okay to have fun wihout JWs.
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  pbrow

  There are a lot of good suggestions here but in my opinion fading is not an option when you have children in the org. Your experience is the exact reason why! If you make the witness world the normal world than that is what will be their norm! I was just watching the kaleb video the other day and realized that the guilt trips and intimidation start at a young age. Thats why a lot of born ins can never really leave and have constant feelings of guilt. You need to break the cycle.

  Getting your child out of this organization is more important that ANY relationship you may lose in the process. Give your child a normal childhood. You will not regret it. Also make sure you involve your child in experiences and opportunities that show him/her how much life has to offer, not just the field service and endless meetings and assemblies. After two years of school sports, birthdays, girl/boy scouts and other normal activities you can kiss the idea of them becoming a witness goodbye.

  Tailor this advise to your situation and it will work.

  Good luck in whatever path you take.

  pbrow
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  Mum

  All of the ideas expressed here are good. You might want to consult a professional because it is terrible for a child to be living under so much stress and anxiety Probably once the child has been distanced from the brainwashing, he will be fine.

  Once when my niece was a teenager, she was studying with JW's. She talked to a school friend on the 'phone, and somehow got onto the subject of being "demonized." I told her that normal people don't sit around talking about "demons." Nor do they sit around discussing Armageddon, the destruction of the world, and the wholesale slaughter of almost everyone living. Your son needs to learn in whatever way possible that all of his fears are irrational, based on the interpretation of scripture by uneducated, self-aggrandizing slave drivers -- not in those terms, of course.

  Wishing you and your family recovery and peace,

  SandraC
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  truthseekeriam

  My advice....if you are going to do a slow fade with small children make sure you encourage friendships outside of the witnesses for them. Get them involved in community sports with children that will be in their schools..have small parties after the season ends so you children will find friendships with these kids, keep in mind always that as soon as you stop being JW's you will lose every friendship you thought you had.
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  humbled

  It is selfish to fade if your reason for doing it is for yourself. The kids don't know what's going on.

  The kids don't have any way to grow up strong if you are not honest with them straight through. They forgive us being deluded enough to become a Witness but the pain of leaving will be multiplied if you let their lives develop roots with the JWs after you KNOW it is a bad place for them. And if you make their life experience in the JW world be so shallow that they don't get to grow good roots in any community, how does that help?

  Tell them that you know that being whole-souled is the only way to go. They will love you for that. It will be all right.
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  tec

  You are in a hard situation, and I sympathise. I truly do. It is also not very often that I agree with OTWO (actually, I probably do a lot, just not on matters of faith).

  If you don't want to tell your kids about the terrible religion while they are attending, and your kid is already treating the doctrine seriously, it is my opinion that you need to get the kids outta there as soon as possible.

  The advice that xyz gave is good as well:

  If you can convince your family that for the sake of your son you need to take a little break from anything having to do with death and destruction or talk of the end of the world until he comes to grips with the obvious trauma he has suffered from exposure to all this dooms day talk, it might be the queue you need to make a long term exit. It is completely understandable how any kid who is truly listening at the meetings could be frightened by what he is hearing over and over from the adults in his little world.

  And if they will not be convinced, then put your foot down as his mother. Sometimes we have to BE the mama bear, and make no apologies for it.

  I failed to do this for my son for the longest time (separate issue, not religious), and that forced him to endure emotional pain far longer than he would have if I had not stepped in and been that mama bear.

  Ultimately, however, you are the one seeing what is happening, with him and your husband and your family. We can only guess by what you tell us. But you need to make the decision that YOU feel is best.

  Peace and strength to you and your little one, and other loved ones,

  tammy
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  no more kool aid

  After I announced that I was going to stop being a JW to my husband and he took it well, the children and I never attended another meeting ( he went a few times). I guess I never understood the "pull the bandaid off slow vs the pull the bandaid off fast " thing. I knew that my parents, in laws, extended family and "friends" were going to make my life miserable if I slowed down or if I quit all together. By quitting all together I was at least true to myself. My kids and husband almost thank me on a daily basis. We have no contact with my family, they don't even speak to my unbaptised children, my husband has minimal phone contact with his parents. Just my experience, everyone has to do what is right in their situation, all the best!

  NMKA
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  Pickler

  Your in a tough spot, and I feel for you. I also a born in, and have suffered from anxiety my whole life due to the JW upbringing.

  I also had the opportunity to study child development at uni, I really recommend you read a good text. It does help you to make age appropriate decisions on communication.

  So much That the JW discuss from the platform & in studies is really unsuitable for children.

  Be clear & simple & not a hypocrite in your actions.

  Never get angry about JW or their teachings because kids often internalise your anger and blame themselves.

  good luck!
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  snare&racket

  Every meeting they attend, every study your kids hear.......Listen to what is going into their heads.

  Open the JW literature you give them to read and look at, look at those pictures..... They are burned into all our minds. Those pictures of tigers and pandas, those pictures of flooding, fire balls, destruction of cities, blood and death, babies held upside down before being split in half, evil looking red headed women who hated Jehovah, the dogs waiting below her window....

  think very hard about what you are allowing other people to teach your children and fill their heads with......

  Whats to lose in leaving now if you intend to leave anyway ? What's the risk of staying?

  i know what I would do..... I did it and trust me from the bottom of my heart, .........no regrets.