yo homies.
LTR FTP (long time, first time etc.)
I don't really know where to start, but I guess you've all been here before so you'll know where I'm coming from.
Ex-elder, took myself off a few years ago, lots of doubts, not much brain.
Been reading on here for couple of years VERY intermittently, usually when a google search on a scripture showed up a result in these forums. But for the last few months avidly.
Doubts? Man made rules that are at best very tenuously scriptural. Rev book regarding trumpet blasts, repeated changing of doctrine, disfellowshipping NEVER seemed like something Jesus would do. etc.
Finally posting kinda feels like a big step. NOt sure how I feel about that.
Not even sure what I'm doing here. Limbo describes where I feel I am. (not the dance). Just home from the memorial, an EXCELLENT talk, loads of good illustrations from a very sincere speaker who really emphasised the love of the christ. I've felt for the past couple of months as if I'm mentally out and planning a very slow fade, but tonight I feel like I've slipped back into the ruts of a well worn bike path. It's just easier. I know I could be appointed again in a second, loads of folk want me to, but I'm resisting. I can't actively teach stuff I no longer feel strongly about. All the man made rules. Couldn't possibly counsel someone about a beard when I have one myself! (NEVER could understand that one, from being a young child).
TBH, I listen to a lot of science podcasts, I even drift towards atheism sometimes. I know a lot of you folk would rejoice at that, but i JUST DON'T KNOW ANYTHING anymore.
And I hate it. I hate my own stupid brain for 1. letting myself be conned into believing a load of hogwash and dedicating my life to a cult, and 2. letting evil twisted apostates lead me away from Jehovah's one true (albeit flawed) organisation. Such is the flip-floppery in my head.
I pray still. I don't think I've ever studied the bible more. I've studied plenty in the past, but not necessarily the BIBLE, but the WT spin on the bible. And 'cos I've typed that I'm sure there'll be a special hell created just for me. Facepalm.
Threads that have helped me have been recent ones on WT dishonesty, disfellowshipping articles, (jwfacts obv), and 10 scriptures the WT hate. I wish I had the patience/understanding to wade through Leolaia's posts, maybe in time.
This is all I know. Born and raised. Wifey still in. Both still in as far as anyone knows. (Applicable song lyric "I 've got, this epic problem. T his epic problem's not a problem for me. And inside, I know I'm broken. But i'm working as far as you can see. And outside, it's all production, it's all illusion, set scenery. I've got this epic problem, this epic problem's not a problem for me.) Except it's starting to be.
Future? Stay in, but out. Charade, facade. Keep everyone happy? Wait till parents die, try to convert wifey? DA DF CO DO? Drink less JD? Goodness knows.
Sucky.
