Elbear - a warm welcome and a big hug.
You are in the right place. there are many here that KNOW exactly how you are feeilng. YOU ARE NORMAL. IT IS NORMAL. Having someone to be able to talk to about anything and everything, no matter how crazy it sounds, is vital. The people here understand. Your not crazy or going crazy, your intelligence and emotions and thoughts are really conflicted at the moment and causing you pain, despair and anguish. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. You have all the time in the world.
You need to think on this as a big tangled ball of mess, like wool. that you have to untangle, sort out, and tidy up. It gets easier.
It may be possible that deep down you have a spiritual need, and you do believe in God and a lot of the Christian ethos, which is ok too. Many people still believe.
I feel a lot more jw's are going to be going through the same process soon enough. They are under so much mental and emotional angst now, and the brains are starting to conflict with what they are seeing/doing/hearing.
Like 'weeping and gnashing' of teeth.
Take your time. Keep an open mind.
Go see your doctor, don't be afraid of anti-depressants, they will help to break the cycle and take the pressure off you. Although they can take up to 6 wks to be effective. What you are feeling is NORMAL.
well done for having the courage to come here. First step to freedom.
lost .... but getting there