Trying to handle my JW mom

by KatyMomof2 36 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  gingerbread

  This is a toughie KatyMom. Your post title tells a lot about your situation. First you admit that you're trying to handle your mother. You must accept that you will never be successful at controlling another person. I'm guessing that your Mom has never been the best at respecting boundries, or being told no, or accepting responsibility for her own actions. I also am guessing that your Mom uses anything at her disposal (including her religion) to control others. It pushed you right out of the house.

  JW's who have children who have "left the truth", often have a burning desire to "save" their grandchildren. This new calling in life can border on the irrational.

  Be honest with yourself and make a decision that benefits you and your kids. Did you allow your mother to move in with you because of the additional $ she brings into the house? Is she now the sitter for the kids while you are at work - saving you money? If you bring another person into your home, you must accept the good with the bad. Instead of this being your Mom - if she was a friend, cousin or co-worker - would you put up with this sort of behavior?
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  jgnat

  I have a mentally ill mother living off a small pension and I would not have her in my home. She is too disruptive.

  If you are going to have household rules, you must be explicit and you must lay out the consequences if she does not obey. Finally, be prepared to follow through. I think the very first thing she must agree to is a family conference where she apologizes to the children for talking about demons and bashing gays. If she is so determined to live by her whackadoo version of the "truth", she must live somewhere else. I suspect this nutty woman would rather stick to her habits ("truth") and live out of a shopping cart than stay in comfort in your home and watch her mouth.

  Start collecting information about subsidized housing in your area. Leave that out on the coffee table.
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  notjustyet

  I would surely inocualte your children on the side about the Cult status of your children explaining how Cults use fear etc to control their members. Show them some books or websites that mention that the JWs are a cult group and how they use fear, demons etc .

  Then explain how your mother is under thought control from this group. Hopefully if you can explain it to the children then each time that she tries to share some JW scare tactics they can use that occasion to reflect back on the things they you have taught them about the JWs and mond control. There is no way that your Mother will stop sharing the things she beleives about Jehovah to her grandchildren as it is HARD WIRED into her brain. She just will do it when your not there.

  If this does not work, by a Ouija board and play some creepy sounds throughout the house until she gets too scared to stay.

  What ever happens, you need to break this cycle of belief from getting put into your childrens minds at all cost.

  NJY
• 

  cog_survivor

  Hi Katy,

  What you are going through is so difficult. Frankly the thought of living with my mom and two younger kids gives me a feeling absolute horror. It is something that I've seen before with my mom and grandmother. The struggle for dominance itself is enough to be grinding but adding crazy beliefs in the mix is dreadful

  There's been a lot of advice about coping with Mom. But I'd like to put a few thoughts out about the kids. You will probably have to take some time to decide what to do regarding your mom. It isn't going to be easy and contact with your Mom may not stop between her and your kids.

  My advice, start helping the kids build defense mechanisms. Since your daughter is 10, I'd tailor the conversation to her level.

  • Explain that Grandma has different beliefs about Jehovah, God and demons. Most people don't believe the same way
  • Just because Grandma has these beliefs doesn't mean that you, me or anyone else have to believe them as well.
  • These beliefs are important to Grandma but it doesn't mean that they are necessarily true
  • We will respect Grandma's beliefs by not trying to talk her out of them unless she wants to change them
  • If you are afraid because of something that Grandma has told you about Jehovah, God, or Demons, remember that it isn't likely to be true, these are just things she believes.
  • If you are worried about this, talk to me about it.

  Explain the difference between belief and actions.

  • For example, if Grandma tells you to watch before you cross the road, that's saftey matter and isn't a belief.
  • If Grandma, asks you to help by (taking your plate to the sink, or holding the door) those are things people do to help.
  • Do your best to listen to Grandma about safety or helping matters.
  • If Grandma says something needs to be done because of Jehovah, God or Demons. Stop and think. Is is it a safety or helping matter? If yes, then you should probably do it because it is a safety or helping thing. Not because of Jehovah, God or Demons. If you aren'r sure, you and i can talk about it together

  I think helping your kids to build some critical thinking skills around the difference between belief and desired behaviors will not only help them cope better with Grandma but with other people who try to push them into things later.
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  tiki

  tough situation. is mom capable of living independently or does she need personal assistance? if okay independently, i would definitely check out available social services locally. if needs assistance, look into assisted living. it is one thing to have a supportive grandparent in the house, but if you have one that drains you emotionally and is not respectful of your parenting decisions and skills, not a good situation for anyone, and will only result in disruption and hard feelings down the road.

  hope you are able to sort things out so everyone is in a happier place........:) good luck!
• 

  LisaRose

  I was a dub from age 13 to 45, but still managed to get and keep a job. I am 58 and have health issues, but when I lost my job, I started my own business so I am at least earning something. Tell your mother you expect her to do something to support herself, even if it doesn't bring in much. And scaring your children is unacceptable. If she refuses to stop, contact the elders. You ae the head of the house per their rules, and have the right toraise your kids as you see fit. No JW dad would accept his catholic mom to teach his kids to pray to the virgen Mary, why should she feel it's any different when the roles are reversed?
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  KatyMomof2

  Thank you for all of your great advice so far! This has been very helpful! My mom IS capable of taking care of herself and I need to recognize that. She is only 56 and has a minimum wage job. I guess she will just have to learn to live a life a little less extravagant now that her six figure income ( non JW ) husband has passed. I have asked her to start pulling her life together. It's been 3 years since dad has died and she should be able to figure out how to write a check and pay a bill by now. I told her I would assist her in anyway I could to help her become a more independent, self sustaining adult. While I don't expect her to move out right away, I do expect this to be her goal. Second, I will sit down with the kids and make them aware of what is going on ( on their age level ). While I don't think my mom can stop preaching, I will have to work on making the kids strong against her. Chances are they will encounter cult religions at some point in their lives and I want them to be able to think for themselves. At this time my mom does not pay rent, she does not help out around the house, she does not help with meals or dishes, and she does NOT babysit for me at anytime. She takes up the guest room and half of my garage. Third, I ordered some great coffee table books by Raymond Franz and Steve Hassan ( per a great suggestion ). This reading material should make things a little more uncomfortable for her while she is here. P.S. I told her to get upstairs and clean her room yesterday because it smelled bad. ( she did not like that one, but it felt good ) I will continue to read all your posts and ideas. Thank you to all my new friends :)