Does being a "born in" blur parental vs JW issues?

by obfuscatetheobvious 35 Replies latest jw experiences

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  GoneAwol

  If you are in the borg, you are considered 'successful' if you manage to raise kids that stay in. If you dont and they leave at some point, you have failed in your spiritual duty. For this reason I think parents are pressured to put a JW spin on all dealings with their children, in or not. They have to be seen as a success to others. I personally think it will be very difficult to try and get your father to be 'himself' as opposed to the JW he has been trained as.

  I'm having this exact same struggle with my mum. Everything has to be done the JW way. And now my step sister has announced this week that she doesnt want to go to meetings anymore, my mum is even more loyal to the borg. She clashes even more with our family, basicaly trying to elevate herself or distance herself from perceived failings with her children in order to preserve her standing in the cong. If that makes sense...

  Welcome Obfuscatetheobvious! Think i`ll just call you Obvious!

  GA
• 

  mrsjones5

  My mother makes things up to make herself look better to her jw friends.

  I so love being gossiped about by my own mother.
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  Band on the Run

  Yes! I try very hard to separate them but I know I fail. Which came first JW or the abuse? It is hard to call. Perhaps it is enough to say that the abuse and JWs are linked b/c a religion that spurns families and normal human ties is bad.
• 

  Pickler

  Revisiting this post. I think another problem for JW parents, is that most have had a limited education. The society doesn't encourage looking out of their publications for information. The society also stresses obedience as being the ultimate sign of good parenting.

  This leads to problems because some things are developmentally normal and OK, but, the JW parent will fight this, which sets them up for constant conflict.

  For example it's normal to rebel, spend time with friends, not want to go to meetings etc etc Its also normal to question beliefs as a teen. Ever tried to question your JW parent??? What about sexuality? How could you be a teen and not question this? How could you enforce a no masturbation rule on a teenager? How could that not lead to problems???

  The JW org should really just back off over so much of this stuff. They set an impossible benchmark.
• 

  problemaddict

  Welcome.

  Yes lets not forget, that mny MANY problems CAN'T be blamed on the WT. Family dynamics are complicated, and the religion will always be a part of it of course. The dedication to ones family can be strained by the faith depending on your situation. But more than that, your dads actions and issues are most likely related to his dad and his issues.
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  Giordano

  In most respects any high control religion creates problems that would not become problems in more moderate religious traditions.

  In the JW's case a simple request by a teenager to stop going to meetings at 17 or 18 can become a big problem. So too participation in team sports or clubs. Pressure to get Baptized. To skip college and pioneer. Imagine any other family getting into a big argument with a HS graduate who wants to go on to college?

  A catholic can say I don't really believe in what the Church teaches and in most Catholic families I know that doesn't stop families from getting together and being there for one another.. If a JW expresses that non belief it's apostacy and being DF.

  So this religion creates more tension. A born-in is expected to become a witness they are never given a choice free from reprisal .
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  Giordano

  Obsfus you brought up a great first subject and post and me and a lot of responders forgot to WELCOME!!!! you to the forum.
• 

  trujw

  I have yet to meet one person that hasn't spoken to their parents, siblings and every childhood friend but x-jws. I am extremely jealous of my never been a jw wife. Yeah they can fight but family always rally together. To see her call friends even from grade school and the love shown lets me know jws are the most f$&@ religion I have come across.
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  mrsjones5

  My husband doesn't speak to his mother. She abused him terribly when he was a child (he was beaten with fan belts, billy clubs, or anything else she could get her hands. She tried to kill him twice before he left home at 15). He tried to forgive her but she's a mean old bitch. Neither my hubby or his mother were ever jws.

  bad parents aren't limited to the bOrg
• 

  obfuscatetheobvious

  Wow guys, thanks for the comments! (Side note - I could see your comments on my Iphone but couldn't reply - is there a setting I need to change?)

  Pickler - Yes, the male ego can make us do crazy things and it is probably better just to get out of the way! I think that I want to lash out using religion as a pretext because its easy but the more I analyse it, the issue seems to be a parenting one tangled up with a religious one.

  Ucant - You are right, we can't live life over again and this is part of why I want to nail this down. I don't want this dominating my life because I didn't take the time to address it. The duty vs love thing is definitely part of my deliberations.

  Phizzy - Coftys' letter was the post I was referring to! His comment about not knowing if the letter only had its effect because of his illness was what got me thinking along the lines of this thread. It a little around the other way for me. My mum is sick. I want to keep in touch with her but I really, really struggle with my father. To the point where I don't want to contact Mum because she will tell my father our conversation and then he gets to know about my life. Yep, pretty dumb. Also the reason I don't want it to ignore it anymore - funny how illness sharpens the focus.

  Gingerbread - I understand what you are saying and have definitely seen that dynamic in other father/son relationships. I'm sure there was that aspect of my own relationship with my dad particularly during my late teens - also maybe another factor in why I married young. My parents and my family (me, wife and small girls) have had a generally good relationship for the most part and for 7 years he actually worked for me (I did my apprenticeship under him - that is a whole different story again!). When I started waking up (about 2.5 years ago) things stayed cordial but about 8 months ago, after a period of time that I could sense something wasn't quite right at work, he told me he was going off to do his own thing. Was it just a coincidence of timing - that was about the time that mum started having tests and also the full import of the organisation began to really hit me and I was pretty angry and increasing not afraid voice that anger.

  MrsJ - yep, and my dad lost his dad at 10y old and his mum basically made him the man of the house, something he has yet to really sort out with her. I have no doubt that he thought he was doing what was right and may even have regrets - but this just increases my rage at the org because they made a hard job even harder and even worse don't take any responsibility for it. As a parent myself it makes me sad for him but as a child it is frustrating.

  Adiva - definitely see some of this dynamic. Would love for my parents to be genuinely interested in why I chose a different path. When my girls find something new, I love hearing about it! I want to have that some excitement when they grow up - they have found something new/interesting/something I didn't know or hadn't thought about - great! Even better, because we are adults we can debate, discuss, etc. This is another connection that will help me to grow even if I'm bedbound.

  Zed - my single biggest frustration with the org. There is no mechanism to stand up and call someone out for stepping over the mark. As I have found from this site and others, it is only from the outside that change is effected. Part of my frustration with my dad - he is an elder and so part of it. I blame him because how could he stay and not do something?

  Awol - I see your mum as being the honest, faithful people that I am so angry for. The ones that make me want to take my dad by the shoulders and shake him to see how much he has hurt them. I know its an over reaction. But he has stood on the platform, at meetings, CA, DA and been part of the machine that has influenced you mum and others to act in the way you describe.

  Band - as you can see from my above rant - I agree, it is hard to seperate! I don't want it to come out in one emotional, angry, bitter diatribe that will be easily dismissed. I'm hoping that if I can seperate some of the issues and start on the non religious ones, the father that I'm sure loves his son will be connected.

  Thanks all for your comments so far, it has been really therapeutic and I look forward to more!