Does being a "born in" blur parental vs JW issues?

by obfuscatetheobvious 35 Replies latest jw experiences

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  EmergedAsMe

  I think it blurs things a lot. It's hard to tell what problems steam from jw and what are just problems. Or other unrelated family problems are made worse by the jw lifestyle.

  I think even if you are a 'laid back' jw, parents cannot truly pick their battles with their children. For example 3 meetings + witnessing, battle to get your child/s dressed and ready, so a premade fight 4x a week that you would not have if you were not jw. Not to mention then try to keep them quiet oand behaving as a proper jw child. Exhausting just thinking about it, and I didn't raise jw kids!
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  jhine

  Obfuse , we are not and have never been JW's and my husband has no religious belief at all ,but when our son got to his teens ( I don't know how old you are ) it was like the young stag in the herd trying to challenge the old leader , and the leader not having any of it . There were times when my husband and son actually squared up to each other in our lounge , like someone already said sometimes I could calm it down , sometimes I just got out of the way ! However I know that they loved each other dearly and much of it was male pride , the young buck not wanting to accept the rules and the old stag not wanting to be seen as giving in and so looking weak .

  That clash of personality and pride and independance , or trying to assert independance , is common to most species .

  We have a daughter also and for many of her teenage years she and I clashed , two women in one house , same kind of issues !

  Don't agree with JW doctrine , but sometimes it is just human nature to blame for our relationship problems
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  obfuscate

  A fair bit has transpired since I posted this question 3 years ago! Reading over the comments again, I have to thank all who participated. You all contributed to my understanding the problems in the relationship with my parents. While it may not have been a fairytale resolution, it has been a resolution. The cycle of emotional turmoil that dogged my own little family because of this issue has been broken and we are able to start healing.

  Cheers again,

  Ob
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  JWdaughter

  I think the OP has a point. I also wonder the reverse-in fact that is what I thought the topic would be about-how many things to we chalk up to being normal family issues that are rooted in our experience as a JW family? Like the OP shows, sometimes it is hard to separate the two, but its a blurry line at best, plus as born ins, we don't even have a frame of reference for normal since the religion was so thoroughly woven into our existence-our speech, clothing, holidays, habits, entertainment-everything.

  Can we ever just BE normal? My kids are impacted by my religious choices and resent them and they never had the JW experience-but how much of that is reflected from MY experience as a JW? How many generations are inadvertently damaged by this cult?
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  EyesOpenHeartBroken

  Its funny but I was just thinking about this very thing....only in reverse.

  My parents were baptized the year before I was born, and no other relatives JWs. We always kept a good relationship with nonJW family, my childhood was great, and I was close with my parents. My dad was inactive for a couple years when I was young, but later returned to JW activity. We always did a lot of fun things as a family and my parents organized lots of social events. They really did give us presents throughout the year and even made up our own family traditions and celebrations. They always encouraged us with school and even higher education. My parents were very much partners in marriage and child rearing, so I never really saw the nasty side of headship. Though my father became an elder, he was one of the "mercy" guys. I feel like my parents put their own spin and moderation on some of the crazier and more polarizing aspects of the"truth". We were also very insulated from any negative things with other witnesses.

  So I came to the conclusion that the only reason for my "warm fuzzy feelings" about the JWs, was actually just family love and good parenting. There is no doubt in my mind that my parents would have been the same good and loving parents regardless of being JWs.

  Living life as an adult JW has been eye opening and truly saddening....so to the OP I would say in my experience, yes, parenting blurred the lines...but in a different way.
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  obfuscate

  EOHB -

  Your parents seem like they had an self awareness that allowed them to navigate through the JW system and to use it to their general advantage and purposes, while avoiding the cracks that others fall into. This speaks to their being generally well adjusted, thoughtful and considered people.

  While my parents did many things well and no doubt loved their children (and I have many happy memories), my parents are followers and not particularly thoughtful and considered. They are not the sort of people who will consider the unintended consequences of a religious policy/doctrine, they are not the sort of people to seek out criticisms so as to be able to come to a nuanced and reasoned position that reflects getting the best for them or their family.

  My father is very susceptible to emotional rhetoric, assemblies and conventions are very emotional times. He hates people that use the JW system to their advantage and he hates it more that they are smart enough to use the rules to justify their position. Swept up in emotion and suspicious/disliking of anyone seeking personal advantage, my dad had boxed himself into a position of unquestioned obedience to the strict or common interpretation of the rules.

  With the above in mind, if we were Catholics, we would have been strict Catholics, Hippies - strict Hippies (if that makes sense!) My parents (Dad particularly) would have interpreted the rules in the same literal, uncritical, unreasoned, emotional way.