Elders or JWs in general are no different than the rest of the population. The WTS would like for you to think that they are, but that is false. If we were talking about a hospital rather than a congregation of JWs, you would find good doctors and nurses and you would find bad ones in every hospital you examined. The biggest difference between a JW elder and a healthcare provider is that most healthcare providers have access to the same technology, which continues to get better with time and research. How the doctors choose to use it is still up to them, but the technology always progresses. JW doctrine was bad to begin with and has gone steadily downhill.
There is a saying that it is a poor workman who blames his tools. However I don't believe that is so when a caring person finds himself in the position of being an elder. As some of you have pointed out, he is ill equipped to provide the kind of help that people really need. Elders are not trained as family counselors or psychologists. We are not even trained to the degree that the clergy are trained in other Christian religions. So if you're not getting what you need from an elder, there are good reasons for that.
The appointment process is also horribly flawed. A group of local elders, themselves chosen in the same manner, make a recommendation to the Society for an appointment. I have seen elders recommended by local bodies due to merit (or at least what JWs would consider merit), and I have also seen people recommended because of nepotism and a host of other questionable motivations. The basis for the recommendation is always stated as the candidate's measurement in comparison to 1 Timothy Chapter 3 and Titus Chapter 1, but few of us really can live up to those standards and the official line is that a candidate has to measure up within a reasonable degree. JWs pretend that elders are appointed by holy spirit, but even their own literature now states that they no longer believe that elders are appointed directly by holy spirit. The latest explanation is that it was holy spirit that directed the writing of the bible. The bible contains the requirements for eldership. If a man meets those requirements, he is indirectly appointed by holy spirit. So, many unqualified men serve as elders in the congregations.
Many of you have said that you have had personal experiences with good men who serve or have served as elders. I'm glad to hear that. At least the flock is not being skinned by every elder out there. Other posters, like Pickler, have been hurt too many times by too many uncaring elders to have any good feelings toward the "office" that these men hold. I understand that too. I have seen elders in my own congregation say and do incredibly hurtful and stupid things that caused permanent damage to others. Fortunately my BoE has a coordinator who is a genuinely good man and he has taken the lead in chastising and correcting that kind of ignorant behavior when he hears about it, but in many cases you can't un-ring a bell either.
I guess I can't really say that I disagree with any of you because you all have points that are valid because of your own experiences. If I understand Blondie's comment correctly, she says that I am complicit in the wrongdoing of the WTS and elders in general because I keep silent. That is something that I think about quite a bit and struggle with. Ideally, anyone enlightened would leave the Org. I have explained my motivations for staying-my wife and children. I can't believe that I'm the only one in this situation. I love my family and I will go down with the ship before I allow myself to appear to them as a traitor. It didn't seem so at the time, but we were all better off when I was just one of those "unbelieving husbands". At least I wasn't living a lie and my family was wishing for a spiritual head but was not suffering terribly from the lack of one.
So I am here for the duration, unless my family manages to see the light. In my OP I said that I am trying to make the best of it. I do outside reading (including this forum). In shepherding, I use what I have learned from non-JW books and articles. I do not rely solely on the scriptures, most of which I do not believe. The Psalms, Proverbs, a few of the sayings attributed to Jesus in the NT, contain words of comfort and I stick to that. I don't use the majority of the bible when I attempt to help people. Most of it is hurtful and completely counterproductive. Yet I am still ill equipped and in some cases may be doing more harm than good without even knowing it. But I have to try. I am not that old so I have decades ahead of me, and I have to try to do something that will justify, at least to myself, my existence. Since my path is not my own, I have to do the best I can with what I've been given.
The more I write the more I realize I think I started this topic for the purpose of asking that I not be painted with the same brush as other elders, especially the ones you find so reprehensible. Now I wish I hadn't made this topic so self-centered. I can't imagine that I'm the only one who finds himself in this position, or that I'm the only one who tries to go beyond WTS sanctioned rules to help others. I think there are other brothers in my own congregation who have similar circumstances, and I'm sure there are many more elsewhere.
Every time I read JWN I learn something. I have learned much from all of you on this topic. Thank you for your help.
