Son is giving first talk, conflicted

by marriedtoajw 59 Replies latest jw friends

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  BackseatDevil

  That is quite a conflict. AND you have been given a lot of good advice. I will add my two cents, and you can take it for what it's worth.

  You know the father who REALLY wants his son to pick up the football and play sports but unfortunately the son would rather be in show chior? That's a bit what this seems like LOL. Children grow up to make their own decisions, right or wrong. Your choice as a parent is to take a stand and say "this religion is so messed up I cannot support this" OR you can go and say "I will stand beside my son no matter what decision he makes."

  Please understand that either one is a decent and good decision and each will yeild it's own outcome. It totally depends on what kind of father you want to present. The religion... is evil. I know this, you know this. Your son... will eventually figure it out on his own, but as of now he's putting forth an effort to something that is important TO HIM.

  in my OPINION The greater truth of the matter... the larger picture of the religion does not trump the support a son feels seeing his father in the audience. Because the "truth" is anything but truth, it doesn't actually matter as much as the relationship between you and your son. He knows you're effort in going, he knows what that means. I personally, would go as late as I could and leave as soon as I could and leave the congrats and how well he did back at home, but that's just me.

  Either choice you make will send a strong and good message. But yes... this is a tough one.
• 

  jgnat

  I've got a few thoughts for you.

  I would go to the Kingdom Hall for that first talk, even if it is just a bible reading, to forestall the stupid "us vs them" gossip. Go there for your son. Make it clear it is for your son and nothing else. Applaud when he is done.

  Is your 22 year old son in college or otherwise gainfully employed? He has to be. Select a rent amount he has to pay every month (slightly below market rates) and if he is not willing to pay, give him a move-out day. This is love.

  Put your wife on an allowance. No joint bank accounts, no joint credit cards. This is self-preservation, and to save your home.

  Orient yourself to the concepts in Steve Hassan's books. Knowing there is a natural person trapped in your wife will help you speak to her natural personality rather than the cultist. It is true that it is a waste of time to address the cultist, but there are many conversations, usually by using the socratic method (asking open ended questions), to awaken her own thinking power.

  You will be less tired and more able to help your family if the wage-earners start pulling their weight. The youngest could get a paper route, too.

  In truth, as the sole wage earner, you have all the power. It is time for you to start wielding it.
• 

  Adventurousone

  Hello Marriedtoajw:

  I like the many good points that were brought out but I especially liked Jgnat points. I don't know about this or not but when your wife goes out in service could the friends pick her up so she doesn't use the car and saves on gas for you. Could somebody pick up your family and take them to the meetings. Every little bit helps. Hey if Jehovah is suppose to be providing then if he wants her to go to the meetings then he'll find a way for her to get there won't he. As for your sons talk doesn't he know that you haven't been to the hall in years if any, so it shouldn't surprise him if you don't go. Well that's up to you if you go or not. But anyways you have a lot to think about. Good Luck, and take care.

  Adventurousone
• 

  nonjwspouse

  lBeing married into a JW family is a LOT OF WORK. Stressful, eggshells, and plenty of carefully chosen words.

  If it were me, I'd go to just be there for your son, then get into asking him about his research for the talk. Tell him you are interested ( whch of course you are) in how he gathered the material and came to conclusions.

  Then 60 hours a week is tought but you HAVE to put more time into the other boys. Change jobs maybe? Reduce hours? They need to learn HOW to think independantly, critically, and trust their minds. They need you so VERY much. More than that 60 hour a week pay. Your wife can be asked to get a P/T job to help "your health"?

  I am thinking of you, hoping all goes well.
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  jgnat

  Sucky about the first talk is that it is a straight read from scripture. The WTS works on obedience and form first; thinking is deferred. No surprise there.
• 

  ABibleStudent

  Hi marriedtoajw, I agree with suggestions from jgnat (except going to hear your son read from WTBTS propaganda), Adventurousone, and Bob_NC.

  Have you asked your wife how she can save $xx.xx/month or earn $xx.xx/month so that you do not lose your house through foreclosure? Foreclosure will not help your credit rating and will most likely increase your Federal taxes through decreased tax deductions as well as paying for debt forgiveness and you still must pay rent.

  Is your wife able to call your lender and find out if they will refinance your house as a HARP refinance? I refinanced both my house and condo as a HARP refinance through my current lenders for almost nothing, and saved paying > $1000/month. Of course, I will pay more interest over the life of the loan if I do not make accelerated payments. I know that your wife may take a few days more than you would to learn what to ask of your lender, but it is a process to help her to critically think for herself.

  Also, do not defend your wife to your kids - don't say anything. Your kids probalby see what your wife does during the day and have a better idea that she could be doing more.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
• 

  Iamallcool

  marriedtoajw, I understand that you are too busy to look for a job for her, but you can post your wife's resume or tell them what jobs she can do, just go to craiglist website and click on resumes on the bottom right of your screen. We already gave you some pretty good advice.
• 

  Captain Obvious

  If you go, you can be sure of the whispers in the hall.

  "Did you see brother so and so's reading? He did so well!"

  "Ohh yes and his family was so supportive!"

  "Did you notice even sister so and so's husband came!"

  "Yes! Wouldn't it be great if he started coming into the truth!"

  "Soo encouraging!"

  Keep in mind that in a JWs mind, being at the meeting is like kryptonite to the unbeliever. You just CAN'T sit there and not SEE its the truth! They will automatically think your looking to become a Dub.

  While supporting your son is a good thing to do, I can see how you would be conflicted. You don't want to give your son the false hope that you will become a Dub too.
• 

  garyneal

  He just thinks I didn't care and I'm sure they must have told him how as the spiritual head, it was my responsibility to teach him and didn't which makes me look like I never took spirituality seriously, thus lead by satan.

  This is just horrible and I cannot imagine what this must feel like. I agree with jgnat response, start wielding that power. If your son is 22 and still living under your roof I would he insist that he finds employment and don't be afraid to ask him to pitch in.

  I apologise for not responding to your last PM. Been busy myself but we all have one thing in common being married to witnesses. Lots of eggshells to walk on when we are around their people. It gets worse when they are full on as anything you say can be construed by them as Satan working against them. I hated being branded like that until because I always tried very hard to be a good person and a good Christian. But then one day I decided I no longer gave a shit about religious people in general and witnesses in particular.
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  marriedtoajw

  K guys, it's Tuesday night and I didn't go to the talk. I had to work and couldn't get off without problems. I've been counciled at work for tardiness. I and unscheduled absences last month. I commute 50 miles and with traffic I've been late too often last month also. It's 9:30 and I got home at about 9:15 and the house is empty. All my inlaws that came in from out of state for the talk, my wife and all my kids are at the hall. My two boys ages 15 and 12 almost never go to the hall but with everyone here and my older son's first talk I'm sure they were pressured to go while I was at work. Here at am at my desk at home with utter silence. It's time's like this I look around and say, "this can't be happening". I know it's a bad feeling in the moment but sometimes, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. If there is a God or not, this doesn't look good for me either way. This can't be right. This isn't the way my life was suppose to be. I've worked way way too hard for things to be thif f*&^$% up. I know it's a cult. I know how they're being decieved, but my wife seems to love this stuff now, especially when she has the support of her parents, sister and bro in law here. And you know, just this last Wednesday whe went to her cousin's mothers birthday party dinner!!! I feel like I'm about to blow holding in my frustration!!!!!!!!!! I can just picture everyojne at the hall going goo goo gah gah over my son and how much progress my wife has made in helping my son become a JW. I'm just seeing here in complete lonliness......