I miss her terribly and not at all. All at the same time. Every waking moment of every day.
breakup guilt
by fresh prince of ohio 92 Replies latest social relationships
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nonjwspouse
FPOO,
Look your feelings are very valid. Your feelings that you do not feel attracted to her and she is not theone for you. You have a "need" to rescue which is probably why you were with her to begin with. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID, you are not wrong.
I know if it were me, I would NOY want a man to stay with me to ony to "rescue" me because eentually that would be horrifically lonely and sad, for BOTH.
Her financial worries are hers to deal with. She CAN deal with them if given a chance. S8 properties are not all bad. She can find a job in another city or even state. She has a chance at a very happy life, if you let go.
Her ability to pull herself up will cause more growth to her person than anything you could ever do.
You also need and deserve happiness with someone you DO feel attracted to.
The longer you drag this on the more hurftul it will be. You are feeling massive guilt. Talk therapy to get over that is VERY important. Don't mess up because of guilt!
You both deserve better. You both can be ok. You are not responsible for her actions. YOU ARE NOT responsible for her actions.
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fresh prince of ohio
She's had to pull herself up a few too many times in life. I honestly feel like this one is past her threshold.
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Apognophos
A therapist can do a lot more for you than we can. You've said that you are doing well financially, so what are you waiting for? Once you talk to one, they will probably help you see that this unhealthy attachment is more about your personal issues than it is about "her" issues.
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losingit
I'm gonna jump the gun and say-- get back with her, and go to counseling too since you feel so strongly.
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3rdgen
Dear FPOO, I'm sorry you are so full of angst. There was a time when I was totally dependant on my 1st husband of 30 yrs. I was completely unprepared to be on my own. I thought of going back to him because he said he did not want to divorce. We were co-dependent for sure. I told Him that I would not make a decision unless we went to counciling. We went. I was helped to understand that in our case, there was nothing to salvage. Guess what! I survived! Got stronger, remarried, survived horrific events AND left the only belief system I , my parents, and grandparents had ever known. (JW's) It feels GREAT to find out I was so much stronger than I ever thought possible! Please try couples counciling, sort things out, and if you decide to move on, know that she may thank you later! I am so greatful I was dumped 'cause i found someone better!
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caliber
Attachment is our way of relating & wishing to share ourself in a relationship
interdependence...healthy relationships, high self-esteem, high regard of others,....
co-dependence...very dependent on others, low self-esteemor inward desire to be totally unattached... which would appear to be a noble choice as long as you also chose not to use or hurt others
independence, disregard of others and of affection, high regard of self... in which case mere outward appearance of attachment
could lead to sociopathic behavoir
"A sociopath is often well liked because of their charm and high charisma, but they do not usually care about other people. They think mainly of themselves and often blame others for the things that they do. They have a complete disregard for rules and lie constantly. They seldom feel guilt or learn from punishments."
It is unfortunate that unequal relationships result in hurt to one or both partners. ( even with an honest , caring beginnings of things )..
not having the right knowledge and tools to begin with !!!... in which case honest intent alone , in time will not prove to be enough
it became clearly evident from a 20 year study that found these three primary requirements for a sucessful long term relationship must exist
1) knowing the person well first
2) good life skills present in both parties
3) good communication skills ( without points 1&2 communication will prove of little value...for the most part)
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fresh prince of ohio
Losingit I'm lying here awake at 5am worrying about her, as always.
So I performed a little thought experiment: how would I feel if she was here beside me now? Relieved on one hand (she's okay!) but frustrated and resentful on the other (I'm trapped again!)
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lisavegas420
If her condo is upside down and you/she have exhausted all options to save it. Have her stop making payments and start saving that money towards a place to move too. Also, if you have extra money just laying around and you think that it will help her and ease your guilt, send it to her.
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fresh prince of ohio
Lisa, I think she's actually doing that - letting it go into foreclosure and saving the money. But, here's the thing, and this is where the "she needs to take responsibility for herself" business breaks down. She simply isn't savvy enough to realize that she needs to stash away the savings somewhere OTHER than with the bank that holds the mortgage - either with another bank or in cold cash. Right now her savings account is with the same bank that holds the mortgage, which means the bank could possibly seize it in the event of a foreclosure.
So i wanna tell her, look you need to open an account with another institution! But I can't - it's too crazy for me to try to get involved with her life, it just becomes so entangled and codependent and rescuing. But, from this situation, you can see that she needs help and guidance!