Nicolas, and to all of you,
I cannot tell you how my heart goes out to you all. I have truly been there and may have even been worse off than you. Please listen.
Nicolas and any of you.... you need a friend to help you. I wish I had someone when I went thru this. There is HOPE!!!! For real.
I went to a counselor too when I was disfellowshiped. I was ready to throw in the towel and go back. It seemed easier than what I was going thru. I had lost all family and friends. The counselor said there was no cure for brainwashing. Brainwashing is a very serious condition of the mind. He said it was like death. There is no cure for it....you cannot bring someone back.... but that just like when someone dies it fades with time and would get easier.
I suppose he was right. I lived in a limbo for 16 years sweeping under the rug the whole issue of feeling unworthy and how I would ever worship God again when the society told me He would not even hear my prayers.
I think the ex JWs that were involved with the organization because they really loved God in their hearts are the ones that take it the hardest. They hurt the most because something very precious is taken from them. No man or organization has the right to intervene in your salvation and your love from God.
Like I said, I was like that for 16 years. Wanting to be with God somehow, but having no where to go and actually disliking myself very much. For some unknown reason, about 4 years ago I began reading the bible. I felt VERY unworthy at first. I tried to pray and could not, but I kept reading. I know that God was working here. I don't mean to sound preachy, but things were falling in place. I had a friend that appeared out of no where and was invited to go to a Calvary Chapel church. (non denominational). I went and like you all mentioned, liked it much more than I thought. Although the Watchtower brain was still active after all those years and I felt guilty about going. I mean by attending I was truly an apostate if I already wasn't one. I was digging my grave deeper. I was really starting to believe in heaven. The bible says there is!! How could this be?
Something moved me on. I did start to pray and ask God. I started out just plain old reading the book of John. I did not read it to memeorize stuff to debate with people like in the old JW days. I read the bible like a good read. Just for enjoyment and to get to know the character Jesus. Oh my God...........it was like nothing I had never done before as a witness. I mean, we use to know all about Jesus. You know... all the facts. After all, we had to aquire bible knowledge to gain everlasting life. It is different to know all about someone and to know them personally. I was beginning to really love God and Jesus like never before. Jesus was becoming my friend. Did you know, He calls us His friends. I found that in reading the book of John that Gods character was one of such love!! Not this fearful God that I was raised to believe in. It was so awesome!!
Well, I kept at it. There is so much I can tell you all, but I was born again on October 27, 1999. Gone was the quilt, the unworthyness and I was filled with a peace I had never known. Ever... not even when I was a witness!!! I was born again in a big way. No one could have ever, ever told me I would be alright in the head again. I mean really alright. My mind was free to read the bible with out the watchtower glasses on.
There is NO RELIGION that will save you. None. The only way you have this gift of life is thru Jesus!! Period.
I hurt so bad for you. I am there if you ever need me or have a question. My e-mail address if [email protected].
Hang in there and get it right spiritually with God to be cured.
agape love gold morning :) :)
Why the hell do I have this pathetic life?
by Nicolas 28 Replies latest jw experiences
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gold_morning
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LDH
((((((((((HUGS TO YOU ALL))))))))))))
Nic, When Picabo Street won her gold medal in downhill skiing, she said that in preparation she had listened to one song over and over....A really positive and upbeat song.
Try listening to something like Destiny's Child "Survivor" or something else similar.
Music helps many people refocus their attentions.
Lisa
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Nemesis
You will be just fine Nick,
It takes time . . . your feelings will change, they will not last forever. Try and break the habit of negative thinking, let it out and then go and do something that you will enjoy. Walk in the park, ice cream sundae, or a trip to the cinema etc. Then try and make some new buddies, join a gym, or club, as the months go by you will get to know the real you! And he’s a fine person! Getting to know you can be scary, but take it all as a leaning curve—all experiences in life can be used positively, you gain wisdom that you would never have got from just reading about it! As time goes you will feel far happier, never judge reality on a moment when you are feeling sad, it will pass, and you will grow.
Take care Nick,
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Mimilly
Hi Nick,
You are in the perfect place with this board. You are among people who have been where you are, or are where you are right now in your life. I too went through a social phobia. I went to several therapists - but I would suggest that if you take that route again, to find a therapist who knows what they are doing as regards religious brainwashing/deprogramming. Others just don't understand. Try to remember that those thoughts you are having are tape recordings in your mind. That's what the borg does best. When you are having those dark moments/days/weeks... reach out to anyone here who has offered help. You definitely are not alone. What you need to do now is re-learn how to live and accept the fact that you deserve to be happy and feel happiness without guilt. I too offer my email if you need to vent, etc. I also have MSN and Icq. I've two emails: [email protected] and [email protected]
Take care of yourself Nick, and again, this is a great place to be. I wish I'd found it sooner.
Hugs, Mimilly -
Pardus
That was a good comparison between the Organization and Shawshank. You really can get to be "institutionalized" even though you are not physically imprisoned. Your mind has been conditioned to associate the K. Hall and field service with salvation and pretty much everything else with death.
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dobby
You may want to keep trying to find a psychiatrist. My sister left long before I did. She told me that it took a while but when she found a psychiatrist who was willing to acknowledge and address the aspect of religion, she made rapid progress toward finding peace.
Please don't give up and don't be hard on yourself,congratulate yourself on even small victories and give yourself time.
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Flip
…I'm wondering why the hell do I have to live on this earth if it's just to be a jerk with no social life.
Nic’, if you don’t have a social life, how’s it possible persons that don’t exist would think you a jerk?
On the other hand, you might agonize that you don’t have a social life because you believe others have found you to be a jerk.
The reality is, almost all individuals have their own mountain of worries, and they really don’t dwell on anyone else's for any length of time.
You're here and you fit, so quit wasting time figuring out whether you're a 'square peg' and contribute to your community by finding someone and/or something to love.
Flip
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Prisca
Nicholas,
You are not alone, but after reading all the kind messages to you on this thread I'm sure you realise that now.
I was raised a JW, and it is hard to assimilate into the world we were once taught to hate. We are starting a new life on the backfoot, but the key is to not let it stop us from moving on with our life. The feelings of depression are completely normal. We are grieving, grieving for the life and the friends we have left behind.
There is no turning back. And if we let our lives got to rot then the WTS has won. And you don't want the WTS to claim another victory, do you?
Hang in there Nic, and remember that you are a good person who deserves what life has to offer.
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noidea
{{{Nicolas}}}
It's like one big roller coaster ride and no way to stop the ride.
The subject of your thread is what you have been programmed to think.
That reminds me of how the org. would compare the garbage a person takes in every day "rubbing elbows with the world..<g>
They said you had to combat that garbage with more studying..more meetings..& more service. The point is..you were told (brainwashed) into thinking that if you were to ever leave that you would be miserable and have a pathetic life. You at this point have to reverse that garbage you have taken in.
How long did that programming take? I'm sure it wasn't overnight.
Realize that to reverse your feelings is not going to happen over night either.
You have to try and erase all the closed minded mentality that you were dished out. You may never be able to completely free yourself of that conditioning. If not use that as your warning signal to not fall back into the clutches of mind control again. It's a powerful thing to be completly free of .. use it as reminder or protection and not look at it as a bad thing..It helps us to not make the same mistakes again.
Take the spare time that you have and use it in a way to your advantage..
Reach out to those that are hurting as you are.
Take the time and research the Org. and be firm in your convictions.
If a relationship with God is what you seek then show you want that. It wasn't till I woke up to things that I realized that I didn't even have a relationship with him..just an org.There is so much to do not only for yourself but for others..extend your hand and reach for it.
If all else fails..and you are down..just open the members page...go to Naeblis name and read his threads works like a charm. {{{ }}}
~~~Noi~~~
***********Member of the: I have No Idea class.
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yrs2long
Hi Nicholas,
You will recall that in the Shawshank movie Red made the statement, 'get busy living or get busy dying'.
As long as you are straddling the two very separate worlds you are going to be miserable indeed. Either you give in and go whole hearted into the Wathctower world or you join this one and fully take part in it. I was inactive for many years, only attending the memorial annually, and I was as miserable as miserable can be. It wasn't until I read Crisis of Conscience and did quite a bit of research on the WTBTS that I severed the mental connection, had a good cry over the years of my life that had been wasted being duped by the WTBTS and decided to get the most out of the life that is here and now.
That meant truly interacting with people and seeing them as more than potential converts/Armageddon bird fodder. I registered to vote, started celebrating holidays, and endeavored to become a more social person. I am pursuing my master's degree and several years back embarked on a relationship with a (gasp!) worldly man.
I must say that I feel a great degree of satisfaction from my choice(s) and am happier now than I ever was as a witness!