Hi Thedog1,
I was baptized at age 16 in 1981 and left the faith in 2007 after a life-time of involvement. Although I did serve as an MS and later an elder, conducting the Watchtower study was only something I did twice. Once at the congregation and once as part of a circuit assembly. Living with concerns and doubts can be very difficult. After book study one evening I revealed more about my doubts than I should have to a young couple. After that I realized that I had to resign as an elder, which I did. Although I lost all my privledges, including being on the TMS and even saying public prayer, in general I felt the elders were kind and fairly considerate. Likely this had much to do with how non-confrontational I was about the issue, taking all of the blame for my doubts upon myself. This was in 2005.
For what it is worth here are few thoughts, considering of course, I do not know your circumstances. First, unless something is pressing the issue, there is usually time to think through the issues and do research. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of directly reading material critical of the Witness faith, I suggest either reading the Bible or a portion of it, outside of the TMS schedule. Doing this can really help one see the over all gist of what the various authors really wanted to communicate. Although it seems that "deep study" would imply diving into each verse and tearing it apart, there is much to be gained by reading the accounts at a quicker pace.
Another suggestion is to read an older publication. Reading Russell's Divine Plan of the Ages can really give one a sense of where the faith once was and how it developed into what we see today. Often through eBay or Amazon one can find copies of this book at a reasonable price.
As you know the organization stesses loyalty towards itself. Thus, most attempts to find a real true friend you can confide in, in regards to doubts, is near impossible. Even if the individual wants to be a friend, all we'll wind up doing is likely putting a burden on them. Although the faith presents itself as comitted to Bible truth, at the end of the day, it is run more like a business. Thus it tends to reward good managers, those who know the rules and are effective at organizing others around them and accomplishing things that fit the primary goal of the business. I eventually likened the organization to an out of control beast in the shape of printing presses -- a few fed blank rolls of paper in one end -- and the many had to run printed results out to the public. In many different ways we all sensed not all was right, but none of us knew had to make it stop.
For a short while, another way to cope is to rationalize your situation. Over the long haul I firmly believe this doesn't work and in my own case caused me to reach a breaking point, wherein I was out in service in the morning and left the faith that afternoon. But... while you're doing research and considering more deeply what you believe and where you want your life course to take you, rationalize... the faith is defined mostly by the Governing Body. It is those men who decide the format of meetings, what is published, etc. So while I was part of it, I always felt it wasn't my place to try and change it, but rather go along with the program. For me this relieved much of the stress and gave me a bit of room to breath -- eventually of course, I felt I had to leave.
Next, I think it is entirely reasonable to ask to be relieved of some of the burden of being an elder. This does not have to mean anything more than explaining that you're under some mental stess and need time to focus on yourself, your relationship with Jehovah and your family. I know in one case, an elder presented this case to the body -- he wanted to resign. We actually asked him to remain and not be deleted, but otherwise promised him that he would not have any assignments for awhile.
Just so you know. My doubts were centered around science and the theory of evolution in particular. My initial doubts about the existence of God eventually blossomed into accepting the fact that I was an atheist. Although some fellow atheists find it odd, I continue to be a Bible reader.
Take care,
-Randy
