hi it's katie- i miss you guys

airwlk149

hey guys it's katie.
for those people who do not know me, i am an inactive lesbian 18 year old jw, who was df'd & reinstated. well, i don't consider myself a lesbian- i am just a female dating another female. call me what you will.
ok- so anyways the other night i was sad and lonely. i missed all my jw friends. i wanted the closeness that the congregation provided. most of all i missed my family. i wanted my mom to hug me and be proud of me.
i wanted to be the popular "spiritual" pioneer type who is always hanging out with her friends. all you ex j dubs know what type i am talking about. the one girl who is up on the platform at the assemblies and meetings. who is always prepared for the meetings. the one girl everyone wants to go out in service with. maybe she's the po's daughter, but the point is she is perfect and happy. and she gets married to the ministeral servant with the perfect kingdom hall wedding, everyone there. and she is clean til her wedding night and everything in life goes good for her.
nothing bad happens to her or her life and she has her kids and they are perfect too. see, she is oblivious to everything so she is in her "spiritual bubble" all she worries about is the quick builds and district assemblies.
i wanted to be that girl the other night. i cried because i am so far from that. maybe it's becuase that has been my whole life. i fought so hard against it because the grass seemed so green on the other side. it's been almost a year since i have had to go to a meeting. now i can do what i want and i am still not happy. :(
what is wrong with me? i want to get married so bad and have kids. i miss the assemblies and the people.

so that is that. what to do?

love ya bunches,
Katie

terafera

So if you want to marry and have kids, why are you dating a girl?

Seriously, though. I understand what you're saying. That vision of a perfect life is not an easy one. The thing that perfect girl didnt tell you was that she was an empty shell...she did everything for mommy and daddy. I knew that girl, she was my sister's best friend. Everything was perfect about her.. regular pioneer, beautiful, married a gorgeous MS, had beautiful kids, had a perfect home, everything. Later she told my sis that she had a hard time living up to the image people had of her.

I would rather follow my heart and live a useful life than chasing the pot at the end of the rainbow... only to find out (too late) that the pot isnt even there, nor is the rainbow.

flower

(((((katie)))) hugs anyway although i cant relate. never was that girl. dreamed of being that girl. hated that girl just kidding.

hang in there and know that you did the right thing leaving. that phoney life and love and popularity was all conditional and based on you living your life for an organization.

that girl popped her bubble and stepped out into the real world. its tough now but your still bright and beautiful and you'll get everything you desire.

take care,

flower

Elsewhere

The solution is simple... don't base your life on the lives of others. Don't compare yourself with others. You are you, not them.

You have to remember that the bOrg is a very inclusive "members only" club. Anyone can join, so long as they conform to what THEY say is right and wrong and what is acceptable.

Stop tormenting yourself and find your own path.

BTW: Let me know if you need a sperm donor! My boys are ready to go at any time! (Note: My boys like constancy, so I will have to "donate" on a regular basis.)

"As every one knows, there are mistakes in the Bible" - The Watchtower, April 15, 1928, p. 126
Believe in yourself, not mythology.
<x ><

Matty

Hi Katie - this is Matthew - longtime guilty lurker, but has made up for it in the last week or so, annoying every damn thread I can get my hands on!

I've spent so much time in my life being jealous of all those people in the "big clique", I know how you are feeling. I have always been a dissapointment to my zealous family, at the moment I'm just ticking over and biding my time. I KNOW IT IS NOT THE TRUTH but even now I wish I had a perfect little JW life, so my family could be proud of me. Learning from all the ex-JWs here has made me realize that it's not something I can escape from overnight, it's too ingrained for that. But I know that there are lots of people out there like me that I can help - and hopefully they can help me too, I know it's been good therapy - I do feel a lot better, and not so alone.

I'm sure this will be a good long thread with lots of support for you. You are not alone - we all really care about each other because we are all in the same boat!

Lots of Love
Matty

Elsewhere

I was reviewing your post and something struck me. It is going to take some tough love to get this across, but I think it needs to be done.

You kept talking about wanting to be the popular girl, the one on the stage, the one in the Congregation/Circuit/District spot light, the one everyone want to go out with.

Ok, here is the tough love part: Your problem is that you're an Attention Whore. That’s right, an Attention Whore. You want people to give you attention in exchange for something (ie: Being a Loyal JW™, Pioneering, Being Prepared for the meetings, etc...)

The problem is that you want the attention, but you are not willing or able to "put out", and that is worst kind of whore.

I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just giving you my honest opinion.

"As every one knows, there are mistakes in the Bible" - The Watchtower, April 15, 1928, p. 126
Believe in yourself, not mythology.
<x ><

zanex

live life while u have it now..them jdubs dont spend a dime thinkin bout you dont give them the courtesy of thinkin bout them... ;)

cyrano

Hi Katie,

The girl you are talking about doesn't exist, anywhere. What you see is someone trying their best to conform, they are not happy.

When I was a JW, I really 'looked up' to this brother who I felt was perfect. So, I tried to be like him, a spiritually strong pioneer who was happily married.

Guess what? I found out he was miserable! But, you'd never know that on the outside.

The Jw's are in a cult, cults can be close, but the people in them can never measure up. Nobody in a cult 'measures up', that is how cults control people. They count on you having feelings of guilt, that gives them power over you.

You are just as good as anyone out there.

Look at president Rutherford, he was an alcoholic (aren't they all?), Russel was into the occult, while many who work at bethel are on prozac.

So, take everything you see with a grain of salt.

termite 35

Hi Katie, hey, poor you- you sound so sad you'll have me crying soon.The closeness you miss from the cong and your family is a big thing to loose; my parting words to a jw I loved as family were 'I'll miss you SO much...'(knowing she'd never speak to me again...)And her reply?Nothing; she'd left me before the final words came out of my mouth.If it's any consolation, you know it's not YOU don't you?You know it's just the way they're told to deal with this kind of stuff,don't you?
Perhaps we all have these dreams inside of us that we try to aspire to; and they're probably to do with pleasing those we want to love us;our parents or peers.My father was critical, violent,selfish and cruel... yet I still wished he was as proud of me as he was of others...I don't think we ever make ourselves happy by pleasing others;believe me, i've tried; now I make making myself happy as no1 priority, cos now i'm happy i'm nice to be around!
You sound pretty nice to me.
Perhaps if you want to get married and have kids it'll happen one day... a friend of mine was bi...she got the lot eventually;perhaps you're not happy with your lot because your mother's told you how you SHOULD be instead of who you ARE.Labels suck!I've been parttime at college, waiting to start fulltime in the autumn,lots of new friends to replace the old...it does help; and life is'nt constant anyway, now i've found out i'm really ill and the fantastic prospect of 3 years of sculpture Ihad spread out in front of me is fading fast...though perhaps something I have yet to think of is right around the corner.Could you try to look in front of you and not walk looking over your shoulder? Scary; but I love waiting to see what will happen next, i'm turning into quite a fatalist!!!
Lots of love to you airwlk(how the hell do I pronounce that?!)SMILE!

Unclepenn1

>have had to go to a meeting. now i can do what i want and i am still not happy. :(
what is wrong with me? i want to get married so bad and have kids. i miss the assemblies and the people.

Hi Katie, nothing is wrong with you in a sense. In fact your situation is like most that I come across.

George Bernard Shaw once said ' There are two great tragedies in life. One is not fulfilling your hearts desire.....the other one is'. [Also see the book of Ecclesiasties]

Simply put, you are empty because you were created to glorify God and worship Him and serve Him and love Him. You thought the world is what you wanted, then got a taste and realized that it is an even larger empty meaningless void than religion. God loves you and asks that you come to Him humbly and lay down your burdens at His feet. He doesnt want you to be in a works = righteousness religion. That is just as painful as being in the world. He wants you to have a relationship with Him... one that is based on love and freedom and joy unspeakable. Jesus said 'All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him[or her] that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.

If you ever want to talk, my email is always open :) **hugs**

Penn

hi it's katie- i miss you guys

Share this