Hi Katie,
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down of late. Hope that you are feeling better soon and that perhaps the perspectives that are offered here might help you move towards that. :)
In reference to the archetypal "super pioneer" type, I was at one time regarded as just that. My parents were always "fringe" type JW's, but my mother made sure that I was assimilated fully by arranging a "big sister" to have a weekly bible study with me starting at around age 12. By the time I was 14-15, my parents were starting to fade away because they were having doubts, but not so much to the point where they felt it important to guard their daughter from the same religion with which they were taking dispute. They did it quietly and so I was the only one to really see it at first. Of course, being the typical teen, I complained about my parents, and my study conductor picked up on this and she and those in the congregation she told about my situation played into it by alluding to my parents being controlled by Satan, and I was thumbing my nose at the Devil himself if I were to not allow my parents to influence me. Well, of course, that was appealing to me in that (A) I was essentially rebelling against my parents with God's approval, go me! and (B) I found somewhere to fit in, or so I thought at the time.
I went on to be the auxillary pioneer during summer breaks in high school, regular pioneered after high school (forgoing college of course), was always prepared at the meetings with not only the pat answers, but with additional research I had done (ha, this analytical/research side of me ended up helping me leave in the end), and I lived in the congregation that was infamous in the area for all its teens getting into judicial comittees because they were all being typical teens and gettin' it on. But not me - I was the only one who managed to avoid that trouble - amongst about 20 other kids in my generation. I was Ms. Spiritual Superhero. :p
But let me tell you, it didn't bring me happiness. In fact, what it has done is make me very resentful of having lost out on a normal teenage life. Yes, I'm glad that I didn't get pregnant or an STD, etc. But I'm not even talking about "the extremes." I would have loved to have been able to be more focused on learning in high school, getting good grades, and using that as a launching pad for getting into college, possibly on a scholarship, so that I would not be trying to eke out two classes a semester while working full time now, with my degree a looonnnnng ways away. (I'm 31.) I would have liked to have gone to a few rock concerts. I would have liked to have been able to explore who I was inside without fear of being punished if I had thoughts considered "wrong," such as evaluating my programmed values and beliefs in light of my own experiences, etc., which is something that we should all have the right to do.
And even back then, I wasn't happy because of it. I felt pressure constantly to be an adult with adult pressures, even though I was in a child's body and mind. The higher the precipice upon which you stand, the greater distance there is between you and the ground when you fall. It was a high-pressure balancing act that I would never repeat. I'm happy to just be myself, and to live up to the goals I set for myself. I've found friends outside of the JW's that are closer and more loyal to me than anyone there ever could have been, simply because of the way JW's are told they must rat each other out if they suspect someone of having "improper thoughts" or doing things that bother another's conscience. I have my own conscience to live up to and I don't believe that I should live by someone else's whose reality is different than my own, even if only slightly. I may not have the quantity of so-called friends I had while a JW, but the quality of my friends has improved in the sense of loyalty etc.
I know you must be going through a very difficult time, with lots of pressure to return. But don't go back just because the religion promises to fulfill an emotional need you are having right now. It's a temporary fix - a bandaid on an open wound that the religion itself caused by making you feel inferior to the standards they have set for their members.
Evaluate claims, whether they are religious, or otherwise, with some tools available at these sites:
A Field Guide to Critical Thinking
http://www.csicop.org/si/9012/critical-thinking.html
Advanced Bonewits' Cult Danger Evaluation Frame
This was written by a Neo-Pagan author, but it contains a great evaluation tool that can be applied to any religion:
http://www.neopagan.net/ABCDEF.html
Stephen's Guide to the Logical Fallacies
This is a great resource to evaluate arguments presented to you which demand or suggest certain action on your part. See if these arguments measure up to logic or if they are using tactics to confuse or manipulate your thinking in order to get you to act. This is also helpful in evaluating your own thinking and beliefs to see if they are logical and "truth" ful (I use the quotes because truth can be a relative concept.)
http://www.intrepidsoftware.com/fallacy/welcome.htm
Hope that this helps. Hang in there and remember, that SuperPioneer wasn't any different than the Honor Society Overacheiver, or the Popular Cheerleader in high school. We all seek acceptance and acknowledgement of who we are, and in the JW religion, being SuperPioneer happens to be the way to get those things. But it isn't how the rest of the world operates. Accept yourself, and love yourself, and then nobody can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to. (Thanks to Eleanor Roosevelt, as I just paraphrased her.) :)
Cheers,
~arachnia
Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
-Kahlil Gibran
