I don't love my family

noontide

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and we started talking about my Witness past. I think he finds it very strange (interesting) when I tell him how I grew up.

*Small side note - when I told him how I grew up, the first thing the said was, “Man, you grew up in a cult.” Funny how I never saw that in my 25 years-plus in the religion.

Anyway, we began talking about my parents, and somehow the expression, “But you still love them, right?” came up. Immediately and without any hesitation I said, “No, I don’t love them.” He looked a bit shocked, and honestly I was a bit startled myself when I heard myself saying this. The strange thing is that I had never seriously thought about this before. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them or the rest of my Witness family, but I can’t really say that I love them. I feel a sense of responsibility towards my dad (my mother has since passed away) and I like some aspects of my family, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it love. So why don’t I love my family? I could not stop thinking about this for days afterwards and I felt guilty for feeling this way. However, I think I know why.

My family doesn’t know me. After I left the Witnesses (just walked away and never looked back) we seemed to institute a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy.” Since I wasn’t disfellowshipped, they still talk to me, but it’s a measured and cordial relationship; but not particularly meaningful. They don’t really ask about my life, and I don’t tell them anything. They don’t know any of my friends, they don’t know who or if I’m dating anyone special, they don’t know that I’m enrolled in a University trying to get my Bachelor’s degree, they don’t know my taste in music, they don’t even ask about my career. Why? Because according to them, I left Jehovah. So even though they’ve never say it, I can tell they feel sorry for me, they pity my life and the decisions I’ve made. And this has been going on for over fifteen years. How can I love people that don’t really know me? How can you love someone that judges you? How can you love someone that pities you?

I know them in as much as, I know how they think; everything revolves around their religion. They talk about the meetings, the assemblies, the brothers, etc. But my family as individuals, I don’t really know them. Because they don’t seem to be individuals, they are part of a larger entity. And when they do display the slightest hint of individuality, they are careful how they do it, because they don’t want to stumble others. How can I love people I don’t really know?

I am grateful for what my family did for me when I was younger, they fed me, they clothed me, and they kept me safe. And even today, they are not a bad lot per se. They will still help me out if I ask for it (as long as it doesn’t clash with their beliefs) and I’m glad to help them out as well (even if it means hearing their stories about field service or other Witness stuff). I also try to respect them and their decisions (even if its not reciprocated).

So there it is; I sometimes like them, I respect them, I feel a sense of responsibility, or family obligation, I have tolerance towards them, I feel bad when bad things happen to them.
But I don’t love them.
I also know that if it came down to it, because of their religion, I could walk away from them in a heartbeat and never look back (as could they).
That’s not love.
And that is what I find saddest of all.

confusedandalone

My friend... This poor hurts me badly. This is one of those few times where I read something that literally word for word sums up how I feel. Thank you

snare&racket

I think the JW's deaden natural feelings for people. How else can you shun them or pray for the end of mankind

crmsicl

That is sad. Now that you've said it let it go. You have a real handle on life.

Dis-Member

I can relate to this on so many levels.

Purza

Wow. Just wow. That is a perfect summation. It is incredibly sad, but I can totally relate. Love requires nuturing and that is something that was taken away due to the destructiveness of the organization.

Purza

Nathan Natas

Noontide said, "... the first thing the said was, “Man, you grew up in a cult.” Funny how I never saw that in my 25 years-plus in the religion."

You need to cut yourself a bit of slack. You had no prior experience on which to base any judgement. You are forgiven for being duped.

We come into this world as tabla rasa, and we have no choice but to accept that what we are told about the nature of reality is THE TRUTH™. It is only after our rational skills are built that we can shatter the cheap plastic paradigm we've been handed.

I don't love my parents either. One was a loser and the other was an abused ignorant religious fanatic who saw her kids as a way for her to gain praise. It's not MY job to make their lives better. That was THEIR job, and they failed.

smiddy

This is a very interesting post yet so sad.The religion of jehovahs witnesses kills relationships /love .

For mothers and fathers to disown their own children , simply because they dont share that same beleif , shows they have no love or natural affection,its been drummed out of them by jw beleifs , and while that is not typically your case , its understandable how you feel toward them.

My DIL`s parents and siblings have had nothing to do with her since she left the religion about 15 years ago and I have no doubt she could relate to what you have said. It is sad. She was not DF nor did she DA herself .

smiddy

Black Sheep

My feelings are much the same, but I would cross 'respect' of my list. Respect has to be earned. It is not our parent's as of right. My parents didn't earn respect, but they demanded it.

I'm sure I only exist as the result of a broken condom. Armageddon was only months away, so why would they plan to give birth to me so close to Balmygeddon? They never broke any more condoms. Probably invested in better brands to avoid further *** ups.

Hortensia

Snare&Racket said it well.

I felt very detached from my mother, went to a shrink who helped me see it is understandable. I still felt concerned and friendly toward her, but there didn't seem to be any depth to it. Not surprising, given my childhood. I don't feel guilty about it. I think it's a shame, but not surprising.

I don't love my family

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